This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

it's better that they are with someone who is stable and kind and has a nice heart and home

You are kind.
You have a nice heart.
You have a home.

You feel unstable because you've just been through cataclysmic changes of all descriptions. You're not "faulty", you're in shock. Anyone would be after all this!

I really think many cups of tea, long sleeps, group therapy, good support and new people will be better for you than handing off your children. You're in shock and it takes a lot out of you. You'll recover. You know about that, you're always recovering from things! It's not easy sometimes, and you know that too.

You will recover :)
There is help - use it, you're worth it.
Sleep. x

happy

This is really not the time for you to be making major decisions about yours and your children's future. You are understandably feeling rock bottom, and no wonder! You have been through things that no one should have to.

You really should give yourself more time for things to settle down. And stop blaming yourself for the past and your current situation. Your ex is a wrong un, and relationships are complicated things. No one has a crystal ball and we just do what we think is best at the time. It's all anyone does. Your ex has a lot to answer for. It's him you need to aim your anger at.

Honestly your children are better off with you. Do they come to you, smile at you, cuddle you? Of course they do. They need you hun! They don't need anyone else, they don't want anyone else.

No need for a male role model! In any case, this may come into their lives at a later date in the form of a teacher for example. My mum brought me and my brother up as a single parent till I was 10 when she remarried. My brother and I are in stable relationships with families of our own.

You will be stable too, one day soon. You just need some time, and the determination that I know you have. You will get your prize. You have shown such courage and vigour in the toughest of times. I really admire you and when you look back on these days in the future, I guarantee you will too x x.

Happy, I'm sure we all wish we could tell you that the hurting will stop soon. But the truth is there is going to be pain for a while because you have been through so much. That is why it is so important to access as much help and support as possible - do you have anyone at Women's Aid? The police? Could you get your GP to access additional MH support? Is there a Women's Support Network or Group near you? Could you speak with your health visitor? I can't remember what you said about your mother? Is she useless? Do you have any relatives who would care for you? Don't know if this is appropriate on MN, but perhaps you can tell us roughly where you are and we could see what services are available?

You might not think you know how to be a strong role model for your DD, but you simply are one. You found the strength and courage to get away from a violent, abusive, controlling man. That is the greatest gift you could ever give your children. Your DS needs only you just now. It's better that he has no male role model than a violent woman-hater as one. And, as previous poster said, good male role models will come into his life later - teachers, friends etc.

It's maybe too early for this just now, but in the not too distant future, maybe you could do the Freedom Programme, have therapy, read some books like A Woman In Your Own Right. You will amaze yourself at the strength and resources inside you. Please stay strong. I'm sure everyone on here would like to take you in their arms and give you the motherly hug you need and deserve.

I'm sorry happy there is more I want to add to my previous message.

Are you feeling like this because you want to punish yourself? I have no idea if I'm barking up the wrong tree here but this is how it reads to me. If you let your children go, you would be devastated, and they would be devastated.

Think back a few pages on this thread where people were urging you to be kind to yourself. This is needed now more than ever!

Go and watch your children's faces as they sleep. Allow yourself to take some small pleasure in this.

If you can sleep tonight, then do so. If you can't then I would make a small suggestion. If you don't already have a Twitter account, create one and have a look on there, find some interesting people to follow. I find I can go on there any time of night or day and lose myself for a while in people's conversations, chat to others who are awake etc. It's a good distraction and there are very many lovely people on there. Just a thought.

Here's another (hug) from me x

Oh Happy, I'm so very sorry you have more on your plate.
You got yourself away from a very very abusive man. That is the best lesson you can teach your DD.

You are a wonderful mum and your DC love you. You have come so far with them since you left. Think back a few pages how proud you were to let us all know about the sleeping through the night for the first time and using the toilet. YOU did that. YOU helped them achieve that. No-one else - YOU!

Your DS only needs you. Many boys grow up without a father figure. My dad is one of them and he's a wonderful man.

And please believe us all when we tell you that no-one is angry at you.
We all read your heart-breaking tale with admiration and respect of what you have been through and how far you have come.

You will have set backs, and we are here to help you with them. So are your RL support network.

Many of us have lost babies. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with any of us. It's nature. And we get through it. You will too.

Be kind to yourself now.

Sending you loads of (((((((((HUGS)))))))))

Oh happy, I have just caught up and I am so sorry to read your news. I can only echo what other posters have said about your feelings just now. It is normal not to feel normal if that makes sense, and any other woman in your situation, would probably feel similar emotions.

I hope you can be kind to yourself, you are doing a good job for your children, feeling sad/angry/frustrated/anxious is inevitable, and does not make you a bad person or a bad mother. It makes you human.

I hope you are continuing to receive RL support xx

Happy, I've just read your whole thread and wanted to tell you how wonderfully strong you are being. Things are so unbearable for you at the minute but you are keeping going despite how terribly hard it is for you. You are such a brave woman and believe me, you are the PERFECT role model for your DD. You took yourself and your children out of a dangerous, harmful situation although it frightened you badly and you didn't think you could do it - you DID do it and you should be so, so proud of yourself. They will be so proud of you when they are old enough to understand.

I'm terribly, terribly sorry to hear that you lost your baby, it's another horrible atrocity to bear just now. You must understand and believe that things will get easier. Keep those important telephone numbers close, keep visiting this thread for support, you have no idea how much we are willing you on. You've come SO FAR already, at the beginning of this thread you sounded so trapped but look at you now. Safe in your own place with your DCs, that disgusting man will be brought to justice and really, you must see you are so much stronger than you thought

Keep on keeping on Happy, you have such a wonderful life to look forward to!

I truly hope you can see and feel in your heart how much you are cared for and cared about in this thread, Happy.

It must seem like everything's against you but things will slowly improve as you get stronger and more able to take charge of your life. I think a first step might be asking specifically for help getting that part of your mind that turns on you to behave better.

There are techniques for taming repetitive cycles of thought. I don't know them but when I was pulling myself through a breakdown I had to literally talk myself round every time my mind got self destructive. Sometimes aloud, sometimes not.

You are on the cusp of becoming a whole new powerful you, though I know you won't believe me.

I am so sorry for your recent loss. It is not punishment.

I'm thinking of you and willing you to reach for stars instead of hell.

Happy, you're the best.

You took your children out of a situation which many do not. You have cared for them amazingly well. In the midst of all you were going through physically and emotionally, you found time and thought to shop for your ds's birthday even though he is too small to even really know. But you love him and care about him. That's a kind heart. No-one can ever be who you have been and no-one can bond with them again, their early years (especially the first) when the bonding happens.

Losing the baby is so tragic, and I know you will not feel this right now because you are grieving. But from an outsider perspective this allows you to be able to give more to the children you have, especially over the next year or two as you adjust to life independently, have therapy etc.

I know it seems like your body is not on your side, but it's done amazing things too. It has produced 2 incredible children. It has withstood the worst from your H. Your mind was strong enough to withstand 6 years of abuse and still get out. It wasn't broken by him. 6 years! There are scars and the current MH issues are the least of what the strongest person may experience. You sound very intelligent. You managed to maintain a job despite 2 kids and abuse. I can only wonder at where you'll be in 5 or 10 years. You are young, and there is so much you can do with your life. I can only imagine where someone as resilient as you could end up.

It's ok to be down now, and to allow us to encourage you. It's almost impossible for you to encourage yourself. The best you can do is to get the help you can (which you are doing) and keep signing in here to get the messages of support (which you are also doing). You are doing all you can, Happy. It will get better. I promise. I believe you know that deep down too.

Take care

Just echoing what Merry and others have said and hoping that you are doing okay today, Happy.

Happy, how did last night go?

Hope you're ok happy do let us know won't you love?

Hey everyone
Am not well but am alive just wanted to let you know. And I am reading all the messages and I so appreciate them all.

Hi Happy. So good to hear from you. Be good to yourself. You're doing great. These are hard, hard times, but you are hanging in there. You're a survivor.

Thanks for the update Happy.
Sorry are not well, concentrate on getting yourself well again.
Look after yourself.
Be kind to yourself.
for you!
And another but {{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}

Don't know what a but hug is.
I meant BIG HUG!!!

Hi Happy

Glad you managed to do a little update, sometimes when feeling unwell with MH illness you havnt got the energy or just sometimes can't be bothered and that's fine!
Remember one day at a time, no more than that. Small steps, we all have days one step forward two steps back! There blips I have them too. It takes a few days to get back up there again.

Your doing brill Hun xx

Happy, thanks so much for updating and letting us know that you are managing to put one foot in front of another. That is all you can do just now - keep breathing, small steps, get through the day one hour at a time. It is hellish just now but one day in the future it won't be like that. You will actually want to get up in the morning. You will be glad to be alive. Simple things will make you happy. You won't wake at all hours full of fear and dread and anxiety. You'll be amazed at what you have come through and survived.

It won't be as hard as this for too much longer. It will get easier. Ask for help and support if you can. People will want to help you and you'll get better and stronger sooner.

I'm going to say it again cos it's true and it's worth repeating - you are a strong, kind, loving, articulate, intelligent woman who is going through hell at the moment in order to give her beautiful daughter and beautiful son and yourself the chance of a safe and enjoyable life.

Stay strong. Sending more hugs xx

Hugs x

It is just all too dark

There's light, happy. We can see it for you. We have seen it when you've posted. On those 'good days'. I know only a little of what it is to feel dark and to want the pain to just go away. I get intense feelings of anger rather than sadness, but everyone is different. It's really awful but it is temporary. I am out of there now. 1,000's of others are out of that place. And you will be too one day.

You can see the light in your children's eyes or their faces as they sleep.

Take care, happy. Hugs, virtual is no good, but try and imagine. A good strong ones. Arms around you, holding you tight.

Thinking of you, too, happy. Wishing you strength and happiness.

You are so strong, even if you don't feel it

Happy, I hope you are okay.

If you are getting very dark thoughts please phone the Samaritans or 999. You absolutely are allowed to.

I wish we could do more to help you xx

I'm sorry for being so silly you are all being so supportive and I need to just sort it out and pull myself together.
Tonight I am finishing DS quilt off it is very therapeutic.
I am feeling more calm now but it is all very dark x

Oh my days - she can quilt too. R.e.s.p.e.c.t!

You have just lost a baby, Happy. No wonder you feel dark. That alone would be enough, without everything else.

Give yourself credit. And post a pic of the quilt if you can!