This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Please take care of yourself ...I've just read the whole thread and think you are so brave. You've come so far. xx

Look Happy, in 12 months time where would you like to be?

You have a lot of support here and a lot of advice from people who are going through and have gone through the same same you are going through right now.

Please, please reach out, talk to samaratins, post on here, do whatever you think helps. Your children need you.

You know, when you are at rock bottom, the only way is up! You already have your own home and you know what? What you decide to do now, it is your decision, yours alone :)

Oh shit that sounds so flippant. I did not mean it to be. But I could not just announce that I was going out shopping one morning, that would never happen! I just wanted to point out that you have that freedom now, to do as you like :)

I know shopping is the least of your priorities now but, whatever you want to do, you have the freedom to make your own decision! That is a good thing!

Congratulations on your new flat and getting your stuff from the old one. I'm so sorry for your bad feelings, but this is just the beginning and you will be up and down for a while yet. But at least it is a beginning, your children are so lucky to have such a wonderful mother and though I wouldn't wish it on anyone, this bad experience will make you a better, stronger and wiser woman.

Oh happy I hope you're ok.

Thing is it's your first night in your new place and it's all different again, and won't feel like a proper home yet.

Tomorrow how about setting out to buy a little trinket for your new place? Something to put your mark on it? Doesn't have to be much, but just a little something you choose, perhaps with the help of your dc.

Hope you can get some sleep.

Hold on there sweetheart, you're doing so well.

You will get ups and downs and I hope you wake tomorrow feeling like you did on Wednesday - the beginning of the realisation that you're free now.

springbaby's idea that you make your mark on your new home is excellent. Some flowers, or get the Dcs to do some drawing and pin them up, or take photos of them doing something silly, or dancing.

Next time you wake up feeling positive and optimistic, how about writing it down in a notebook? Really concentrate on all the good that you're feeling and anticipating.

Then next time you're feeling low it'll be there for you to absorb, just your own words bringing you back to a better aspect of what you're going though.

Hope you're sleeping well.

I'm sorry it's so hard happy. You're on my mind many times a day. I really hope you can hang on long enough to see that all this is worth it xx

I'm sorry, I need to get all my thoughts together,
I am up with DS, I feel calm when feeding him.
I have just found out that I am pregnant. I am trying to work out what to do for best.. I guess it's a situation not many have experience of but I really feel I need some support. I am going to call womens aid tomorrow. I am trying to plan things but this is making it so much harder/ I feel my world has just started going again and now it has stopped dead.
I am just in shock I think. I feel so scared and so suicidal all the time. DS and dd are keeping me going for now

Oh Happy, I know this feels like a tonne of bricks landing on you, with everything else you have to deal with right now. But just take it one hour at a time, and yes, do call WA again! See - you already thought of that!! Being scared is normal under the circumstances, but please call Samaritans if you are really suicidal, or go to A&E. Your little ones need you so badly; please don't do anything drastic. Look how far you have come; you can just keep taking one step at a time and eventually you will work out what's best.

Take a deep breath. You have made some giant steps forward. Please be kind to yourself and call for help. The Samaritans are there to listen. You can do this.

Oh happy. I don't know what to say.
Get your era life support in place for the help you need.
You've come so so far.
This is another hurdle but you will get over it.
You need to do what's best for you on this one.
You have coped with so much on your short life so far.
You are a true inspiration.
Talk to people.
Make YOUR decision and don't look back.
I hope WA can help with this.
Keep going

We are all here for you as well.

Happy, just keep getting through one minute at a time. Seek out real life support. Don't expect too much from yourself.

Happy, that's strange. It did occur to me the other day that you might be pregnant. That's a huge shock on top of everything else, moving and leaving and his most recent assault, the prospect of a trial. It's not surprising you're not well. Please allow yourself to feel down. You can't possibly feel amazing all the time with what you are going through. But you will one day, sweetheart, feel amazing most of the time (I don't believe anyone can do it all the time!).

We are all rooting for you here. There's a limit to what we can do, but if thoughts and prayers help - there are many of those for you. Do get all the help you can in making the decision with the pregnancy. You have taken a step that many are not brave enough to do in leaving your ex. Please give yourself LOADS of credit for doing that. You are an incredible, strong person, and I believe you will make a decision that is best for you and your dc. Even if you don't know what it is yet, talking it through and looking at all options, you will come to peace on this. We're all rooting for you Happy. Keep going. You have come so far already. You are already a shining light to others who may be in this situation. Keep the light burning, Happy. Hugs.

Well, congrats on your pregnancy! Hopefully a bit of light in the murk, for you.

I can sort of understand your feelings - you have come from a situation where you experience terrific highs, and awful lows, one after the other. The escape from him, the rape, the new flat - all massive swings of emotion involved. And now.... now, it's all calm, and maybe a bit flat, and you are experiencing a bit of 'what now'ism?
It takes some getting used to, ordinary life.

Please phone te samartians, just to talk if you need to. Phone WA, they will be well used to this, and will help with 'what comes next'

And I'm so glad he is being kept in until the courtcase - it shows that the police think this is serious and he is really worth keeping off the streets and away from you.

Eek happy! So on top of everything else you've been going through, you now have all manner of hormones racing through your body too! No wonder you've been feeling crap honey.

Your world hasn't stopped, it's just taken a different turn. Everything is still on track.

Did you contact WA today? And is this something you can talk through with your sister?

Hope you managed to get something nice for your new home today. In amongst all the 'big' stuff, don't lose sight of the small things that can make a difference.

Also, if you haven't done so already, get yourself to a lingerie shop and get fitted with a new bra! I remember you saying yours didn't fit right. Your body's changing so you'll definitely need a new one.

How are you feeling?

What news, I wouldn't know how to deal with the mess and tangle of emotions and confusion. I do however think you should be very kind to yourself, don't rush into any decisions, or put pressure on yourself to measure up to some unachieveable image you might have in your head (if your head does the same as mine!).

The absolute most important thing to focus on, if you possibly can, is to be gentle to yourself, kind and generous and nice.

It's the hardest thing to treat yourself well, when you've been horribly abused and treated like a piece of shit for so long. But please try and care a little bit for yourself, even just a minute a day. You deserve it. And you need it, really badly.

Miscellaneous that is a very perceptive comment about it being hard to treat yourself well after being abused.

Happy, how are you this morning?

Thinking of you.

I, too, hope you're being kind to your self today, Happy, and letting professionals be kind to you as well. xx

Hi,
I have an appointment with my gp tomorrow morning. This morning my boss phoned and they are letting me go. I've been given 4 weeks notice but he said I don't have to work it. I feel a bit too calm I think. But I do need a break. I don't know. Have applied for jobs today. Going to go and buy some bits for the kids and the house, but there's not much I need. I spoke to my sister and she is saying I have to keep baby. I don't know what to do. I know the exact conception date and it's a horrific memory for me. On the other hand I love dd and DS so much, who their father is does not affect that one iota. I just don't know.
I really want a bra, it has become a big deal for me. But I can't get measured, I am covered in scars and bruising and I don't want the looks I know I will get. I could try to measure myself maybe ,
Dd and DS are happy. DS birthday is soon. Spoken to womens aid who have suggested I sign up for the freedom course I think it's called.
I am feeling numb and calm. Might go to see someone tonight. My counsellor has been in touch but I don't think I can afford to go. I spoke to dc childminder properly about what's been happening and she's been lovely.
I haven't been given a date for court but dv officer is v good and she said he is going to be kept in until his court date.
I know this is very rambled. But it helps to write it out. I don't know what's next, but I truly appreciate the support I receive here

Hi Happy,

Firstly, no matter what your sister says, you do not have to continue the pregnancy. You didn't leave your husband only to have someone else to dictate decisions to you! I can understand it must be a very difficult decision to make in either direction, and I'd really recommend maybe seeing if women's aid have any people that you could talk to about it. If you decided to terminate you could always tell your sister that you miscarried. I mean, it's quite frankly none of her sodding business anyway. You owe her NO explanations.

You might be feeling calm about the job because it's a bit of a drop in the ocean compared to what you've already been through and overcome. I'm impressed that you've already been applying for jobs - you are so organised!! Try and keep on good terms with your boss as you'll need him as a reference.

There are perhaps hundreds of people on here, and every single one of them is rooting for you.

Happy, no words for how amazing you are.

Wow, I'm glad they're keeping him in. What a relief, Happy!

I second every word kay just posted :)

Bra: Get a tape measure. Run it tightly round your chest under your boobs - where the band should sit. Make sure it's straight (look sideways on in a mirror) and pulled really snug. Measure your chest in inches. Now for the awkward part - lean forwards, or kneel and bend, until your boobs are hanging straight down towards the floor. Run the measure, straight as you can, and not tight, from the lowest point and round your back. Subtract your band size from your 'dangly' measurement. This is the inch version of your cup size. Then use this chart to find your bra size.

As manufacturers all vary in sizes, the best idea is to order several bras online, in sizes around your newly measured size. Try one band size down & one up, plus bigger & smaller cup sizes with those - you should end up ordering at least six. Send back the ones that don't fit :)

Happy you really must not let your sister dictate your life. I accept that she probably means well, but it is not her decision to make. If you want to keep it, then congratulations. If not, then it's your decision, and you have your very valid reasons. End of discussion.

My local bra shop is run by little old ladies who treat you like a daughter or grandchild - they have seen it all. When I was there last there was a woman who'd had a boob reduction, and I'm sure they've seen scars and bruises before. But again, it's your decision. Follow the link in garlics post and order several.

Don't forget your pregnancy hormones will be raging at the moment too.

Good luck with job-hunting.

Take a guess at your bra size then go up or down from there. I've never been measured in my life, I try bras on for size.

Good luck with everything x

Just agreeing with everyone else.
It seems you have been dictated to your whole life.
You are now coming out of that.
This is YOU. YOUR body and YOUR decision.
Do NOT let anyone else influence that.
NO-ONE. Only YOU get to decide what happens here.

I'm sorry about your job, but as you say, you need some space and time anyway.

I really hope you get that bra sorted out soon.
You could wait a few days until the bruising has gone down.
Or you could let them know that you are extremely shy and could they show you how to measure and then you go off to a changing room on your own to do it.
Then you'll know your size, and they can help you pick out suitable bra's.
I know I wouldn't judge but some people do so I can understand why you don't want to go through that just now.

You are sounding strong. So keep going and remember this is YOUR life and your decision.
Don't be swayed by others.

Definitely do the Freedom Programme as soon as you can.
It will open your eyes to abuse and red flags and help with your confidence and self esteem.

Sounds patronising but we are so proud of what you are doing and how you are coping.
I'm sure your thread is helping many other women on here.
Keep going Happy