This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

Morning HAPPY. I am wishing you a safe day, whatever it brings I hope you can laugh and enjoy some part of it.

happy, thinking of you this morning. keep strong, keep safe.

You have done a wonderful thing for your children - they can grow up in a home without fear. Stay strong - people will be there to support you.

Well done happy. You are amazing. Hope you are at the refuge. Xxx

Hi HappyLand - how are you doing today?

I know it's easier said than done, but I used to suffer from panic attacks, and your description of not feeling like you can breathe - that sounds like a panic attack.

It's okay. If you can try and think of it along the lines of "I am safe and have nothing to be afraid of right now" then it might help.

You are 100% safer in that hotel or in the refuge, than you are with your partner. A panic attack can make you feel weak and terrified and useless, but it can't break your ribs.

Can you please let us know when you have heard back from women's aid? Let us know if you need any more support.

You are so much stronger than you think you are. We can all see it here, so please believe us.

Morning happyland. I am thinking of you a lot today and I prayed for you. You are not alone.

We are still in the hotel I can't go to the refuge , I don't know what to do about my flat. I want to rent somewhere else but I can't afford both places ?

Happy, have you called womens aid and asked their advice. Or maybe you mh team?

You are doing great. You will keep wobbling, but the future for you and your dc will be so much better without him.

Please contact womens aid. Xxx

This is too overwhelming I'm not brave or strong or enough for my beautiful children I am just a failure I should never have let him control me to the extent he did , I can't be without him now and it's my fault

Hi Happyland - can you explain what happened about the refuge? Is there a problem with them getting you in? Do you just not want to go?

If it's the former, can you let us know what the problem is and we might have some ideas. If it's the second, then can you let us know your reasons? It is honestly the best place for you right now. They will be able to give you not just the physical things like a roof, but emotional support and counselling, which all women need when they have left an abusive home.

You are under no obligation to keep paying for the other flat. You just need to contact the letting agency and tell them that you have split from your partner and want to terminate the contract. They might need a few weeks notice, so you will need to pay for that amount of time but no more.

It doesn't matter if you are renting in both your names - one person is enough to terminate the flat.

It is best to do it by e-mail.

Holding your hand over the internet, Happy.
Can you ring women's aid again?

You can terminate your lease on the flat. There are special rules for DA victims. Women's Aid will know all about it.

Have you eaten anything?

Are there no places at the refuge or is there another reason? There would be lots of help for you there including other women who will understand what youve been through.

If you goto refuge they wil help yu sort things like that out. Emergency housing until you can get out of your other tenancy and find somewhere new. They will help you to find furiture and things to -schools etc.

Have think, breath slow and quiet.

You are doing well.

You can be without him thats part of the control and abuse you have been subjected to. Abusers make you think things that are simpy not true.

Lots have told you and others on here the same. This is not you it is what he has done to you , trained your thinking.

How could you work and drive and look after kids if you were really no good and couldnt manage - they are big things. You need time and RL support.

Right. None of this is your fault. None of it. You were unlucky enough to fall in with a man who turned out to be very, very bad. It has happened to many of us. It is not your fault.

There is no such thing as a woman who is incapable of managing without a man. No such thing at all. This is his nasty bullshit designed to keep you where he wants you.

Yes, it's scary. Yes, it seems overwhelming. But you have already done the most difficult bit.

Please, please let WA help you. They will have heard many women before you say the things you're saying, they will know how to help. Sadly, you are not the first, nor will you be the last. There is nothing you can say or feel that they won't understand and know how to deal with.

One day, this will be a memory. You and your kids will be safe and happy and living the lives you were supposed to live. I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, but you must keep going.

Just sending support happy. I rarely post but decided I needed to make an exception.
I think you've done an amazing thing getting your children away from that man - if you can call him that. You're the same age as me and I can't imagine having the strength to do that feeling so hopeless. Please believe what everybody is saying to you - you and your children will be so much happier away from him. You are worth so much more than what you think, you say he cheats on you and doesn't even try to hide it?! You need to seperate yourself and your children from that life, you can be happy! You really really can. Let them find you a refuge and let them help you.

Hi happy

It's normal to be scared! Especially when we do something different.
Look what you managed booking into a hotel, and you did that on your own and managed to stay there. Now that would scare me! And you did it.

Regards WA, they are fantastic helping women and children. As said what exactly is it your scared of with them? Going there? The people? What?
It's all people just like yourself with children, you don't have to do anything your not happy doing. They are all loving caring people, and will help you through this, have you not spoke to them since?

You can't stay in the hotel, it will cost you to much.

Regarding your flat, have you got your tenancy agreement with you, it might say on there how much notice you need to give. WA will help you with all of that, perhaps even speak to the landlord on your behalf.
At the most with only 3mths left on the flat, I'd expect the most you'd pay is 1mths rent, did you put a deposit down perhaps that will pay it?

Your MH team will also help you, I know you said you havnt seen your councillor for a while but they havnt discharged you?

Everybody on this forum is willing to give you there time and help with anything!!! Just ask?????????
There must be lots of things going on in your head, but small little steps one at a time. We will help you through this.
X

Please talk to WA about the flat. Also, please ask WA about your job and whether your job (and cm) has to give you compassionate leave so that you can go to the refuge (I am guessing that might be why...as they will offer a refuge away from him so he can't get to you.) Or perhaps you just have to find a new job in a new area...again, talk to WA as we don't want you to put too much info about yourself on here.

Happy, of course you won't need to keep paying the rent on your previous flat. You will not be living there! If HE wants to keep living there, while you move far far away, that is up to him-and he will have to pay the rent (or claim the housing benefit, but I'm sure as he's SOOOOO CAPABLE that he'll manage to do that!
Please get back in touch with Wa, they will help you through this. You don't have to do it all along!
You are doing so well!

Deep breath, one foot in front of the other.
You can do this.
Just take it one step at a time...
Or as they say in finding nemo, just keep swimming, keep swimming.

The flat can be sorted.
The rent can be sorted.
A safe place can be sorted.

The only thing that cannot be fixed is him.

Let us help you. Tell us what is stopping you from getting to the refuge and we can unpick it one piece at a time.

Hope you have managed to get to the refuge..the help sorting out rent on the flat . It is better than going back..These are little problems..you have been conditioned to believe aren't resolvable.

They are you are not the first or last in this position

OP you are very very brave and strong. What a great example you are to your dd- a brilliant mum who is doing something really scary to protect her babies and herself.
You will be ok. Sometime soon you'll be coming on to this forum to give support to other women struggling to leave abusive partners. You'll be telling then how you felt like you couldn't do it but you did and you built a wonderful and happy life because you were so much stronger than you thought! Please just keep going.

Op - my dad broke my mums ribs because I'd wet myself under the kitchen table aged 3. At the time mum was holding my baby brother. I was daddy's girl and adored my dad. He fucked my life up, I wish my mum had left him there and then. Its taken me years to get to the point where I realise he's a bully and he's not going to change, I'm 45. Please don't inflict this on your dc. They need their mummy to step up. Sorry if this is a bit blunt. You sound way more brave than my mum. And btw I love her! Xx

You can do this happy, you are so close to freedom. As the pp has said it can sorted.
I'm ten years post escape and I promise you everything can be sorted. Deep breaths and jump, let WA guide you.
Close your eyes and picture you and your kids playing, free to wear and do what you want no egg shells just laughter and giggling in your safe warm happy home

Wishing you all the luck and strength in the world. You are doing amazingly, your dc will be so proud of you when they are older and they realise.

Lots of us holding your hand and offering virtual hugs. Please don't feel alone. You seem pretty good at asking for help. Keep going darling. We'll help you when you need it.

How are you this morning HappyLand?