This is not right but I don't know how to change it

[HappyLandSpaceMan]

I have been in my current relationship for 6 years now. We have 2 dc.
He is not making me happy and his behaviour isn't right towards me. I do know that much. I don't want to be with him but I have no idea how to leave him. I need him to function, or that's how it feels anyway. I don't know how to make it all better.

It will get easier tomorrow when you are in the refuge there will be support.

I have been in a refuge. When we left Dc was under 1. I wanted Ex to be like he was when he was nice. He never did become the man he should of been.

I am happier and saw an amazing difference in my DC's behaviour once we relaxed even at that age.

You have really done the hardest part well done .

happy, please sit tight, my love. You have made an amazing, brave decision, it's so scary, I know, but you have done ABSOLUTELY the right thing.

If you go back, you are putting yourself - and your babies - in serious danger. This is a controlling, angry, abusive man, who has already broken your bones (and I bet that wasn't the first time something like that happened, was it?) If you go back, all you will do is give him a 'reason', so he will believe, to inflict even more damage on you. He won't be opening you with open arms, will he? He won't want to sit down and have a grown-up conversation about how you feel, will he? He will just teach you a bloody good lesson for stepping out of line, with his fists, won't he? You will be risking your life.

He does not own you. He has no right at all to tell you what to do, or how to behave, or what to wear. Real mean, good men, men who deserve your love, would never, ever do stuff like this. He is not normal.

Honestly, every one of us can well believe that you are terrified of what lies ahead. Everyone who has been in your situation has felt the same, I promise. You just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other. Please believe me when I say that your dcs will not thank you for going back to him. You say they'd be better off without you - I'm telling you categorically that they wouldn't. Don't do this to them.

Well done op, what a brave move to get out. For the moments when you feel like you don't have the strength to go on, I'd just like to tell you a bit about my childhood.

My father was an abusive alcoholic. I would often see him beat my mum til she was unconscious. I remember it very much from about your dds age. My mum never left my dad, I think the probably slid into depression and she became very neglectful (don't mean to make that sound so sexist, but didnt do housework, pretty lazy, I did a lot of parenting of my younger brother and sister). I and my siblings had a terrible childhood, and the effects of it continue 40 years later. We are rife with mental health problems, not one of us works, my sister is a stripper and an alcoholic. Our lives are a shambles because my parents stayed together.

You've made the right step for your children, whenever you think that you can't do it on your own and being with him would be easier, remember that you are not just doing this for them, but you are doing It for your dcs.

When I left the family home,mi was so glad to have 'escaped'. However, the thing you don't realise is that the way you were brought up hits home again when you have your own children. I've found parenting myself very difficult, and it's been very hard to come to terms with how my parents could have exposed us to all that violence and abuse from such a tiny age.

Wishing you continued strength and courage, op xx

I am so proud of you.xxx
I noticed you said that you are under a mental health team, have they given you an out of hours crisis line number? How about giving them a call and getting help.

In 2008 I took a near fatal overdose and was in ICU for a month. My son was 13 at the time. He was devastated and said that he would rather have my craziness (BPD) than not have me around. Please remember that and when your DD is older she will see what strong a person you are for leaving with them. You are their mummy.xxx

A very moving post imip

happy, I hope you are having a good night. I think you are very brave and are a great mum. Just like taking medicine, sometimes kids don't like doing the thing that's best for them, but you are doing absolutely the best thing for them and for you!

My breathing is too quick I cnt remember what to do I feel sick

Are you on any medication and have you had it?

I have my inhaler I took my anti depressants but I can't remember the other medicine

Just sit quietly and remember your breathing techniques. "Breathe in for a cont of 7, out for a count of 11. Three times, try and be peaceful. for while, then do it again.

'count' of 7, of course.

Ok thank you x

Happy, you are so strong. Of course dd misses daddy, but honestly, even if he never hits her, ever, he is still damaging her.
If she still cries, tell her she will see daddy, soon, but you are first going away on holiday, like an adventure, without daddy . she will see him, soon (once you have solicitors advice, access arrangements, and this will all be done by way. You won't need to see him at all, and I think that it would be surprising if he was allowed even supervised access. Thug.)
But you are doing the right thing

Done by WA. I mean !

HAPPY. I hope you can get your breath ok now? Remember that anxiety and panic are only feelings of an over tired body and mind, that as you have time to learn to reclaim your relaxation the frightening feelings will get less.Your anxiety will not harm you. If you let go ofthe fear of the scary feelings (eg heart beating fast or over breathing) you will not have them so much.I've heard it is strong people, not weak who suffer these feeling because they struggle through so much before wobbling.
dd will be sad because shes unsettled not because she hasn't got her dad. she will be a much happier dd if she doesn't have to live with you under threat all the time. He doesn't know where you are. you are safe.
tuck in and get some well deserved rest.xx

Happy I hope you are getting some rest.

Wishing you well. And just go easy on yourself you have been through a lot and it takes time

Call 101 and let the police now your situation if you have not already done so. Even threatening to find you is against the law.

Dd is quite possibly crying out of fear or her dad. It happened before to another poster her dd cried for days it turned out she was scared of the consequences of his anger iyswim.
After a few days in the refuge she transformed into a far more relaxed happy child than she ever had been.

In short, she finally became herself. And so will you. Given time you will be able to be who you are. Brave, strong, wonderful in your own right, just yourself made by you and not by someone else.

Hold tight. You can do it.

Know not now. Let the police know your situation.

Happyland. I love your name. Whatever you do, don't go back. It is for the protection of yourself AND your kids that you are leaving. My friends' aunty was recently stabbed to death, along with her 2 year old - by her long-term partner. I don't know what triggered such a reaction, but he murdered them both - and left 2 other kids who need to spend the rest of their lives with the grief that their mother and sibling were taken from them and brutally murdered by their own father.

You have done so much and come so far - it's amazing. He can't find you, and women's aid will protect you from tomorrow. You sound like an amazing person. You are still so young and have an incredible future, even if it doesn't feel like it. Just keep going. It will be so worth it, and you are going to feel incredibly proud of yourself one day.

Just another from me, Happy. I'm so proud of you, and feeling your uncertainty as well. It will be okay. You and DC are going to be looked after until you're confident and everything's been dealt with. You will have expert advice. You won't have to pay for it, it's yours because you deserve it.

I hope you've managed to get some sleep.

Sorry, I forgot the most important thing ... What you've done this weekend is the most wonderful thing for your children. Truly, you've just improved their lives and their futures by a thousand times. You're already a far better mother than you think!

Once you're safe, you wont believe how quickly DD will gain confidence. You will see her happiness growing by the day. That's worthwhile, isn't it?

Well done, Happy, if not for yourself, you are doing this for your children. If they were sick and had to have an injection that they didn't want, you would still let the nurse give it to them, even if they were crying because it was for their own good.

Now you are leading them to safety.

Morning Happy, how are you doing? You need to seek out some real life support, call womens aid and see what they can do for you.

Morning happy,
How are you today?

Hope you got some sleep Happy and will get to the refuge today.

Good luck today Happy. I'll be thinking of you.

Cjel is right - you can relax; once you are in the refuge, WA will look after you, will help with forms and money and what-to-do-next. Hope dd is better today, and it really is likely that she is worried about Ex reaction too. She will have picked up on your anxiety and pain - every day. She will also need reassurance that he will not find you, but she will see him, at some stage, in safety. Kids can still love daddy, and still be frightened of him ; it's one of the damaging things about an abusive home, they don't know what is the right 'feeling' to have IYSWIM.