This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

I do hope the CPS decides they have enough evidence to prosecute your ex, with or without your input. He is a violent criminal.

Happy, you're in urgent need of support. Are you still talking to Women's Aid and Victim Support? Please ring them TODAY and tell them how you're feeling, all of it.

Enjoy the sunshine. Distract yourself.

Happy, don't apologise. You're being honest, and that is brave. When you're honest, the wise women of Mumsnet can help you out. If you're honest with Women's Aid, even better. They will help you get your head straight. You will wobble on every score. It's ok, you know...

I am glad you're still here. Tell us a bit about the quilt. What colours? Design? etc. I love quilts.

You're an amazing lady with nothing to apologise for.

Happy - you have nothing to apologise for! (Him, on the other hand ...)
Please speak to WA, the Police, anyone else who can help you through this. You are not the only woman to have gone through it.

I have spoken to womens aid and they spoke to me about why I am feeling how I feel it has helped me to understand it and rationalise a bit but I am feeling so so wobbly and so lonely. I still feel like a kid I feel sad. I don't know.
DS quilt is a patchwork of all the baby grows he had in his first year. I did one for dd too , it's been about 7 months I have been making his one for, but am very nearly finished now. I was just adding to it over his first year. I don't know how to add photos to my posts though.

Happy, I'd loved to see your quilt!

You are so doing the right thing - keep distracting yourself with wonderful things like the quilt and vent here.

So glad that you rang women's aid. I am very sorry about your miscarriage.

Just echoing everyone, this is NOT your fault. I hope he is prosecuted. Not only has he hurt you and your dcs, but chances are he will find someone else down the line to do the same thing to.

Happy, I'm so glad/relieved to hear that you have spoken to Women's Aid. I hope they are able to offer some ongoing support.

I found a link on their website to a Survivor's Handbook. It looks really useful. You may have seen it already, but if not, here's a link

damn. can't seem to add the link. If you are able to go to their website, you will be able to download it. There are also a lot of other women's stories which might help you to see that you are not alone in this. It's definitely worth a read.

Again, I think it's completely normal to feel wobbly and sad and lonely. Just try to let yourself feel these things. It's not wrong or bad or catastrophic to feel these things. It's completely normal, horrible but normal.

Your patchwork quilts of babygros sounds absolutely gorgeous. Wish I'd been able to do something like that for my little ones. What a beautiful thing to make. There must be so much love in those two quilts!

I hope you have an okay night and a decent sleep and I urge you again to keep reaching out for help and support - here but more importantly in real life too xx

Happy, that quilt sounds so so beautiful. What a wonderful idea. You sound very talented.

I'm off on holiday tomorrow, so I won't be around the thread , but I will be thinking of you, praying for you and will check in when I get back.

Look after yourself above all. You are doing everything right, and I mean that.

Thank you all again. I am going to call victim support tomorrow to ask about counselling. I also feel a bit calmer because I have written some plans for if the bad did happen and also my wishes for my babies.
I am trying but i do understand that it probably doesn't show but your support is a life line for me. Sometimes I just sit and read the thread over and over to calm me. And I know I don't really answer specific posters but I know all the screen names who have been posting and you have all been amazing tome. I wanted to say all this while I feel able to type.
I haven't eaten for a while does anyone have any tips for trying to make myself

Happy it sounds like you're doing amazingly... well done talking to Women's Aid and getting on with something creative making your son's quilt.

I just wanted to say I totally understand what you mean about missing someone -- I'm in the process of splitting up with my H, its horrible, its really wearing me down and making me feel shit (nothing near as bad as what you've gone through but shit nonetheless). I know with every fibre of my body that him leaving will be the right thing to do.

And yet I still miss him (even though he hasn't technically left). I miss the way he was when I met him, I miss the little things he used to do for me, the way he used to make me feel.

But I have to be really honest with myself and admit that actually that person no longer exists, if he ever really did. He has been replaced by someone else.

You hold these two images in your head at the same time, and when you are feeling weak or scared (which is totally normal) you think about how it was and you convince yourself that that's how it still is and that you're walking away from someone wonderful.

But it is an illusion. A very powerful, seductive illusion.

You've already been stronger than I have so far, by walking away. You've broken through that illusion and are now living your life. But its natural for your old life to come back to haunt you from time to time.

Just keep doing the things you're doing. It sounds like you're already beginning to get stronger. Keep focusing on what you've achieved and move ahead, small steps.

I need to drop the charges It's not fair of me to do this to him when I put up with it for so long.

No no no .... your logic is totally screwed up there.

What has fairness (justice) got to do with letting someone off rape and gbh? Nothing, right? That would instead to be creating unfairness and injustice ... actually that would be approval of abuse, horrifically so ... i'm sure you don't mean to approve but logistically it's got quite a tang in that direction. This isn't on the scale of complaining that your meal at a restaurant a year ago was bad.

I put up with abuse for a long time. Does that mean it wasn't abuse? He's innocent because i put up with it? Allowed it? This is blaming the victim by the victim. It's classic Stockholm thingy ... am i right there? It's part of the PTSD umbrella ...

Happy - if the charges are there let them play out and do your stuff. He did stuff. Let him answer to it all. Not yours to deal with. His. Ownership of his shit landed firmly in his lap. Ownership of your recovery is a worthier and necessary cause. Help yourself rather than him.

Ghosts need to be exorcised, freed to own their onward journey. Not harboured and tethered. Who do you want that to be directed at. You or him? Exorcise him and reclaim yourself. Or you may become a ghost yourself, trapped in his journey.

Please feel free to simply love yourself and your children ...

Could you try to just have something small - a cup of sweet tea and some hot buttered toast.

Thanks for your update. Still thinking of you, still rooting for you, still wishing you strength to keep going on this difficult journey that will be so worthwhile for you and your precious babies xx

dearest Happy - our posts must have crossed in the ether ...

I was wondering if i sounded harsh; i didn't mean that ... fierce for your defence and advocacy is all *grin

Tiny steps at a time. Toast is always good. I have totally lived on toast! When you feel ok you can explore different fresh and healthy breads, when down you can have the normal gunky stuff ... in time the differences become important and you start to make choices between this or that ...

Then you can move onto jam .. and cheese ... and you know what? Toast with jam and Wensleydale cheese is awesome!!

Happy
Nice to hear from you, your blanket sounds lovely(now that's a talent!) you should be proud of yourself.

What was it you wanted to know? Looks like some is missing.

You need to eat to keep your strength up, if you can't manage a meal try snacks like soup, beans on toast, sandwich, salad, yogurt,fruit.cereal.toast.
Remember slow small steps when you feel you can handle/manage to deal with things one at a time otherwise you will get overwhelmed with everything! This then will set you back.

It's very hard to deal with what you have been through, and none of us ladies will know exactly what your going through but many of use are proberly older and a lot wiser hence the advice given.
But everybody is a lot stronger than they actually think they are.
I forone , this time last year was in a terrible state of depression brought on my high anxiety never thought I would be willing a stranger going through similar MH issues. Yet I'm her to tell the story thank god.

Look after yourself, start my getting as much sleep as you can(a tired mind plays havoc with your mind) then try small snacks to get you eating again try something that you really fancy and see how you go with it. You just need to get your taste buds back! I've been down that road, your hungry yet you can't face anything!!!

Xx

It will get better, you will feel better. Just keep repeating that. It can't get worse but it can get so much better.
Sending you strength ~~~~~>

Ice cream? I had some tonight to cool down and it was lovely. Depends on what you like of course, it's hard when you don't fancy anything. If it's been a while since you had something your stomach may be delicate. So maybe some chicken noodle soup, scrambled egg, or toast as suggested before. Then work your way up to more exciting things! But sweet tea will give you some energy. If you're worried see your gp again, maybe they can offer you some energy building stuff to give you an extra boost.

So pleased you're asking for help and receiving it. No-one deserves it more than you sweetheart.

Nanight, sleep well x

There are milk shakes you can get in the chemist, they give them to old people who can't eat very much, but they are packed with vitamins and minerals that will keep you going if you can't face food. I had about 3 weeks once when food simply got stuck in my throat any time I tried to eat and someone gave me those.

Your quilts sound amazing.
Could this be a new business you could set up later down the line?
You sound very creative and talented.

Food wise.. I drank sugary tea and ate ice lollies (home made orange juice ones). After a few days bananas were also on the menu.
It's all I could really keep down at the time and it keeps your sugar levels up.
Soup is good and also smoothies if you can manage.
Maybe plain biscuits to dunk in your tea. Malted milk or rich tea, something like that?

I'm glad WA could offer you some support and insight.

I really hope the bad doesn't happen. You will be so much stronger and be able to deal with things much better. You have some great organisations helping you and you can lean on them whenever you need to.
Just keep him behind bars for as long as possible to protect you and your DC.

I hope you can get some counselling and it offers you some help and comfort.

Still thinking you and still routing for you.
Stay strong.

Hope you are doing okay today Happy xx

I just want to be gone I just can't
I've taken dc to their aunties house because I can't do it anymore

It's good the kids have gone to their aunts but they need their mama.

Please phone the Samaritans just now. I'm going to try to find their number xx

08457 90 90 90 please phone they will help you xx

Don't let him beat you now!
You've come to far.
Call the samaritans.
Call Womens Aid.
Get some help hunny - you deserve it.
And your kids deserve their lovely, creative mum who has got them to sleep through and use a toilet and who has loved and nutured them.
I don't want to guilt you I really don't because I have no idea what you must be going through but.. please don't leave your children with the guilt of anything you have done.
You can and will be there to see them through their heart aches, their successes, their loves, their grand children.
Phone and get the support you deserve and need.

Wanted to delurk to say how amazed I am by everything you've done for yourself and your children.

It may not always feel like it but you must be an immensely strong woman to have come through all that you have.

Wrt eating - if you don't eat for a long time your appetite just completely goes, but once you get started again it soon comes back. Start with something small that you like (digestives with tea?) and build up. And don't forget to force down a vitamin tablet whilst you're not eating much :)

Your DC will be having a lovely time with their aunt, but I bet the highlight will be mummy walking back through the door to pick them up :)

Xx

I'm trying I promise and your messages are bringing me strength so thank you x

We know you are trying and you are doing really well.

You are a great mama and a lovely strong talented woman xx