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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

This is not right but I don't know how to change it

965 replies

HappyLandSpaceMan · 20/06/2014 14:25

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

OP posts:
fusspot66 · 24/06/2014 14:00

Call the police on 999. It is a criminal offence to threaten someone. Or dial 101 to ask to speak to the DV team/officer. Tell hotel reception you are not wanting to admit visitors.
He is probably not on his way though.
Sending hugs and strength to you and the little one

whitsernam · 24/06/2014 14:01

If he shows up anywhere near you, please call police. In fact, call them now, so they know ahead of time what is happening and what he is threatening. And talk to hotel staff; let them know they are not to let anyone at all know even if you're there... and certainly not which room.

Do be careful. Men like this typically will alternate between nice and nasty; don't give in to his "nice" act. It will be just an act. If you go with him now, he will be worse than ever!!

Please stay strong. Your children need you to be there for them.

hellsbellsmelons · 24/06/2014 14:05

You CAN do it!
You've already done it.
Call the police right now and give them the heads up.
Phone down to reception and tell them not to tell anyone which room you are in.
You have come so far. Do NOT give in to his abusive bullying now.
Your children deserve so much better and so do you.
Call Womens Aid and tell them what is happening.
The police are there to help you. Use them.

teaandthorazine · 24/06/2014 14:05

Ok, deep breaths. Are you still in the hotel? You need to tell them that they are not to let anyone up to your room or even disclose that you are there, have you done that? They have an obligation to keep their guests' confidentiality.

He is probably bluffing, trying to scare you. How would he know where you are?

DollyTwat · 24/06/2014 14:09

Happy do you have an iPhone?
Do you have Find my Phone on it?

If you don't know turn your phone off

Tonicandgin · 24/06/2014 14:40

Been thinking about how you're getting on and so proud you're still at the hotel and still safe with your ds. Thanks

As others have said, he's likely to be talking rubbish and not be on his way. But definitely check the iPhone thing. There are other tracking devices on other phones too, but I'm not an expert. Having said that if you've changed phones I can't see how he could possibly know where you are (he obvs can't install them without having your phone). He's saying it to control and scare you, because he's lost his control of the situation.

To be safe, notify the hotel, don't let anyone in your room and call the police if you need to.

Keep posting, and hope your ds feels better soon

LumpySpacedPrincess · 24/06/2014 14:47

Involve the police sweetheart. He is just one man. He may seem like a giant in your world but he is one pretty disgusting individual.

cjelh · 24/06/2014 14:54

just checking in to say I'm still thinking of youxx

foadmn · 24/06/2014 14:56

you can do it and if he's on his way phone the police.
even if he's bluffing, the police need to know that he's threatening you.
you are doing well. keep going. one more step, and another...

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 24/06/2014 15:06

Call the police and have them pick him up. Even if he has not left the flat and it is an empty flat he has gone too far. Show the police this thread to help you explain what is happening.
They need to know about him hitting you, breaking your ribs, controlling when you go out of the flat and who you see, rapes, all the threats he has sent you since you left, his anger that you left and him wanting you to go back against your will. It is all against the law. You just need to use words and he cannot reach you.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 24/06/2014 15:08

*even if he has not left the flat and it is an empty threat (not flat).

captainmummy · 24/06/2014 15:08

So does he think that he can storm into the hotel, grab the dc, beat you up and throw you all in the car - without someone noticing, stepping in, phoning the police?

Happy - he is NOT king of the world, he is just a little crappy bully, full of bullshit and a woman beater. That is the OPPOSITE of a big man!

PHONE THE POLICE. CONTACT THE DV HOTLINE, GET ADVICE FROM THE PROFESSIONALS. PHONE WA. THAT IS WHAT THEY ARE THERE FOR!

Sorry to shout, but you don't seem to be contacting the people you should be getting advice from! He CANNOT hurt you , if you let the professionals do their JOB!

He cannot force you to do anything, let alone go back 'home' with him, even if he does know where you are. Which he probably doesnt.

GarlicJuneBlooms · 24/06/2014 15:14

To be fair, posters have advised Happy to turn off her phone. If she has done, it's unlikely she has internet access.

I'm very much hoping you're still at the hotel, Happy, the cops & WA are helping you, and DD's playing cheerfully in the sunshine. Wishing you the very best Flowers

HappyLandSpaceMan · 24/06/2014 15:20

Have called police and logged it with them, I changed my SIM card but I don't have an iPhone , I am scared

OP posts:
HappyLandSpaceMan · 24/06/2014 15:22

I do have an iPad though I am posting from it is it the same thing

OP posts:
LumpySpacedPrincess · 24/06/2014 15:22

What did the police advise? Have you told them you are holed up in a hotel room?

HappyLandSpaceMan · 24/06/2014 15:25

They have put calls from my number on high priority and a dv officer is going to call me

OP posts:
HappyLandSpaceMan · 24/06/2014 15:26

I feel so tired now I don't want to do it any more
Dc are sleeping but maybe I could go for a drive with them or something

OP posts:
YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 24/06/2014 15:26

Well done, happy! That must have been hard, but he has no rights over you. The police are there to defend the law and he has broken it.

Don't talk to him or reply to any of his messages at all, ever.

YeGodsAndLittleFishes · 24/06/2014 15:27

Could you have a bit of a nap as well if your DCs are asleep? A nice siesta. :)

teaandthorazine · 24/06/2014 15:28

Well done for calling police. I'm sure he is bluffing you - as others have said, he's lost control of you and now he's trying to scare you because of it - but letting the police know is the right thing to do. You are doing the right things for you and your dcs.

I know you don't want to say why you're not going to the refuge and that's fine, but are you still in touch with WA?

The other posters are right. He is just a man. No superpowers. No ability to make you do things or go places you don't want to. He can't take you away or take the kids or force you to go back, or even ever see you again if you don't want him to. I know he's led you to believe he's all-powerful, but he's not. Keep strong.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 24/06/2014 15:34

Well done you've come so far already. He'll be shocked when he realises you're getting outside help.

I stepped in when a friend and her family were being controlled by her alcoholic exdh. Once SS and police were involved she became much stronger. They gave her a panic button. I told her it was me who reported him and she thanked me. Her family are free now and living a real life. That was years ago. None of them see him and he's still the same.

kaykayblue · 24/06/2014 15:37

Happy - Every time you write an update you surprise me by making me feel somehow prouder of you than I already was.

You did absolutely the right thing in calling the police. Do you still have your old sim card? If you do, you should definitely give it to them as evidence. All those texts he was sending you? Boy are they going to come back to bite him in the arse. Show them the e-mails and the messages - they will realise that this is perhaps even more serious than they thought.

Have you rang downstairs to tell them not to give out your room details to anybody? Please do that now if you haven't. It's better to be safe than sorry.

I really wish that you could see yourself through my eyes, so you could realise how impressive you are.

The dreams and nightmares - it sounds like it could be touching on post traumatic stress. That is absolutely normal in your circumstances. You have been through hell - you will probably need a professional to help you work through those feelings. It isn't worth trying to ignore them for a long time, as your brain needs to come to terms with what happened to you whilst you were abused. If there is any silver lining to it, these things normally start happening when the brain registers that it is safe to start processing. So parts of you have accepted that you are safe now, even if it doesn't feel like it just yet.

It's okay not to want to go to the refuge just yet, and of course you don't have to give us your reasons. But do please bear it in mind. They will be able to provide you protection until the police have done their work. At some point you should consider getting a restraining order put on him - maybe you could raise it when you speak with the police. That way, if, IF, he ever approaches you again he will be in deep deep shit.

You talking about your child sleeping through the night was beautiful.

kaykayblue · 24/06/2014 15:43

Happy - if you are feeling very tired, then I wouldn't recommend driving with the children just now. Maybe wait until you have spoken to the police - you want to make sure you are available when they ring you back.

Does the hotel have a little communal area like a cafe room or something? Perhaps you could sit down there for a short time for a change of scenary, but take your phone with you.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 24/06/2014 15:46

Ok love. Turn off location services on your ipad via settings.

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