This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Well done for getting through it, hour by hour, day by day. The nightmare is getting further behind you with every step.

And don't forget - without the dark, we would not know light.

It is really lovely to hear that you are making a quilt for your boy. What a beautiful thing! And even better that there is something that is calming and therapeutic for you.

Please don't feel you have to apologise to us. No-one here thinks you're silly or expects you to just pull yourself together. You're going through so much and I think everyone here just cares about you and wants you to be okay.

I hope you manage to have a good sleep tonight xx

That's is excellent trying to keep yourself motivated when your in a dark place is extremely hard! And your doing it(well done) doesn't matter for how long it's an escape from the thoughts.

You will have to post us a pic when you've finished it.
Your thoughts,feeling will changed quite a lot, the bad ones you have to push from your mind and don't give them the time of day because there not worth your time!

Have you started your new meds or are you staying with Sert now
Xx

Hi happy thanks so much for posting to let us know how you are.

A quilt for ds, what a fab idea! I really should do something like that for mine

Keep on going sweetie, you're doing a sterling job of getting through this. Like captain said, every minute that passes you are getting further and further away from your nightmare. The light is in front of you. You'll get there.

Hope you sleep well tonight x

Happy... The thing that strikes me is that actually you have done one of the bravest, ballsiest, least selfish things you could have done.

You removed yourself and your children from a toxic environment at a time of great personal turmoil and inconvenience to yourself.

You are bolder and braver than millions of women who stay in relationships like this. You are worthy of massive respect.

You are going through hell now because you are recovering from years of abuse. It was not your fault you were abused by this man. You could not have predicted it and you certainly didn't deserve it.

When you recover and you will you will realise how strong you have been and how much your children love and depend on you. Please, please don't give up on yourself, or on them. The hardest part is now behind you.

Happy I've read the whole thread, and I check every day to see that you are ok. I haven't posted before but I just wanted to say that you are not in any way silly. Don't feel you have to 'pull yourself together' - your feelings, whatever they are, are VALID. Don't judge yourself, we are not judging you. Accept that this process will take time. We support you.

Fresh is spot on. You don't need to 'pull yourself together'. You are fighting as much as possible already. We can all see that and admire you for it. The dark times are inevitable at times, and will be overwhelming at times, and no one is judging you for them. In fact, the way you are dealing with them is amazing. You've searched out help, you've taken advice from people on here, you've gone to hospital, you are finding things to do. You are doing so so much, happy and I for one am well impressed. Have a good day today...have been praying for you this morning.

I miss him I really miss him, I need him and I feel so guilty

Missing him is perfectly natural hun. You spent a long time together. But you do NOT need him. Look how far you've come without him! You need your kids and you need YOU.

Don't fall into the trap of only remembering the good times. Every time you do this, consciously remind yourself that the bad times outweighed them beyond measure.

What are you doing today happy? Is it sunny where you are? I hope you're managing to do something nice, even if it's just a small thing like a visit to the swings with the dc x

Of course you miss him.
Well not actually 'miss' as such.
You just feel very much like a fish out of water and want the status quo back.
That is no good for you at all.

You do NOT need him.
Look how far you have come. Look how far your children have come since you left.

If you ae having a wobble then please contact womens aid. They can help you through this.

You CAN do this.
You ARE doing this.
Keep going.

Do you think you're missing the person you thought he could be? Perhaps the family life you hoped for, if only you just kept trying (but you did keep trying, and the wish never came true.)

When you've left a very controlling partner, life can feel very sort of flat & rudderless for a while. It's because the controller made sure you were always thinking about him - what mustn't be wrong, what must be ready, how you must speak, what you must ask, what you mustn't mention, what he expects, just how he likes it, and on and on.

After it starts to sink in that you don't NEED to be anxious all the time, there's this odd little period when it feels like you don't know what to do! Nobody's telling you off, nobody's going to hit you or make your kids' lives a misery, you can DO WHAT YOU LIKE!!! But what is that??

I remember standing in the middle of a massive Sainsbury's, looking at the miles of shelves, feeling all at sea because I no longer had to buy what XH liked! I tried feeling excited, but actually it was unnerving ... I'd forgotten what I like to eat, and also what music I like.

They take up so much of your head space, freedom feels 'empty' in a way. One good thing to do with your new free time is write down how you want your future to look, and your DC's. Then you can make picture boards or write what needs to happen for this to come true - step by step. Try to do fun things as well! If you can't remember what you love doing, try out loads of new things and see what clicks.

You'll get through this, and come out stronger :)

Happy, I am not an expert in this. I know you must surely miss him, simply because he is not there and he was there for 6 years, very much part of your thoughts. It must be like a big hole. But not necessarily a bad hole. If you cut a cancerous tumour out, it leaves a hole - but it's a good hole. The cancer is gone, though there will be a scar, but it will heal.

Don't forget what he has done to you. He is so dangerous the police haven't even given him bail. And if he is dangerous to you, he is dangerous to your kids too.

You've done and are doing what is best for all of.

Garlic is right, happy. You have come from an unbelievably controlling relationship, and it's scary having to think for yourself. It's so much easier to have Him telling you what to do every day/minute, and now you have to do it.

I get that you miss that, and his physical presence, but you are not missing him. You are missing his control. You were co dependent, and that is hard to get over. Research codependency, you should find coping strategies online.

It does get easier.

As previous posters have said it is normal to miss him and it is normal to feel guilty about that. But don't give yourself a hard time for your feelings. Just feel whatever you feel but try to think about why you might be having those feelings before you act on them, if you know what I mean.

You were with him for six years, he's the father of your children, as you said earlier, you felt you needed him to function, you loved him, you probably still do. He told you what you could do and what you couldn't do. He controlled you. In some ways, that can seem easier. You don't have to make difficult decisions. You don't have to think too much or face the challenges ahead. You don't have to take responsibility for everything. It's like a child having a parent tell them what to do. You don't have to be your own mother and father. And that's all very well if that person genuinely loves you and cares for you and treats you with respect and does not harm you or think that they possess you and can control you.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling here tonight and probably not even making sense. Previous posters have said it better but what I'm trying to say is it's normal to miss him but you and your children deserve so much much much more than him. You deserve to live in safety. You deserve to live not in fear that you are going to get your ribs broken or raped. You and your children deserve to be loved properly and respected. Look at your beautiful little daughter and think about how much you love her and you would like her to be treated in the future - with love and respect. Remember that there is a beautiful little innocent vulnerable girl in you too - she deserves love and respect too.

Please stay strong xx

Happy, at the moment you life is a little like your next quilt project with a new technique you havent tried before.You have the idea in your mind, and the overall theme of what you want to achieve, and you might need to ask someone more experienced in quilting for advice on how to do this new technique. But you know what you want to achieve. And you know you have the patience to work at it. Right now you have a pile of pieces all waiting to be stitched together and it's a bit all over the place. But as you work at it, the quilt takes shape, and becomes something comforting and warm and beautiful. And that's similar to your life. Piece by piece, stitch by stitch you'll get there. Like any project we have has to re-do some wonky stitches or the needle breaks, but we fix it and keep going, don't we?

Just keep stitching this new life together bit by bit until you've created something beautiful for you and your little ones.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I've had a few myself, and it's not easy. I think you are talented, brave and amazingly strong.

Happy, how are you today? Please never feel ashamed of your thoughts, feelings, actions when you are letting us know. We just want to be here for you.

I need to drop the charges It's not fair of me to do this to him when I put up with it for so long.

No, no and thrice no happy - this is just a wobble you're having my love.

Don't put your bravery this far to waste. This man needs to know what he's done is wrong. Even if you don't go back to him, what will stop him thinking he can do this to someone else? He needs to feel the force of the law, to make him accountable for his actions, and maybe finally see the error of his ways.

Again, think about the message you're sending to your dc if you drop charges.

Please stay strong my love, for everyone's sake. You can do this x x

Are you keeping busy? Maybe you're thinking about all of this too much. It can send you round and round in circles. Try to take your mind off it all with something x

Dear Happy, I do not have experience of domestic violence so am worried about saying the wrong thing BUT he broke your ribs, he raped you, he will do these things again. He is the one not being fair, to put it mildly! It does not matter that you put up with it before.

Two women a week are killed by their current or former partner. Please don't be one of them. If you drop the charges, the cycle will continue.

Please phone Women's Aid - 0808 2000 247. They will help you xx

It's not fair of me to do this to him

NO - it's not fair on you for what he put you through for years and years.
Look what it's done to you.
You have come so far and been so very very brave.
Do NOT, and I meand do NOT let him get away with this anymore.
It won't stop.
He'll be released and you'll be right back where you were.
Don't waste what you have done so far.
For your DC you need to be strong.

He won't stop unless YOU stop him.
You have the power to stop this from ever happening again! Use that power.

Don't be afraid and don't be scared.
You owe him NOTHING!
Other than making sure he gets what he deserves for what he has put through.

Stay strong. You can do this!

I have no experience of dv of this magnitude either so am very much speaking from the heart. I do hope my comments are helpful rather than the opposite happy. x

What are you talking about - not fair to him? What's not fair? that he raped you - and has for years, probably? That he broke your ribs - and probably more bones, previously? That he was/is a controlling, abusive, bullying bastard?

No, I'd agree, that is NOT FAIR! And he needs to be punished for it. He did it, he should face the consequences.
It's not your fault he did these things, it's his. And his fault, alone.
We (women, you, me, your dd, mine) need to be protected from men like these. Your ex will never see that he is a violent thug - he (I'm sure ) thinks it's all your fault he is in prison. It needs to be proven to him that it is HIS FAULT.

IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT - -IT'S HIS!

And anyway - I don't think you can 'retract the charges' of rape. I think it is out of your hands. I think the Police are well, well aware of the effect these 'men' have on their victims, many of whom are too scared and beaten to bring charges. I think you need to consider why you are thinking of letting his bastard off the hook. Letting him get away with what he's done. There is evidence of what he's done, you have evidence that you left him well before the act; No, I'm sure you can't retract. Hope not, anyway.

I'm sorry x

No need to say sorry.

All everyone here wants is to help you, to see you give yourself and your children the safe lives you deserve. We do not want you to be treated appallingly. We do not want your daughter, in the future, to be treated appallingly.