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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is not right but I don't know how to change it

965 replies

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 14:25

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 09/07/2014 20:42

Happy, I don't post often, but you have really touched me.

Your children love you and need you; you are all they have. Yes, it's hard right now, and you don't feel good because of the pregnancy. But that is temporary! Our feelings always come and go, and this will go, too. Living with an abusive man has made you feel you cannot cope, but you can. You've already found a new apartment, you have a great childminder who wants to help you; you just need to get through a little longer.

PS. my husband loved it when I was depressed, because he could do as he pleased and feel like the big man. When I got ADs and felt good for the first time in years, he was shocked and still tells people how much I changed. Yes, I needed help, but it was because of being with HIM that I needed the help. I bet you will be the same.

Call GP. too - there may be something that can help with the sick feeling while you are pregnant or some good advice.

myroomisatip · 09/07/2014 21:09

Happy, you are going through a massive period of adjustment. It will be hard, but honestly, as each day goes by it gets easier, it gets better.

You are safe. Your DC are safe.

You are very brave and a lot of us here posting to support you know exactly how brave you have been. You really can believe us when we say it gets better. It really does. :) I hope that one day you will be posting here urging others to do as you did, telling them that it is possible to get away and that they, and their DC, will be so much happier!

Of course you are good enough for your DC! No one, ever, could take your place. Stop right now with those thoughts. Your CM realises that you need some rest and some space. So make the most of that. And if you are having difficulty come and post here or find some other distraction. Happy, I think I can honestly say that we all promise that it does get easier!

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 09/07/2014 21:12

I am sorry I am reading everything that people are saying and yes I understand it but I can't do it, I don't have the strength for tonight let alone tomorrow, next week, next year. I just want out now, I feel no relief bein away from him just fear because I let him take over all control and now I have no idea how to take it back. I need him to function.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 09/07/2014 21:16

Ok then,in your own time.wee steps
Do get a psych appt though

newnamesamegame · 09/07/2014 21:30

Happy you are feeling like this because you are going through the most traumatic phase. You have been through hell and have been systematically brutalised by this man. Its not real.
Everyone is with you on this, we understand its not going to be easy. Take it as slowly as you need. Take all the support you can get. Post on here. Talk to whoever you need. Don't walk before you can run.

But for the sake of your children, do not go back to this man.

GarlicJulyKit · 09/07/2014 21:31

Yes. It's because he controlled your every moment, even your thoughts.

This doesn't mean you can't function without him. It means you're out of practice. It's like having weak muscles after a long illness; the more you think & do stuff for yourself (instead of for him), the stronger you'll get and the easier it'll be.

To get a psych referral, you need to see a GP and tell them what's happening with you. Ask the doctor to refer you urgently.

Did you talk to the children this evening? How are they?

scottishmummy · 09/07/2014 21:35

You don't have to justify you're decisions on mn,when you're able take wee steps

springbabydays · 09/07/2014 22:34

Hope you're ok tonight happy please don't feel alone because you're not x

Mini05 · 09/07/2014 23:41

Happy
You are tired! And when were tired we can't function!!!
Rest as much as you can, your CM is brilliant with you she cares about you hence giving you a rest tonight from your children and NOT that you can't cope!!

STOP thinking to far ahead, when I was poorly (mentally) my MHT told me one hour at a time,when I got through that be pleased with myself obviously I didn't see that at the time but I'm still here! And I had many bad times. Like you I'm on AD, please make sure you take your every day it's very important luv. You are doing much much better than you think, it's the tiredness that's making you think negatively.

I bet when your children see you tomorrow they have BIG smiles for you, and it's that picture of them smiling that will keep you going. They LOVE you there mummy and need you to cuddle and be there for them.

GarlicJulyKit · 10/07/2014 10:00

Good morning, Happy Flowers Take things easy, just one little thing at a time. x

BananaRaces · 10/07/2014 10:31

Thinking of you this morning Happy, hope you are being kind to yourself. Please don't go back to your arse-basket of an ex, you and your DC are worth much more than that. xx

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 10/07/2014 11:30

I've spoken to psych team and they're coming out to see me today
I am feeling suicidal and horrible but I went and got treatment for my cut
I won't go back to him
Thank u all for supporting me
Sorry for being shite

OP posts:
Tiptops · 10/07/2014 11:39

You are doing so well happy

We are all rooting for you and you are doing fabulously so please stop apologising. Having got any pearls of wisdom but offering you another hand to hold Flowers

Tiptops · 10/07/2014 11:39

*Haven't

GarlicJulyKit · 10/07/2014 11:58

Oh, well done, Happy! Getting treatment and support are both self-caring choices. You're great :)

No need to keep apologising Grin Those days are over.

BananaRaces · 10/07/2014 12:31

Well done. That must have been a very tough decision to make but you've taken a real step in the right direction. Yay for you!!
You're not shite at all, you're amazing, and you have done nothing which needs apologising for. Give yourself a break hun. Smile

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 10/07/2014 12:38

My childminder said she is happy to have them for as long as I need her to, I am scared if she calls social services but we have been friends for years so I dot know, I am just feeling shit and scared
Psych team should be here in about 20 minutes

OP posts:
tipsytrifle · 10/07/2014 12:56

Happy you are wonderful. You went into crisis and what sounds like a panic attack. Then you dealt with it and the wound too. I call that one step back and several ahead.

Do you consider when you turn on yourself that maybe verbally this is self-harm too? Or maybe you're so used to being controlled and abused that you replicate, since the monster isn't there to dish it out.

You deserve better than him.
You deserve to be loved, not hated.

I hope the crisis team meeting goes well. I'm very impressed with your childminder too!

MerryMarigold · 10/07/2014 13:39

Echo that you deserve to be loved. That starts with you learning to love yourself. You are amazing. You carried and gave birth to your children. You survived years of abuse and control, and had the strength to get out. You've nurtured them and you're proud when they can wee on the toilet! You have friends where the relationship has lasted years. That in itself does credit to you. Hope the psych team can help you.

Original poster
HappyLandSpaceMan · 10/07/2014 14:01

Psych team have come over and gone now but they said they are putting me on a call List so someone will call me every morning to see how I am. They've given me a prescription for more of my sedatives and said they are going to fax my gp with a medication change recommendation and to call me.
I'm going to get up and go to get a couple if bits for DS birthday and buy a new bra and then I will pick up dc.
I think I have decided to keep the baby.

OP posts:
captainmummy · 10/07/2014 14:17

Good news all round, happy!
Let us know how you get on with bra buying!
V glad you sound stronger, and supported.

MerryMarigold · 10/07/2014 14:26

That's great. They are much more expert than the gp, do I'm sure their recommendations will help. Good about the call too. Be honest when they phone. Good luck with the bra. Remember it doesn't wasn't to ride up your back or have a double boob on the front. Excited!

MerryMarigold · 10/07/2014 14:27

Doesn't WANT to ride up your back ie. A straight line from under your boobs round your back.

Wickeddevil · 10/07/2014 14:34

Still rooting for you, and glad that the psych team are going to provide ongoing support.

Good luck for the shopping trip. I bet you will be surprised, I know I was when I studied bra guru. Seriously amazed Grin

Keeping posting here too as much as you want / need to. We can be here for support.

springbabydays · 10/07/2014 14:50

You absolute star Smile I have happy tears right now thanks to you. I hope you have a pleasant afternoon and get all the stuff that you need.

Your childminder sounds brilliant btw. Nice to have such help right when you need it.

Enjoy lots of snuggles with your dc later.

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