This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Happy - I'm very glad that you've phoned the police. They will protect you, honestly they will.

Don't worry too much about EX finding you - it's all a bluff, but if he did, just phone the police. Hopefully two big burly policemen turning up on your side will show you what a shitty lilttle cowardly wife-beating arsehole he really is.

He has lost his control over you - you have your own mind back now, and that will be a huge shock to him. (Good!) I'm sure you will go from strength to strength now.

You're doing incredibly well!! I'm sure you feel utterly wrung out. A little sleep with the kids might be good or, as Kay says, a change of scene to the café. A shower sometimes helps?

When the DV officer speaks to you, things will start to be clearer. I'm just so glad you're safe!

Happy you have done so so well.

Don't doubt yourself for one second - you are a fantastic Mummy and your children will thank you for saving them from this monster

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And bloody well done to you, keep strong
This is where your life starts to get better

Don't give up now you've done the hard part

again, happy, you are doing brilliantly. keep going, brave, strong, capable woman.

Keep doing what you're doing honey. Thinking of you and your dc and hope you got some rest this afternoon.

Morning Happy, hoping you had a good night.

I spoke to him today and he has apologised but I don't know what to do

Happy - you are doing what has to be done so that you can be the real You and your children can be spared the mind control you've been subjected to. I don't think you should speak with him at all. His apology is a lying mind game, a trap set just for you.

Just because he has apologised, it doesn't mean that he is actually sorry or wants to change. He just trying to tell you what he thinks you want to hear so he can carry on controlling you. This man will not change, please don't be reeled back in, you have come so far and are doing brilliantly.
Carry on with your plans for a new free life, one without walking on eggshells and being abused. You and your dc deserve it.

It's really hard, when you wanted an apology, to let one go. But I suggest you wait. See how long he stays sorry for; see whether he comes up with any specific apologies & whether he truly recognises the harm he's done in detail. Don't reply, he'll keep messaging. Just watch his developments, Happy, and keep firming up your support.
Still thinking of you.

Happy, i am still thinking of you. Please dont doubt yourself and wobble. Your dd slept all night for the first time, you did that, she is happy and feels safe with her lovely mum.

You are amazing and you deserve a wonderful life with your dc.

Only collect your things with police present. Tell the dv team everything. You only get one life. Xxx

Happy-to break someone's ribs is serious. And to control someone like he has you is serious.

Please don't think things will change if you go back because it won't. In your heart you know that, you may be hoping it will, or even believing it will, but it won't.

You've done so well, we're all very proud of and rooting for you and your dcs. One step at a time, but don't let him get control over you again.

Morning Happy, you are still in my thoughts, hope you feel ok?x

OK so he's trying 'nice' and has apologised. It won't last. He will not change overnight like that - a violent man needs years of counselling, CBT, experienced help to overcome a violent nature. If you are swayed by it, if you go back, he will think that is all he has to do. Next time he hits you, or breaks a bone, all he has to do is apologise.

Words are cheap. Look at his actions - do you think he can change? Do you think he will suddenly start being a calm, loving person? Do you think you can have a life with this person, and never again feel like you are on tenterhooks, waiting for the temper, the sudden mood-change, the 'because-he-can' punch?

(He's tried 'nice' and I assume 'threats and bullying' - it'll be 'suicide threats' or 'making you out to be mad or a bad mother' next, guaranteed.

It;s no way to live, Happy. And if you've read the 'relationship' boards on here, you will know how much it affects you dc, even if they never see a punch, hear a raised voice. It still affects them - because it affects you. Think about how you (and him) will be raising them, what you (and him) will be teaching them.

And, Sorry i don't mean to scare you, but if SS know that they are in a violent household, they will be keeping a close eye on you and them. (and so they should)

Also (again, not wanting to scare you!) have you seen this thread ?? Worth seeing - in fact, everyone shuld have watched the show.

You know what to do - you are already doing it. Stay away from him, keep your dc safe.

Don't talk to him, it will only weaken your resolve. No-contact, untill you are safe and settled.

I know your probably thinking "what do they know" but there are people on here with a great health of experience.

You speaking to him again as him thinking he is one step closer!!!! Realing you back in.
Done forget you are dealing with somebody who has mentally and physically abused you, he as got away with this for years!

He will promise you the earth!! It's just words, let's face it he's good with them. Shouting at you, bringing you down mentally abusing you.
Somedoby who does that NEVER changes.

If you go back happy, he will try to be nice for a couple of days then he will be himself again.
You will find it harder to leave next time because he will have it so you won't be able to go out on your own, you'll be tied to him.

Please think hard.

I won't go back to him I called him on private because he said he was going to hurt himself, I can't have that on my conscience. He did say sorry but I know it doesn't mean much. I feel sad and I feel a bit angry I want him to know what he's done because he was really trying to play it down etc. I ended up just hanging up when he was shouting. I've got lots of emails.
I spoke to the dv officer and I have her number so I can call her back when or if I want to make a statement.
I had a whole flashback of the most recent attack it was just horrific. The dc are fine today. Dd hasn't actually mentioned him at all.

Please please don't fall for it.
You have been so very brave and done so well.
You are basically 'saving' yourself and your DC from a life of abuse and misery. Do NOT let them go back to that. It's not fair on your DC and it's not right for you.
Can you imagine what sort of punishment you will be in for if you returned? I dread to think. It would be brutal and it would be long and on-going and you know it. It might not be immediate. I'm sure to reel you in he would be nice initially. But you know you will have to pay for what you have done if you do return.

Call Womens Aid again. Update them and tell them you are having a wobble. They can help get you through it.

Think of your new free life away from the controlling, bullying abuse.
Think about having all your own money (and some of his of course, he has to pay for his own children). Buying your own clothes. Choices that YOU get to make all on your own.
Choices for your children that you know are right.
It's an old 80's saying but 'CHOOSE LIFE'
You get one shot and so do your children.
Do not waste another minute of it with this nasty vile bully.
He will find another victim soon enough.
Make sure you report all of his abuse. Hopefully they already have some of it on file due to your injuries.

Don't be swayed by his words. They are meaningless and you know it.
You are sooo doing the right thing - keep going!

Sorry - x-post with you.
His suicide would not be your fault.
Anyway, he is far far to self centred and selfish to do that.
No way would he be so considerate (sorry if that's a bit off for anyone)
If he threatens it again, just call the police. They will soon give him hell for wasting their time.

So the script is happening just as many on here have predicted.
So glad to see you won't be going back.
Keep that resolve and keep the anger. It will help get you through.

You should make a statement as well. It will be incredibly hard. I honestly can't imagine. But you need to get all the DV on record.
That way you will be entitled to legal aid and you can get yourself properly out of this and away from him. Divorced etc.. without having to find the money yourself.

Well done for calling the police. Remember nothing he does, even hurting himself (highly unlikely!) should be on your conscience. You have not caused him to be violent and abusive nor can you cure him of it. His spell is gradually wearing off but it hasn't all gone yet - you are remembering horrific assaults but only feeling 'a bit' angry.

Glad the dc are doing well today. Stay strong.

He said sorry and was then shouting at you a few minutes/ seconds later . That's not sorry at all.

Nothing he does is in your conscience. IF he tried anything, it would only be to manipulate you.

You sound much more together, happlyland. So sorry you have been through what you have but so happy you have left it behind for good and so relieved you are in touch with the police.

You are getting stronger by the minute. So happy for you.

That man has no hold on you. Let him hurt himslf. Let his morher deal with it, do not on any circumstances take him on. Leave. Clean break.

If you let his suicide threats or attempts make you go back to him, he will have a hold on you again. He is giving you a prison sentence. If I sound bitter, it is because I know someone who got caught like this and was then looking after hwr boyfriend for over a decade.

Tell him to call his mother, he needs to grow up. (Putting it politely).

Ah - so he's moved on to 'suicide threats' has he? Predictable. Well, it'll be angry and violent threats again soon, as that is all he knows. Next he'll threaten to 'take the children' as you are an 'unfit mother' (yeah, like the courts will just go 'oh that's a good idea, ok then' to a violent bullying thug, and hand over the kids! Ha!)

Unless it's too early for the 'life-threatening illness'?? Might be a touch early - he'll bring that up in a month or so -as in ; the doc has said it's 'stress caused by you leaving' etc etc.

I'm so glad yu can see it for what it is, Happy. You know you are better off without him in your life/lives. He will NEVER understand what he has done - in his mind he is perfectly entitled to do what he likes to you. Bastard. Well done for hanging up on his shouting !! A bit more of that, please!

Did you go to work today?