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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Bad fight and I think I crossed the line

314 replies

chickieno1 · 27/06/2014 00:58

Had a very stupid argument with dh this evening. At the dinner table ridiculous about chicken! He got on his high horse about wanting to make his point and I said forget about it and he said he had to make his point. I then got up and took my plate with me and said if he really felt he couldn't leave it then I was going to finish my dinner elsewhere. He then said it was very ignorant of me to leave when he had cooked the dinner etc. I went to the kitchen and he was still going on and then said you can fuck off! Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red. I came back into the dining area and said what did you say and he said fuck off again. He was sitting at the table and I pushed him so hard both him and the chair fell over :(. The 9 month old baby was in the high chair next to him and the almost four year old was sitting on the sofa watching something before bath time. Dh got up went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall

We haven't spoken or looked at each other since. I feel really bad and don't know what to say or do :(

OP posts:
germinal · 27/06/2014 10:58

Lweji give me a break. Now OP could have killed her dh by shoving him off the chair?

For petes sake. This thread is ridiculous.

MrBusterIPresume · 27/06/2014 11:03

Well mrssmith if you're going to get down to that level of analysis;

I think I crossed the line.

That depends on whether the OP is using "think" in the sense of "consider/believe" ("I think apples are nicer than oranges"), or "think" in the sense of conveying uncertainty. You've read it as the latter, but it could be the former - I don't know.

Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red.

I read that as the OP explaining what had triggered her loss of temper. She didn't "see red" at the petty chicken argument, she didn't "see red" when her DH insisted on continuing the argument despite her asking him to "forget it". She "saw red" when he swore. (Doesn't mean her response was justified.)

DH went upstairs and either slammed a door really hard or hit a wall.

Again, a factual description. They were both angry. Doesn't mean she is minimising her actions. Call me naive, but I don't think you write a post like the OP's to minimise your actions. If you want to minimise your actions, you don't post at all.

At no point have I said that the OP's actions were reasonable. But I don't think the level of judginess from some posters on minimal information is reasonable either.

Lweji · 27/06/2014 11:07

Yes, she could have killed him. A hit to the head can be serious. Minimizing much?

germinal · 27/06/2014 11:11

She didnt hit him on the head, she shoved him as he sat on the kitchen chair.

Lweji · 27/06/2014 11:16

But he fell backwards. Always a risk of hitting a head, for men and women.

Hickorydickory12 · 27/06/2014 11:17

Some of you are just weird and I cannot imagine what sort of lives you lead, when a woman who lost her temper pushed her dh. And some of you think this should end her marriage, involve social services and receive a criminal record.
Really?

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 27/06/2014 11:17

I just want to point out that OP didnt 'see red' at the swearing. She was out of the room when he swore and she walked back and asked him to repeat it. She knew what he had said and didnt need it repeated as she said "I went to the kitchen and he was still going on and then said you can fuck off! Now I don't think we swear at each other and I saw red. I came back into the dining area and said what did you say and he said fuck off again". OP chose to go back into that room and ask for the thing that apparently caused her to see red to be repeated. It could be taken from this that she was wanting to up the ante. If the swearing had made her see red and push him then she would have done it at the first 'fuck off'.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 27/06/2014 11:20

Hickory if a partner pushed me at all even slightly it would be the end of my marriage/relationship. No question about that. I made the mistake before of writing it off a a one-off and a loss of temper. Never again.

germinal · 27/06/2014 11:20

Having fallen off a thousand chairs I doubt its fatal.

Lweji · 27/06/2014 11:24

Falling is different from being pushed. There's a difference in acceleration.
The risk may be small, but there is a risk. Just putting it into perspective.

I don't think the OP deserves a criminal record, but this should not be minimised either. At all.

VampyreofTimeandMemory · 27/06/2014 11:30

well, I've behaved dreadfully during a particular period of extreme stress/anxiety/depression and am very grateful that my dp didn't write me off as a partner. ADs sorted me out but he would have been right to leave me. as would OP's husband in this situation. But if it was me, I wouldn't, not based on this horrible and regretted mistake.

Hickorydickory12 · 27/06/2014 11:37

I have been with my dh for 20 years. We have a happy marriage, but at times he has annoyed me and I have pushed him. Never hard just with frustration. Not my finest moments, but such is life.
He has never been scared, why would he be. He knows I would never hurt him. He could floor me in seconds. But never would. He would probably even say he deserved to be pushed.
Life isn't so black and white.

STOPwiththehahaheheloling · 27/06/2014 11:41

I have been with my dh for 20 years. We have a happy marriage, but at times he has annoyed me and I have pushed him. Never hard just with frustration. Not my finest moments, but such is life.
He has never been scared, why would he be. He knows I would never hurt him. He could floor me in seconds. But never would. He would probably even say he deserved to be pushed.
Life isn't so black and white.

And that's fine, your DH has his own boundaries and has deciding pushing is within them.

I have different boundaries and pushing is not acceptable to me so i would end the relationship. Your DH isnt wrong to stay with you- nor would i be wrong to leave my partner for the same behaviour. I also dont think you have to be scared or hurt to think that pushing is enough to end a relationship.

Lweji · 27/06/2014 11:45

Hickory, has your OH fallen to the ground because you have pushed him? Probably not.

MrBusterIPresume · 27/06/2014 11:45

OP chose to go back into that room and ask for the thing that apparently caused her to see red to be repeated. It could be taken from this that she was wanting to up the ante.

Or this was her way of calling him on the swearing. He had the option at that point not to repeat the swearing, but instead to calm down and apologise.

Just as she had the option to walk away and not push him.

They both behaved badly. They both need to take steps to ensure this behaviour is not repeated.

Hickorydickory12 · 27/06/2014 11:48

Yes I agree people have different boundaries. I just can't imagine a long term relationships with all the stresses of modern life where neither couple throws the odd swear word or frustration takes over.
I suppose people have different marriages, but my dh adores me and me him. Doesn't mean that I always behave impeccably.

Hickorydickory12 · 27/06/2014 11:49

Yes I agree people have different boundaries. I just can't imagine a long term relationships with all the stresses of modern life where neither couple throws the odd swear word or frustration takes over.
I suppose people have different marriages, but my dh adores me and me him. Doesn't mean that I always behave impeccably.

Hickorydickory12 · 27/06/2014 11:52

No, he hasn't fallen. Unlikely he would. But even if he did he would probably laugh at me and tell me to get a grip.

Op hope you're ok. If you and dh think that boundaries have been crossed, sit down and talk about it. But honestly, see it for what it is, a moment of madness with no real harm done.

MrBusterIPresume · 27/06/2014 12:00

Some posters seem determined to see this as an all-or-nothing attribution of blame. The OP pushed her husband so she must be the abuser and he must be the victim.

It seems to me that one characteristic of abusive relationships is a power imbalance between the perpetrator and the victim. The perpetrator has the power to act in a way that any reasonable person would find unpleasant, and the victim lacks the power to stop or prevent the other's bad behaviour.

What is the balance of power in the OP's scenario?

The OP tried to stop the argument. Her DH prevented this by insisting on continuing to argue.
The OP tried to leave the scene of the argument. Her DH prevented this by a provocative act (swearing), inducing her to return to the room.
The OP tried to challenge her DH for swearing at her. Her DH continued to swear at her.

The OP pushed him. Granted, her DH didn't prevent that.

But who holds the balance of power here? Not the OP.

normalishdude · 27/06/2014 12:28

there's never an excuse for physical violence especially in front of the kids. I wouldn't blame him if he called the police.

benfoldsfive · 27/06/2014 12:39

Mr buster exactly. Some of the women on here are crazy. Leave him, hand yourself in to the police and place your children up for adoption op! Bonkers!

EarthWindFire · 27/06/2014 12:43

I can't actually believe how the actions of the OP are being minimalised and those that have said it isn't the same as if the roles were reversed are wrong.

What would it take for them to be the same? Knock him unconscious, hit him with an object?

ffs this is not dv. she didn't mean to push him over it was an accident. she got a bit physical but it sounds like he was being a dick. u can't just reverse the roles, men have an inbuilt physical superiority. ffs just tell him ur sorry and be very apologetic in front of the kids. u will laugh about this some day.

This statement staggers me. Wrong on so many levels.

If it was a man that pushed a woman I bet you wouldn't say the same.

CurtWild · 27/06/2014 12:46

Good luck to anyone who gets the police to come out over being pushed. I called the police when stbxh pushed me over and was asked if I was injured or merely shaken. And if stbxh had calmed down, was I afraid and was there somewhere I could go with our 3 small DC if needs be.

I must be living in the wrong area regarding the policing because they didn't come near until the next day, and then it was just a quick chat and gone. They said something along the lines of 'you know it was wrong to push curt in front of DC, we don't want to hear you've repeated it or next time you'll be leaving with us.' Barely a hand slap.

After they'd gone, stbxh had a field day saying I'd blown it out of proportion, the police thought I was bonkers for reporting it..

I honestly don't know what the right course of action is here. If it's a complete one off then maybe with a lot of talking, OP's DH will get over it and move on. For me it was jist one more to add to the list of verbal, aggressive, destructive and emotional abuse so yes, I left.

normalishdude · 27/06/2014 12:46

I see that some are saying it was the victim's fault. Interesting view point.

Longdistance · 27/06/2014 12:48

There's no mention of the dh removing the dc from the situation they just witnessed. If that was a woman, I think she would have grabbed the dc and ran to the room with them. I certainly would have, if it was me that was pushed.

I'd like to know more details tbh.