I think my marriage may have ended

[isthisthend]

NC but regular, suspect H reads MN and knows my username. Keeping details scant.

Last night H snapped. He totally lost control after I admittedly but unintentionally provoked an already tricky situation. He burst into to our LO bedroom whilst I was trying & failing to resettle after yet another wake up. He was furious that I had chosen that time to bring up a question whilst LO was howling. The answer is that since LO was born I have done every bedtime, nightwaking & morning. We need to sleep train but for reasons that would out me, he really has to be off work.

H pushed me out of the way to get to LO, I don't know why, perhaps instinctively I fought back standing my ground. LO will only settle with a bf, H has never done a bedtime, I had no reason to think there was a valid reason for H to try and do the settling.

H grabbed my arm and yanked me out of his path to get to LO. Today I have extensive bruising & fingermarks as a result. He agreed to leave me to settle LO and his parting shot was it is over and has been for a while.

We've not spoken since. He's at work. He hasn't seen LO today.

I am devastated. I cannot believe we both behaved like that in front of our LO who was clearly terrified.

His behaviour was so out of character. I don't know if it's over. I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about him now. We have a beautiful LO, lovely home, good jobs, a happy marriage or so I thought. How do we recover from this? Can we?

Its all gone, hasn't it?

I also agree that his lack of remorse is very worrying indeed.

You don't know why OP's husband is not speaking to her Lweji. He may be feeling deep guilt and shame. He is probably feeling some alarm. He has already articulated that he knows that this is serious, because he has made his own attempt to end the marriage - this could well be a distressed attempt to close off any future possibility of violence on his part. You just don't know. Of course he might be totally unremorseful and not see the horror of what he's done. We don't know.

Since you have been so aggressive about my right to define my own experiences, I'll respond in kind and say that I think that you are being too forceful. "Have you even xyz" is not an appropriate way to speak to the OP.

Nobody, the force that he grabbed her with is also the problem, not just his attitude.

This is why DV is a complex problem. There are degrees of physicality and it may be complicated to draw the line. In this case, it was with sufficient brute force to be clear in my mind and I bet it would be clear to the police or a judge too.

I am certainly not a saint.
I slapped exH before we were married. I felt I was entitled to it, being a woman and all. I responded physically to feeling trapped by the emotional abuse he was throwing at me on that occasion. Not proud at all and in fact the relationship should have ended there because of my reaction, as well as his abuse. It was not healthy.
Of course, his reaction to my slap (45Kg vs 90Kg) was to drag me from the bed to the window by the neck. It didn't leave a visible bruise. But I almost finished it then and it was the biggest mistake of my life not to. But I believed in second chances and it was partly my fault, because I had slapped him. He seemed sorry, apologised immediately and I told him it that if it ever happened again we would be over.

10 years later, I divorced him over two events of DV within a month. But the relationship was never a happy one, certainly not after that.

Rooty, nobody knows what is happening, and I acknowledged that in my previous post, when I mentioned that I was speaking in relation to the last update.

I am not being aggressive. You are confusing aggression with assertiveness.

I am not being aggressive. You are confusing aggression with assertiveness.

Lweji you are being remarkably dismissive of everyone else on this thread. I came to share an experience, and was immediately jumped on. Because you jumped on me, I have tried to stand my ground. I do find your posts aggressive, I have reread them and you are speaking with unjustifiable certainty. "You will be afraid". "This is a slippery slope". I am here to say that in my case that has not been true, and that I am not afraid.

Hmmm, isn't shouting down someone who disagrees with you and negating the validity of their opinions and denying your own aggressive actions a kind of dv? If lweji was married to rrooty I would be worried for rooty...o

OP - in amongst all of this, I hope you are doing ok and have had a chance to talk to your husband. I also hope that you're getting some sleep or have found someone to help you so that you can get the sleep you need to make some decisions. x

Seriously? Everyone else?

And definitely not shouting down. Just because I don't agree with you and put forward arguments against it, it doesn't mean that I am shouting down.

It seems that it is not me that doesn't like their opinions challenged.

Lweji - I understand that you have lived through DV. I also get that you may be better placed than those who haven't been through DV to know what the signs are. I also get that any kind of aggressive behaviour like this is by definition assault. I think what I and many others are saying is that sleep deprivation and stress and new babies can bring out the very worst in people. It may not be a one off. But it may be. To simply write off a marriage and assume the absolute worse without even attempting a conversation with her husband seems incredibly drastic.

This is someone's life and family and marriage you are passing judgement on. They are not you. You do not know their situation other than what the OP has written in a few posts.

In none of my posts have I said: 'Oh you should absolutely stay with this man and fix your marriage. You are equally to blame for this.' I have said that it is worth having a conversation in the first instance. His response to that and subsequent behaviour will be very telling. But it is for the OP to make up her mind.

Being pressurised by a bunch of strangers who are certain that unless she leaves she will be subject to ongoing DV is not kind to her either.

Agree with rootypig here.

He needs to know that there is one more chance, and then that is it.
He needs to know that you are utterly serious and will never tolerate a repeat of what he did.

eh?
I think I will ignore the above.

Oh do fuck off bela

have reported Bela

Lweji you were posting here before me and I disagreed with you to some degree, but simply put my own perspective. You then utterly dismissed all my experience. I "excused' the violence against me. DH will hit me again. I haven't said a word about the validity of your choices and experiences (because I think that they are valid) merely questioned the way you are speaking to me and the OP.

I didn't post to be provocative or get into a fight, I don't want to be combative but I do want to participate in the discussion.

But, Josh, I never told the OP to pack her bags right now either.

What I am stating, and others, is that the likelihood of this being a one off is small, particularly given his reaction.
Unfortunately we often excuse our partners too much. I did that. I tried to reach out and talk and find a common ground. I tried to find the best ways to talk to him and so on.

You are probably right that he is ashamed, doesn't want to talk about it and so on, but those are bad signs considering what he did. Abusers (and not saying he is one, at least not yet) are not necessarily evil. They struggle with themselves, they have low self esteem, they feel shame for what they did. But they continue to abuse, because they keep being excused. They do not feel for the victim, they feel for themselves.

I do hope for the best here, and for those who have only been through one event of violence.
However, I realise that a good outcome is rare. Even with stress, as sleep deprivation is (and I have had it) and a difficult partner, once violence enters a relationship it means it's not healthy at all.

rooty, it is likely that you will be hit again, yes, although it depends a lot on the attitude your partner had after he hit you and the type of person he is.
It is not good to hear that, and it's sad. Hopefully you'll be lucky in that respect. Fingers crossed.

Thanks Lweji. I am by no means sure that I will stay in my marriage but if I do, I hope that we both stay in control of our worst impulses.

OP, sorry for something of a derail. You have much to think on here, and I hope that you're ok tonight x

"Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality."

This is the uk definition of DV. Hth

Lweji, based alone on what you wrote, you physically assaulted your husband. You mention he was emotionally abusive and provoked your slap, but by your posts that's excusing the physical abuser.

You, being the physical abuser.

Can't you see how perverse that is? I'm sure you were not abusing your ex but applying your judgemental posts to your own post, you striked him - and that means DV. Doesn't matter you were provoked, it was just once, etc. No excuse.

I didn't say his abuse provoked it. I said that it was my response to it. It was wrong and based on that alone the relationship should have ended.

OP, if you email the photos of the bruising to yourself there will be a digital time record, should it become relevant in the future.

his parting shot was it is over and has been for a while
This screams out to me!
I'm surprised no-one has picked up on it.
Although the DV is the real issue, this could be part of it.

For me too, the fact he hasn't spoken to you or even apologised speaks volumes. He believes that his behaviour was acceptable and that YOU should be apologising. Oh dear!