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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage may have ended

153 replies

isthisthend · 15/06/2014 20:22

NC but regular, suspect H reads MN and knows my username. Keeping details scant.

Last night H snapped. He totally lost control after I admittedly but unintentionally provoked an already tricky situation. He burst into to our LO bedroom whilst I was trying & failing to resettle after yet another wake up. He was furious that I had chosen that time to bring up a question whilst LO was howling. The answer is that since LO was born I have done every bedtime, nightwaking & morning. We need to sleep train but for reasons that would out me, he really has to be off work.

H pushed me out of the way to get to LO, I don't know why, perhaps instinctively I fought back standing my ground. LO will only settle with a bf, H has never done a bedtime, I had no reason to think there was a valid reason for H to try and do the settling.

H grabbed my arm and yanked me out of his path to get to LO. Today I have extensive bruising & fingermarks as a result. He agreed to leave me to settle LO and his parting shot was it is over and has been for a while.

We've not spoken since. He's at work. He hasn't seen LO today.

I am devastated. I cannot believe we both behaved like that in front of our LO who was clearly terrified.

His behaviour was so out of character. I don't know if it's over. I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about him now. We have a beautiful LO, lovely home, good jobs, a happy marriage or so I thought. How do we recover from this? Can we?

Its all gone, hasn't it?

OP posts:
dollius · 15/06/2014 20:25

Has he snapped like this before? Why has he done no nightwaking/mornings etc? Does he think it is your "job" or do you prefer to do it all?

This is an assault and you should really report it to the police.

At the very least take photos of your bruising and the finger marks - he would have had to apply considerable force to do that and could have broken your arm at the wrong angle.

Doing it in the presence of your DC is horrendous.

I hope you are ok.

ohldoneedtogetagrip · 15/06/2014 20:31

If it is not over-it certainly should be.

Regardless of the argument your H should not have assaulted you.

Original poster
isthisthend · 15/06/2014 20:34

Thanks for replying. Believe me, I know all to well what I should do.

He has NEVER behaved like this before. Not even close. He bloody frightened me. Not because of what he did, because it was so out of character.

He saw no point in doing night wakings as LO is bf. He's permanently shattered from work (and I'm not?) but I'm on mat leave so I guess he thinks I have it easier. LO is a nightmare sleeper.

I've made a record of what happened & photos.

I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisthend · 15/06/2014 20:43

He won't even realise what he's done. He's much bigger & stronger than I am.

Would it be stupid to try and recover from this? I've never seen him like that. Ever. It's like he was a different person & we've been together many years.

OP posts:
IWillYeah · 15/06/2014 20:47

There is just no excuse, even if it is out of character. No good man would ever grab their wife and bruise her, let alone while she was feeding/settling their baby. Its unacceptable.

Can you ask him to leave? Tell someone in RL, please. You need support.

Humansatnav · 15/06/2014 20:49

LTB, no second chances, he assaulted in front of your child.

DickCrack · 15/06/2014 20:51

When I was pregnant with ds2 my exp assaulted me. He pushed me on the bed and scared me so much I called 999. I never have done that before or since. He'd never assaulted me in the 10 years we'd been together. I took him back after throwing him out. Begged him to come back I think. But I never respected him again, my love for him died that day. Three more years we limped on for, 3 years with arguments, hatred, no sex, no friendship. It turns out he was shagging around after ds2 was born. I think the really crucial bit was I lost my self respect for having him back and hated that he'd caused that. It's not always if you go back, he will hit you again (though that's likely) - there are other says your partner assaulting you destroys the relationship.
Hope you are ok.

Joysmum · 16/06/2014 07:03

What is his reaction today to your bruises? If it's 'your fault' that will tell you all you need to know, report it to the police. Even if he's remorseful, that's no guarantee it won't happen again.

MostlyMama · 16/06/2014 07:05

Call the police, he has caused actual bodily harm

starshine62 · 16/06/2014 07:11

Huge hugs that sounds awful. I don't really know what to say. As he said its been over for a while maybe something with him has changed. It must be so hard onyou but dont put yourself I any kind of dangerous situation with him. Xxx

Lweji · 16/06/2014 07:12

You do need to put this on record.

I used to believe in second chances, but once the violence starts there is a higher likelihood that it will happen again.

You will also be frightened of standing up to him, or of a similar scene in front of your LO. That is not healthy.

It may seem too harsh at the moment, but it is best if you do separate. And log the violence.

He doesn't sound like a particularly good husband, anyway, even if he hasn't been violent before. Why do you think you have a happy marriage?

kaykayblue · 16/06/2014 09:03

Jesus, please leave today.

He assaulted you in front of your child. It's over. Completely over. Not only did he put his hands on you, but to do it in front of your child? Jesus christ. There are no words.

Or do you want to live in fear that if you stand up to him/say something he takes badly, that you might get your arm broken? Or for your child to have to grow up seeing their mother getting assaulted?

Please report this and move on with your life.

TweedleDi · 16/06/2014 09:10

It is important that you log this with the police. If you don't, it is highly likely that you will regret not doing so. He frightened you. He hurt you. In front of your child. Even if you try to stay together and move forward, he needs his card marking officially for both you and your child's sake. Not least, because these things tend to escalate. Please report it. Today.

Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 13:07

Thank you for your replies. I haven't spoken to H since. I saw him for 5 mins yesterday pm, we exchanged no words or even glances. LO and I have been out this morning H is in the bedroom and is unlike to come down other than to go to work later.

I can cope with him stonewalling me, but not LO, it's not fair, the baby can't understand.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 16/06/2014 13:12

But why? What provoked him? Is everything else perfect. Seems odd to just be great then have this one off?

And why would he try to get the baby when he knows a bf is whst is required?

Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 14:21

I don't know what provoked him other than I have been repeatedly asking when he will be able to get some time off so we can try and crack the sleep nightmare. He's told me when it might be but hasn't confirmed anything. I needed to see light at the end of the tunnel. I've not had more than 3 hrs sleep in a stretch for 10 months and never had a lie in.

He told me a few weeks ago that he didn't like the way I had been speaking to him. Yes I probably have been curt at times but we've had illness (LO and now us too), teething hell, multiple night wakings for months, I could go on.... Not that I'm justifying being abrupt at times.

He tried to and did get LO who was crying, tried to comfort but I knew the only thing that would calm LO was a bf so told him to get out if the room and let me do it.

OP posts:
dollius · 16/06/2014 15:19

Why haven't you had a lie in? I get the needing to breastfeed at night, but why can't H get up in the morning once you've done a feed and you go back to sleep?

What is his "reason" for being angry with you???

Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 15:34

I don't know why he's angry as we've not spoken since sat night.

He's not a morning person either.

I'm beginning to think he's just a giant twunt.

OP posts:
mustardtomango · 16/06/2014 15:36

So it seems on top of you bring knackered, having done all the baby 'work' for months, you must now pander to him and work at appeasing him?

Op, I'm shattered just trying to imagine that.

In a loving relationship you should feel supported and part of a team. It seems like you've been doing it alone for quite some time.

Why don't you take a few days to start, are you able too visit your parents or relatives for a few days?

Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 16:10

I guess it's just become the norm that the baby is my 'work' as I'm on mat leave. Just my job covers 24 hrs.

He does do a lot with LO though, meals, baths, play, changing etc & was a rock after the horrific birth & I was demented.

Parents live very locally, no other family. Don't want to leave the home really. I've transferred some funds just in case it goes really wrong. I have no idea of his intentions.

OP posts:
LEMmingaround · 16/06/2014 16:23

Is he normally ok? Could you both be at the end of your tether tired from the disturbed sleep. It is hell on top of every day pressures to be exhausted and running on empty. I think for me if this was a one off out of the blue incident id be wanting to talk about why it happened and how he would ensure it won't happen again however if thiz is an example of his typical behaviour escalating then id be asking him to leave.

joshandjamie · 16/06/2014 17:02

Ready to be shot down in flames, but I think that most couples go through hell when they have young children.

Wife (typically) is on maternity leave and does most of the night wakings/grunt work. Feels resentful that husband gets to go to work and escape some of the 24 hour tedium/exhaustion. Has had her world turned upside down while trying to discover her new identity and recover physically (sometimes mentally).

Husband (typically) goes to work. Feels stressed that he is now the sole breadwinner and he has another mouth to feed. Doesn't understand how hard it is at home as he's not there but assumes the wife isn't 'working' so has the easier life. He also feels resentful that he's not the wife's centre of attention anymore.

Under these circumstances, normally 'normal' people lose their temper, are at the end of their tether, don't communicate. I'm not saying that's any reason to grab someone and leave finger marks or to not pull their weight. But I think wedding vows say 'for better, for worse'. This is the 'for worse' bit. What needs to happen is communication, communication, communication.

It's super easy to say: he assaulted you, sounds like a jerk, why isn't he helping, LTB.

But really you need to talk. Have counselling if necessary. But I think sleep deprivation, stress and adapting to new roles takes its toll on most marriages. Those that last talk through them have a fighting chance of staying together. Those that don't either end it soon, or live in a marriage that gets increasingly resentful resulting in a crisis / break up down the line.

Obviously if you talk and you do your best but he continues to be like this, then it's worth reconsidering. But don't assume it's over just because of this incident.

mrsruffallo · 16/06/2014 17:09

I agree with Josh. Most couples find it a strain when the children are small. It's stressful having a young child and bedtimes even more so. Add to the mix some extra stress at work- which I think you hint at in your op- then you have a stressful situation coming to a head. I wouldn't be packing my bags or calling the police. You've hit rock bottom, it was a one off, now you can both be candid and start to rebuild your relationship.

mrsruffallo · 16/06/2014 17:10

It won't mean you're stupid if you try to rebuild this- it actually tales a lot of strength and courage.

PicardyThird · 16/06/2014 17:23

Also in agreement with joshandjamie. Yes, his behaviour was terrible but I think bag-packing and police would not be the right response here, at least not as an immediate reaction. OP, you stress how out of character it was. It doesn't sound like you have had any other indications of abusiveness.

You need to talk; he needs to be contrite and listen to you.