This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Hi Happy,

Re your job, sorry it's turned out like that! But you could use a bit of time to get your head together and start relaxing.

Re the pregnancy , only YOU will know what's the right decision, not your SISTER. Your the one that makes the decisions now Happy, NOT told what to do anymore free to do what you want.

Re the bra, as the ladies say if you have a tape measure under the boobs, then right round the middle across your nipples then have a look at the chart the other lady said.
Go then into tesco, sainsburys, next, bhs, m&s you can buy the sz you measured get it home and try it on, if it not right you can take it back and swipe it or get your money back.
If the cups to small go up a cup size, again if it's big go down a cup size.

WA will know of ladies that have and are going through what you are, so will put you in the right direction.you shouldn't have to pay!
Even your DV lady might know of councillor for you to talk your feeling/fears through.

Make sure your getting all the benefits you are entitled to?

Thank you all for continuing to post for me to read. It helps when I am feeling completely alone to come and read on here your lovely messages.
I am being sick, constantly. This is how I was with the other 2, and it is hitting home! I am going for a scan next week. I feel I already love this baby. I am still undecided an scared.
I went to see my old therapist today and she said she doesn't think she can help me. It felt like a massive rejection, and I felt so embarrassed. But I am going to see my gp tomorrow again so maybe she could make a new referral. The SARC offers counselling but I haven't looked into it.
I have cut again, which upset me but I can't change it now.
I have measured myself but I cannot make head or tail of that chart, I am a bit stupid I think. I saw a thread on here earlier about help with bra size so I might start one,
I had a horrible nightmare about him, it was flashbacks of all the shit things he did. But actually it has helped me to start to really dislike him, and know that not everything was my fault.

Ah just realised I posted only half but that is the general gist of the post. Again thank you all

Oh, love, you're going through it, aren't you. Awful to have the nightmares - but it does mean your head's getting itself round the fact that you're free now, you don't have to make out it "wasn't so bad" just to keep going. Counselling should really help with this. Please do ask your support agencies whether they can sort you out an appropriate person :) Getting used to being helped can be a bigger step than it sounds like it should be ... it's okay, you deserve help.

It's a bummer about your old therapist. She was honest with you, though, so now you can feel sure it's right to ask your support services.

Don't cut, sweetheart. You're worth good treatment - from yourself as well as others. Is there something less damaging you could do next time you feel swamped, like have a massive shower & cry, or do a shred session?? More helpful ways of dealing with your feelings would be to write them out - just put a pen on the paper and see what comes out - or draw, or sing them. Or just do slow, focused breathing and see how long it is before you feel less panicked.

7/11 breathing:
Breathe in deeply (diaphragm) for a count of seven, exhale from the bottom up to a count of eleven. Focus on feeling the air coming in & leaving. The full exhalation forces your system to relax, the focus grounds you and the timing count helps you to re-establish normal breathing. If you're hyperventilating, it can be helpful to hold the breath in for a second, but not everyone finds that (I don't.) Repeat as required.

You're clearly not stupid. It's just that your brain's busy with your new situation!

Happy. You know what, if you have moments between being sick, Primark do bras for 2.50. Just go and try a load on and figure out what fits the best and then get a few. For 2.50, if your boobs change a bit with pregnancy, it doesn't matter too much and you can change size. Also, means you don't have to figure too much out!

Sorry about the counsellor, but maybe she also felt bad that can't help. It doesn't mean no-one can, but that she doesn't have the particular skills to help. I am sure you can find someone who can, and especially now you are out of the relationship, it's got to make a massive difference.

Happy - come on darling soul. You can do this. Deep down you want to live and be happy. That's clear from your writing. Yes, get referred to someone else. my friend has just been through a similar experience where the alleged expert said they couldn't help her. Like wtf?

I'm achingly sorry that you cut again. Do you need medical help for the wound?

You are not stupid.

I think you may have PTSD.

You are amazing.

Happy, you've done super well. In the space of this thread, you've escaped a dire domestic violence relationship and set yourself up in your new home, with 2dc. God knows you've had a lot thrown your way during these short few weeks

You've come so far... I just wanted to show you how amazing you are.

Even now, 22 years on from leaving home and my parents dv, I still have reoccurring nightmares. It catapults me back to how terrible my childhood was, but they are only dreams. I wake up thinking they are reality and I must do something, but then I remember dh is in bed with me, I have my own family and dcs and life is ok.

I agree that you probably have PTSD and your counsellor was good to be honest with you. I'm no expert in this, but you probably need to see someone more qualified than counsellor? The quality of counsellor are all very different (have seen counsellors, psychologists and psychiatrists throughout my lifetime - thanks mum and dad...), could your gp help with that? Someone will know better than me...

WithoUt a doubt, you are one of the strongest ladies I know ...

Hang in there happy. We are all rooting for you.

You have so much on your plate. Lots of things that are hard to change. But, you can sort yourself out with a bra. Start a thread in style and Beauty. They helped me and I've been wearing the wrong size for years.

Tackle one small thing each day.

Tipsy and imip are spot on - you may well have PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder). You can get help, counselling mainly, which you shouldn't have to pay for. your GP should advise, tell him/her everything. Don't be embarrassed. It's what they are for.

There are various threads about bras on here - or post the measurements you took and we'll look at the chart. Or PM one of us?

Re the baby - how many weeks are you? Did the sickness stop after 3 months? (I know some poor people get sick the entire time)

Aahhhhh god I just wanna scoop you up and hug you.
You are still doing so well.
You will have set backs.
But 2 steps forward and 1 back means you are still loving forward.
Ask your GP for a referral for counselling.
You will need specialist help but someone will be able to help you
Mention PTSD to your GP.
Keep going.
Keep strong.

Hi happy hope your visit to the gp goes well today. You are being so proactive and you sound more in control now. Like lumpy says, one small thing each day.

Also agree with garlic's post wholeheartedly, in fact everyone on here has given fantastic advice. I'm so pleased you're still using this thread for support.

Still cheering you on from the sidelines and sending virtual hugs. Hope you have a good day.

Happy - the best measuring advice that I got was from this website and super easy, so hopefully it will help you too!

www.sophisticatedpair.com/bracalculator.htm

The only issue is that if you decide to continue the pregnancy, it might be worth getting just a very cheap bra to begin with as you will outgrow them!

Hi everyone thank you again for the messages it is so nice to have people to talk to.
Dd did a wee on the toilet today- all by herself, I haven't even thought about potty Training her. It made me cry, my big girl!
I started a thread and got told a bra size that just sounds crazy to me. But I will go and have a look. I am going to take dc to childminders in a bit, then am going to the gp and going to call the SARC to see if they have any suggestions for counsellors or if they can start me with theirs.
With both dc I was sick throughout the pregnancies, which left me very tired. I think this one will be the same.
I feel scared and a bit overwhelmed today. There is lots I need to do and lots going on, my mind is going at a million miles an hour.
The cut wasn't too bad, I dressed it and left it alone last night.
I can see some light today. It's scary but a bit happy

Happy I haven't posted before now, but wanted say how amazing you are, for protecting your DC.
I wish you well

I am so glad you are feeling better and you have plans for the day.

Go and do something nice for yourself, get some flowers, or have a coffee and watch the world go by for a while :)

I have only just spotted this thread, but have read the whole thing and I just wanted to say that I think you are one of the bravest ladies I have EVER come across. I know you will think I am just saying that to be nice, but I am being totally honest. You're kids are going to be so proud of you when they get older, make sure you're around to feel their pride hun, because it will feel amazing.

You can do this, you already ARE doing this. You have been through a horrendous ordeal, you have been through so much horror that you must be finding it hard to cope. But it will get better, not straight away, but slowly it will get better; and sooner than you think you will realise that you don't feel so terrible.

As far as help on the bra goes: there are 2 bits of a bra size - the number and the letter - the number is the size of the band which goes around you, the letter is the size of your boob. So 32 is very small around you, 34 is a bit bigger, 36 is a bit bigger again. A is a smallish boob, B is a bit bigger, C is bigger again.
When you try a bra on: The first thing to do is loosen the shoulder straps equally (they always have them done up too tightly in shops). Then put it on and move your boobs around so they're comfortable. You should be able to get 2 fingers under the shoulder straps.
Firstly, getting the number right for the band which goes around you. If the band feels too tight around you, you need to try the next number up (so if a 34 feels too tight, try a 36). If when you look at the back the bra fastening bit is sliding up your back, rather than staying in a straight line with the front, you need to try a number down (so if a 36 slides up your back, try a 34).
Then for the boobs, if the bra material is creasing over your boobs or it looks like your boobs have too much room, you need to try a lower letter (so if a D is too roomy or creasing, try a C). Then turn sideways and look at the line of your boob where it meets your bra, there should be a smooth line, if it's pushing into your boob a bit so you have slight double-boob going on, you need a higher letter (so if a C gives you double-boob, try a D).

I know this might be too much info at the moment, I'm sorry if it's too much to take in, or I'm not making sense, but I have had an absolute nightmare with bras over the years (I'm a really weird size), and have found that this is the best method for me getting a good fit. Bras are sometimes confusing things and seeing as they always tell us that most women are wearing the wrong size there is no shame in being a bit clueless about them - I wore the wrong size for YEARS!!

I live near Cardiff, and if you ever fancy going bra shopping with me I would be very happy to go with you if you can get here, I'm not scared off by scars.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other, you are doing SO well hun. Be kind to yourself right now, you have been through so much.

I can't do it I'm not going to be able to look after my babies I can't

You can do this sweetheart. You were already the one who was really looking after them, your ex was only doing them damage. It's going to feel awful now because it's all so fresh, it's going to feel raw and like you can't cope. That's OK, you've been through something really traumatic. It will start to get better, you just need to hold on for it.

Do you need to phone the Samaritans (08457 90 90 90)?

I need to die I can't do it

Hand holding here, too. Your children are happier already, aren't they, and sleeping better? They know they can trust you :) They're right.

Do speak to someone - Samaritans or your support worker. Breathe. It is going to be okay.

Ah come on Happy - your dc need you. Your dd did a wee all by herself yesterday - you need to be around to see her doing all sorts of first-things ! School plays, sports days, parent-teacher evenings when they tell you how fab your dd is... you need to be around for that!

Please tell your doctor everything - he may/should put up on anti-depressants for a few weeks, to get you stable again.

Why do you think you can't look after your babies??

And if you don't, who wil? Custody will go to him! Do you want that? Do you think dc will want that?

Happy, try and do one small thing, like water a plant, or go and buy a chocolate bar, or if you can, go for a walk in a park. It doesn't matter if you're crying.

Holding your hand here too. You have done so much already...you can keep going. Do you have someone who is looking out for you?

I'm on anti depressants I have been for years I had to keep stopping them when he found out but went back on them I am on highest dose now and it's stil not helping
He won't get custody if he goes to prison and they will be better off without me
I haven't got any friends
I can't move I feel scared and I can't get up

OK, stay where you are. Where are you? On the floor? In bed? What does it feel like? Where is the floor/ bed touching you? Shut your eyes and focus on everything you can feel, physically.

I'm on the floor next to the sofa my leg is hurting I feel sick and so so scared I can't breathe properly even I am doing slow breathing but it just keeps speeding up