Week from hell. I think DH has lost the plot.

[Fideliney]

He seems to be saying today that he would rather divorce than curb his hoard, but he's flip-flopping a lot.

Any hoarding widows about who can help me decode this escalating mess?

The background is a shit year of ill health and various stresses. The hoarding has been spiralling. Exhausted and at a bit of a loss

And he cooked, cleaned and chauffered for my DC for a whole year. Did lots of things. Nobody knew what was wrong with me for months. Poor sod.

...And he cooked, cleaned and chauffered for my DC for a whole year. Did lots of things. Nobody knew what was wrong with me for months. Poor sod....

And there's the 'obligation'. It's really not a good weight on the scale.

I'll have to think about that Faire. It's not how it feels at all.

cozie very tempting. I don't want to be kneejerk.

In your discussions with him, Fideliney, have you suggested him seeing a doctor as part of a solution? Has he refused outright, or would he consider it to help save your marriage? Although since you've already said he'd rather fall on his sword and live in a camper van than lose his hoard, I think that's probably already been answered :(

Another thought - IS there a Hoarders Anonymous?

I sort of agree and disagree with fairenuff, only because I think he probably does care what you think and does want to make you happy. You can be a lovely, caring, sensitive person and still be utterly selfish in the grip of this sort of illness. It's the same as when an alcoholic wants to stop (or any other such addiction). You have to want to change for your partner and your children - for yourself, too - more than you want your security blanket/numbing tool/crutch/whatever. Addiction is selfish because its rooted in a misguided compulsion to self-preservation. Yes it may have become warped and damaging, but at its core it's about wanting to protect yourself.

Very sad.

now the magazines are sorted and at the top of the filing cabinet - allegedly valuable - can you get him to put them on ebay or something? if they're valuable great there'll be gone and he'll have made some money. if they are in fact worth fuck all it might confront him with reality slightly?

More pragmatically cosie the stress might have really exarcebated his urge and it may recede again now. I am only recently diagnosed still.

Thumb I have only ever suggested GP to explore the idea he is depressed. Not directly related to the hoard exactly. He was very resistant. I am trying decide what to do with the new information re private GP/ specialist - whether to do my own research - whether to raise the possibility or wait and see if he does etc

(it would be good if you could get into a filing cabinet as 'outbox' scenario - re: the magazines have made it that far now have to move on and likewise for anything that goes from a box to the cabinet in future and nothing new coming in? the filing cabinet could be like the portal so he has touched it all, seen it all, evaluated it all and can assess if it's for selling, binning or donating?)

No Badger - work paperwork went into filing cabinet, the vintage magazine collection is apparently at the dump

Thumbwitch / Holker

I think hoarding and show house minimalism might be rooted in a similar cause, both are extreme forms of controlling the environment around you. Is hoarding an OCD?

......the stress might have really exarcebated his urge and it may recede again now......

Oh I very much doubt it. He has a skewed relationship with 'stuff'. That doesn't usually come and go again. What comes and goes is the opportunity to indulge and/or the opportunity to rationalize the behaviour so that the person feels good about their actions. (Just my experience and I would be happy to be proved wrong.)

unreal - I think so, isn't it?

I know of someone (SIL of a friend) who has that compulsive writing thing going on (can't remember the name) - she has specific words she uses for each person/situation - and she has to keep every single piece of paper that she writes obsessively on. There are many filing cabinets stuffed full of this paper in their house.

thing is i don't think you should be saying thank you for him comandeering YOUR filing cabinet for his work paperwork. that suggests a permanent resting place (sorry i misunderstood what had gone in there).

it's actually pretty outrageous that he looks pleased with himself for taking over yet more of your space.

......the stress might have really exarcebated his urge and it may recede again now......

I think that could be true. Mental health goes up and down. But the hoarding won't cure itself.

It may be linked to OCD in some cases and Fideliney's husband actually sounds atypical in that he seems to manage to keep it fairly well organised and not a complete tip of rubbish. So there might be shades of OCD as well.

But I think current thinking is that hoarding should no longer be classified as OCD as it seems to need a different approach of treatment. I think it's much more about trauma of loss and misguided self-preservation.

I've just had a great idea. Hoarder camp. Combine removal service with therapy and they take their stuff with them. Therapy is paid for through sale of the hoard. They don't go home until their issue is sorted but they can stay living with their hoard in the camp as long as they like.

Kind of like your DHs camper van idea but with therapy.

It sounds like he uses that catastrophic scenario as a way of shutting down any attempt on your part to have a conversation about the problem and he can't be allowed to do that - I couldn't agree more!

He knows you very well and is able to hurt you with his knowledge.
He wants you to feel scared and palys on your emotions.

Could you perhaps rent one room (or even two as both your studies are unusable now!) and see that as replacement income for when he is gone? Lots of people in London look for Mon-Fri/Thursday accommodation.

If he prefers to live in a camper van so be it. It isn't going to get better!
My ex is a mini-hoarder so I know what manipulative techniques he was always able to use against me. Emotional blackmailing from the person who wouldn't hurt a fly at it's best (it sounds like your DH mastered it too!).

Holger - Recent thinking is that OCD is often present as well as hoarding, but they are separate. According to the DSM-V (this is the diagnostic manual for mental disorders) hoarding disorder is now considered a separate disorder to OCD.

Sorry, I think that's what you were saying - but they are now officially separate.

Not sure where you are but you can let out a room in London for around £150 a week in zone 3. People seem to be looking for family homes too. Would that help?

Majestic, that makes a lot of sense. It's good to hear it's been reclassified. I've had an interest for a long time and if I had pursued a career in the field it would have been my specialism.

How about you write him a letter stating he MUST seek medical attention for his hoarding. Attach a sheet of information on hoarding which declares that it is a serious health issue. Write at the top of the sheet. THIS IS YOU

No work related issues are going to he affected by his hoarding problems and not medical insurance either.

He is making an EXCUSE. To himself and to you.

Let him have this one chance. But only this last chance. Don't listen to anymore of his stories as to why he needs his stuff. What he needs is a dose of help. Nothing more nothing less.

Please please make him face up to reality. With actions.

Could you find a private psychologist who specialises in hoarding and see him yourself - maybe with a view to staging some kind of intervention? With the psychologist coming round to the house (no notice so no time for frantic cleaning?)