Bad fight and I think I crossed the line

[chickieno1]

Had a very stupid argument with dh this evening. At the dinner table ridiculous about chicken! He got on his high horse about wanting to make his point and I said forget about it and he said he had to make his point. I then got up and took my plate with me and said if he really felt he couldn't leave it then I was going to finish my dinner elsewhere. He then said it was very ignorant of me to leave when he had cooked the dinner etc. I went to the kitchen and he was still going on and then said you can fuck off! Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red. I came back into the dining area and said what did you say and he said fuck off again. He was sitting at the table and I pushed him so hard both him and the chair fell over :(. The 9 month old baby was in the high chair next to him and the almost four year old was sitting on the sofa watching something before bath time. Dh got up went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall

We haven't spoken or looked at each other since. I feel really bad and don't know what to say or do :(

Eh?

So men cant be victims? And women cant be abusive? Really?

I agree that there is a big gender difference regarding abuse and DV, particularly in the statistics and because men are in general stronger and more aggressive than women.
But it doesn't mean that violence from women to men doesn't happen and that women can't be abusers.

to the op i hope you managed to sort things out with your dh i really do x

And another eh? from me too. Clarify please getting. I am not sure AT ALL what it is you are trying to say.

Also, what squizita said and fully agreeing with fifi, as examples.

I don't understand either getting

If you are saying that women can never be abusers them you are way off the mark.

Nickifiri - there are substantial differences. As you have thought. This issue is about gendered violence. Gender only means you are socialised to carry the traits of your gender. It's very complex stuff. Are you asking about the difference between a man using violence compared to a woman as with the OPs post? Or, are you asking about how this makes sense in same sex relationships?

getting can you clarify please- are you saying that men are never victims of violence from women and women are neer abusers?

I can't believe this debate is still going on. Op I truly hope you and your family are ok and things are getting sorted. Sounds as if you lost your temper big time in order to push him. We learn from our mistakes and everybody makes them. I'm not going to get into the thick of it shall we say, however everyone is different and has different opinions/boundaries etc and it will always be that way.

I can't believe this debate is still going on
You haven't been on the board for long, have you?

I don't agree she should leave. You are completely minimising his role in this. You say her baby shouldn't be uprooted; most babies are only uprooted when they are separated from their mothers.

Just having a very difficult day ?? didn't have the energy to debate and type earlier. Lots of different opinions though

For Goodness sake she pushed him off a chair- he will survive! This is a none issue everyone ha stupid arguments at some point or another- everyone on here is so over dramatic!

And the whole nonsense of talking about how many men a week are killed by DV grow up Op is not about to murder her husband for crying out loud.

Op i'd suggest taking a walk to clear your head, and then go home an sincerely apologize to DH.

STOP, I would never say men aren't victims of violence from women. I work with male victims. And on the flip side, work with men who's partners are incredibly abusive. But, we need to distinguish between individual cases of abuse, compared to something which is an enormous social problem. Our service system completely accommodates male victims of abuse and assault. The problem is that our community doesn't want to recognise what an endemic issue this is, for women and children, so throws up red herrings to continuously keep us off course.

It might make more sense if we talk about family violence in a same sex couple when we talk about gendered violence. It's not actually about being male or female. It's about carrying the stereotypical traits of the gender. When someone presents to me living in family violence, they could be male or female. Regardless of what sex you are, the victim feels powerless and the perp asserts control.

As a side note can I say how difficult it is to educate all health professionals in the complexities and nuances of this issue. Let alone the community. That's because it is so endemic. I would only ask ask if someone shares their story with you, hear it.

My mother onced shoved my step father off of his chair he was shocked. But the next time and time and time after that she would beat him up until blood was drawn, splattered, his eyes were blacked, face deeply scratched and his nose was broken.I as a very young child would stand there witnessing her unleash on him and would wet myself onto the floor through my knickers. How I wish she would of fucked off and leave us alone while she calmed down before it ever got to the above.
Op he may well of goaded you by speaking to you telling you to fuck off but please address any issues you may have in your relationship by way of communication with each other. So that you ensure that your children never witness their mum put her hand on their father and feel scared in their own home. It still scars me to this day seeing what I saw and I'm now a grown women. Your children deserve not to see any aggression but two adults that can be calm and grown up.
Domestic violence is unacceptable from any gender.

Following on from your recent posts getting can you explain what you meant by Unfortunately, we still live in a world where women declare men as victims, and women as abusive? It seems to be saying women shouldnt be saying that a man has been a victim or a woman an abuser, but that jars with your post that says you work with male victims and female abusers.

Your message seems confusing.

IscreamUscream - everything you just said. Hope you r ok.

I have tears in my eyes after reading your post, Is cream. I'm so sorry you went through that.

Its going back a bit but... what Fifi said.

I don't want to derail, hijack the thread but it's important that no child sees any violence from any parent. I hope op is ok and her and her and hubby have spoken and hopefully found a resolution to the incident.
This does not need to go any further to a next time where she might really loose her rag and end up doing something she may regret.
Needless to say I still hate that women for how she treated my step father, he would never stand up to her and would try and walk away but she would always go after him.
Thank you posters for your kind words, I'm ok going through counciling now.

Gettingmeback

I'm really pleased that I didn't have people like you around me when I was being abused by my "tiny" "not as strong as men" wife.

I spent years being told that the slaps where a "love tap", that "I bruised easily", my all time favourites were "your wife must trash about in bed to have given you those black eyes" and "what have you done now".
That was just the physical abuse, the mental stuff still affects me today (13 years later).

"Unfortunately, we still live in a world where women declare men as victims, and women as abusive? "
For me its a bloody good job that they did. FYI I still have physical scars from what she did to me.

This incident from the OP may be a "one off" but she has to make sure that it is because its nobodies fault but hers.

don't talk to him until he wants to talk to you, and I will reiterate, YOU SHOULD LEAVE
If I found myself in her DH's position, that would add insult to injury.
She should talk or at the very least write a note, to explain how sorry she is and how completely unacceptable her behaviour was.

Then they need marriage guidance to try and sort out the mess that their relationship is in.

There is a certain type of manpulative personality whose way of operating is to provoke their partner into a reaction while remaining calm
So if a woman behaves in this way, then her husband punches her, whose fault is that?

I do think that there is a difference between the genders when it comes to aggressive behaviour. It is never acceptable and it is always the responsibility of the abuser, but there is a difference.
This incident is the tip of the iceberg in this marriage though. There are other problems going on, that meant an argument about chicken ended up in a verbal and physical assault.