This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Morning HappyLand. Hope you are able to talk to WA some more about your plans today and get some help.

Morning happy. You are an incredible woman and mother. You have taken a huge step already. You've acknowledged what he's doing and left. One step at a time. You know the next step andit's taking a, little while to get there but that's ok. You will. Please let the stories people have shared stop you going back...he's so dangerous sweet heart. You feel you can't function without him, but that is a temporary feeling, not true. The truth is you can't function with him, he will break you and your kids.

DirtyPaws that's heartbreaking.

Hope you are okay happy. Please seek real life support. Keep strong.

Hi HappyLand - I hope that you don't feel harassed with all our comments, but we are all hoping that you're okay.

Maybe it would help if you thought about your partner like a drug (heroin or something). You don't need it, it's dangerous, it ruins your life and the life of your family, it can kill you anytime, but it's still incredibly difficult to stop using it. You feel like you need it else you will die, but really it's just withdrawal.

It's the same for your husband. He has worked his poison into you, and now you are going through the process of withdrawal.

We can help you with any admin questions that you have, but you are already free!

I really do hope that you reconsider women's aid's help at the refuge (if it was you who decided not to go - I understand the problem might have been on their end). They are the experts at knowing how best to get women back on their feet!

Morning HAPPY. I'm thinking about you this morning and hoping you and dcs are ok?

Hi thank you all for your messages of support. I can't go to the refuge for a couple of reasons, which I don't feel safe saying on here, but I am looking for flats today, and am going to call my landlord today. Ex has been sending me emails all night.
I am expecting a call from someone from womens aid today to discuss what other support they can provide.
I feel a lot stronger thinking about the fact that I am doing this for my children, and I want them to have a better life than I ever could have given them when I was with him. DD slept through last night for the first time ever.
I do miss him, even though I hate him and what he did to me. I have been having such bad nightmares of rape and him beating me up. But at least it's just a nightmare now,
I am exhausted and not very well mentally at the moment so I am sorry if I have missed questions, but thank you all so much for your support

You will miss him darling as he's been so controlling. You've been like a puppet and him the master. Be kind to yourself. It's good you've got out.

Your children really need you. No one is as good as a real mum. Take it slowly and accept lots of help.

So glad to see your update.
You will get stronger and stronger as each day goes by and you find you can do all the things you thought you couldn't do.
You have been so brave for your DC and you will be giving them a better future.
Your MH will improve as your strength does.
Keep going and keep strong.
Well done!

Well done, Happy.

It is one day at a time, but I can already note that you are feeling more in control.

Your children are fortunate to have such as brave mother.

Oh, thank goodness, Happy You've decided to choose safety. DD slept through for the very first time!!! It tells you everything, doesn't it. Look what you did for her :)

What kay said about addiction is spot-on. This is literally true: the cycle of abuse has the same effect on your brain chemistry as drug addiction. As you know, it's very much better to break the cycle and get onto an even keel although the addiction will keep trying to pull you back. As long as you accept wise support, his influence will weaken very quickly. I'm so pleased Women's Aid are continuing to help you!

Stick with it, lovely :) And eat!

I agree you already sound a lot more in control just a couple of days of being without him. Imagine a couple of weeks, a couple of months. You are so incredible. That's great about dd sleeping and also that you noticed it and are not blocking out the good things, that tells me your mental health is better than you think. I'm sure WA will give you great advice and there are plenty on here who can help too.

That is amazing about your dd, isn't it? Just fantastic

You are bloody brilliant. Each day you are away from him, his hold on you will lessen. It takes time but you will get there, and you and your kids will be free.

Keep posting, whenever you need to.

You are doing so well HappyLand. You sound well. The nightmares and the experienves of not feeling mentally well are a sign that you are mentally well and your brain and body are on the road to recovery and healing. You are beginning to accept that he tormented you, abused you and controlled you and you can live and work as a free woman, without him or anyone else harming you. You sound as if you have got some self confidence back, which is good. Keep telling yourself good and positive things, as you are doing.

Yeh Happy!

I think the poster who said to compare him to a drug was spot on. That really helps when you waver as you can accept that you will want him but you know that endangers you and your children.

My landlord said I can just pay notice and he will give ex notice to leave, ll is being helpful he said if I want my stuff he will let me know once ex is out.
I have arranged 3 viewings of flats near to work
DS is sick and I feel very isolated I am looking fotward to being at work again soon

This doesn't feel real I am scared that when it does I won't be able to do it anymore

It is real. What isn't real is the control he had over you. It was smoke and mirrors, and that is why he is so angry, because you have broken his spell.

That is great news about the flat, hope you can find a good one to move into. Try not to rush the decision, but equally, nowhere is going to be completely perfect. Good enough is good enough for you to be happy. :)

You are doing so well. Just keep going. By the time it feels 'real' your new life will be established. Well done. Well done. Its really hard but you're doing it.

What's he saying in the emails? I bet it swings from threatening (you'd better tell me where you are or else ) to nice (I won't hit you any more babes, honest) to promises (I'll get anger management, babes, honest) to threats about the dc (I'll have you put away and get custody of the dc) to pathetic (I miss you, come home) to more anger and threats and probably suicide threats at some stage... stay strong; there is a script they all follow, and you just have to let it wash over you.

Well done for arranging your own flat - you are strong and incredibly capable!

Be careful at work, in case EX finds you there. Make sure he knows that you will phone the police if he so much as raises an eyebrow at you.

And do be sure to let the schools/childminder know that they are not to let dc go with anyone other than you!

Make sure when you work hat you let your childminder know you have left. Does he know where the kids are when you are at work?

You are doing so well getting away from this poisonous man.

Happy, I am so, so pleased that you've stayed away. You had only just left when I last managed to check the thread and I was so worried for. You are absolutely doing the right thing. It must be very hard but it's definitely for the best.

I dread to think what would have happened if you stayed with him.

Just think, in a years time, when everything is settled, you can look back and see how bad you life was and how much it has improved. In a year you and your children will be doing great. If you stayed with him I think in a year you'd probably be dead. And that's only from the small amount of information you've given. I'm sure if we knew the full extent we'd all be horrified. Horrified at his behaviour, not yours. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

Happy - you may not have noticed it but your sentences are actually making you sound more in control now, they are the writings of someone in charge not someone who is panicky like last week.

So even if you don't know it -you are perhaps more mentally well than you think.

Another great few steps happy.

DD slept through - says it all she is safer and content because her mum is, because you are away from him.

I hope your DS picks up soon.

Looking forward to going back to work - that will help you with routine.

Happy, well done, you sound so much stronger.

Just a thought.

Take all your own money from the joint account and don't let any more go into it.

He said he knows where we are and he's on his way
I can't do it I am too scared