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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I think my marriage may have ended

153 replies

isthisthend · 15/06/2014 20:22

NC but regular, suspect H reads MN and knows my username. Keeping details scant.

Last night H snapped. He totally lost control after I admittedly but unintentionally provoked an already tricky situation. He burst into to our LO bedroom whilst I was trying & failing to resettle after yet another wake up. He was furious that I had chosen that time to bring up a question whilst LO was howling. The answer is that since LO was born I have done every bedtime, nightwaking & morning. We need to sleep train but for reasons that would out me, he really has to be off work.

H pushed me out of the way to get to LO, I don't know why, perhaps instinctively I fought back standing my ground. LO will only settle with a bf, H has never done a bedtime, I had no reason to think there was a valid reason for H to try and do the settling.

H grabbed my arm and yanked me out of his path to get to LO. Today I have extensive bruising & fingermarks as a result. He agreed to leave me to settle LO and his parting shot was it is over and has been for a while.

We've not spoken since. He's at work. He hasn't seen LO today.

I am devastated. I cannot believe we both behaved like that in front of our LO who was clearly terrified.

His behaviour was so out of character. I don't know if it's over. I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about him now. We have a beautiful LO, lovely home, good jobs, a happy marriage or so I thought. How do we recover from this? Can we?

Its all gone, hasn't it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 20:05

We haven't been in the house together at a reasonable hour, both up, since it happened.

OP posts:
curiousuze · 16/06/2014 20:12

He should be falling over himself to apologise to you; making an opportunity. It takes less than 30 seconds to say 'I'm sorry, I can't believe I hurt you.' Come on, OP.

Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 20:21

TBF I've been avoiding him too. I don't want LO to pick up on the mood so we've been out when H has been home.

I haven't gathered my own thoughts yet. I don't know what to feel, think, say or do. I'm blindly carrying on as normal for LO sake.

OP posts:
matildasquared · 16/06/2014 20:24

I really think you need him out of your space for a while so you can gather your thoughts.

Reach out. Mumsnet doesn't cut it here. If you don't feel ready to go to the police call a therapist. Call your friends, family. Don't let yourself get all isolated here.

matildasquared · 16/06/2014 20:33

I was not bf LO, I had left the room to call down to H who was downstairs.

Okay, but...

ModreB · 16/06/2014 20:36

OK. You are not ready to LTB. How old is DC? How old are you? How long have you been together? How long have the sleep problems been going on? Have they just started, or has it been like this since DC was born? Does DH do bed, bath, sleep as well as you? Other stuff with DC? It's all relevant.

I know its like a firing line, but hold on in and you might get the answers here x.

HornyHandsofToil · 16/06/2014 20:41

I purposefully haven't read all the posts, but I wanted to offer sympathy. We had a terrible sleeper and he (the baby) nearly broke me. And my partner. And our marriage. It took about 1 year for things to get a bit better, 2 years to recover. In my circumstance, I was the one who was flying off the handle, being really out of character aggressive, etc. It would be easy to say it was PND because I'm the woman, but I honestly think it was sleep deprivation.

It was bad. So, so, so bad.

Like you, I did all the night feeds as he was BF. Partner would try to get up with me to offer emotional support but it backfired into me venting all my frustrations out on him and I'd hiss at him to go back to sleep (When the baby cried, I literally could not control the urge to go and comfort him...so I'd nod off, only to be woken up by crying every 10-20 min, which was worse than just staying awake). And I realized my partner couldn't function in a job more than a few days on the sleep I was getting. Weekends he did the grunt of the work, which is how I functioned on too little sleep and why he was permanently exhausted for 2 years.

We were not ourselves.

It was a very, very dark time.

I would say, try...however you can, to get some sleep. Both of you.

Then talk.

It was amazing how the cloud lifted, when I managed to get 6 hrs of sleep in 24hrs.

Lweji · 16/06/2014 20:48

I totally understand your position, and how hard it is to leave at the first sign, even though you know what you should do. I have certainly been there.
But he has just displayed the signs of dv. He has hurt you and is showing no remorse. He should have approached you already. Not exactly snivelling, but with a mature and responsible attitude. He should have realised that he crossed a big line and started to take steps towards avoiding a repeat.
That is why the only approach other than leave that I would recommend on your side is to ask him what he has to say. And then decide what to do.

Lweji · 16/06/2014 20:54

And at the very least you should decide what your boundaries will be.

Perhaps taking a few days off to think it over might help?

Could you go somewhere else, to your family, for a few days? So that you have some help with your baby?

Part of the problem now is that you will be walking on eggshells the next time there is a bad night, or you need to confront him about something, won't you?

Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 21:10

Sleep dreadful since birth, for 10 months. H does bath when here, plays with LO, is doting father. But, I have done every bedtime, night waking, morning. Ever. LO in bed at 7, woken 5 times already. It goes on and on and on and on.

We are both old enough, it was a surprise to me I conceived. Together 10 years. Both have very stressful jobs.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 21:12

I'm not being deliberately vague here, just ltd time due to resettles. And a thumping head to boot.

OP posts:
joshandjamie · 16/06/2014 21:17

Perhaps the signs of DV and the subsequent moodiness/not talking/sulking etc are all signs of sleep deprivation and/or stress. I'm not saying it's right, but it is VERY hard to be a mature person taking the high road, taking the rights steps etc when you are feeling tired/stressed/put upon. A normal person would be able to see that they are wrong. A person under stress/tiredness won't.

OP - do you not have any family who could help or some money to pay for a night nanny for a couple of days just so that you can catch up on sleep and be able to think clearly?

Original poster
Isthisthend · 16/06/2014 21:17

Can't burden family with this, elderly parents. LO in grip of separation anxiety too, won't be out of sight for 10 seconds, anyone else tries to get involved then screams blue murder.

Starting to feel suffocated by all this.

OP posts:
noddyholder · 16/06/2014 21:25

The fact that he assaulted you in front of your child and hasn't spoken to you since is very telling.

Lweji · 16/06/2014 21:27

Has he slept since saturday?

A friend had a baby that hardly slept for the first two years. As far as she says he's never reacted in a violent way.

Whatever stress he's under, that he responded with violence is a bad sign. It means it will happen again when he's stressed and you'll be bending backwards to make sure he's not stressed enough to hit you.

noddyholder · 16/06/2014 21:32

I agree our ds didn't sleep for 13 months was a nightmare nealry went nuts but no violence ever and we both did our share and dp worked as well Too many excuses here for something so awful.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 16/06/2014 21:51

We have been there with the bad sleeping baby, multiple wakings etc for 18+ months. Over now thank goodness, but were are about to have another Hmm

My dh was never the 'model new father' you read about on here, sharing the new baby load- he has a lot of issues with his own insomnia, ptsd, zero good 'father' role models. Never did any form of night waking child care until ds was 12 months (he did pull his weight around the house but just left baby to me). He did step up and take over a good chunk of childcare when I went back to work at one year and is a much more involved father to our toddler.

We both lost out tempers during the bad sleep baby time, had a few arguements but he never ever crossed the line of assaulting me or my ds. (And he never ignored me for a few days after an argument, I could not live with that personally, especially when I was under the extreme stress of lack of sleep, being ignored would be a relationship breaker for me).

I think if my dh had crossed the line and had assaulted me, I would be eternally worried about his temper/aggression around the children. I don't think I could ever leave them alone with him if this happened. I would also be worried that the dynamic in the relationship had changed and that I would no longer be free to express my feelings to him as it may end up in being assaulted again. I think for those 2 future issues are key in this situation op.

noddyholder · 16/06/2014 21:55

The no talking is almost as bad as when your are under this level of stress with young babies you need support

HornyHandsofToil · 16/06/2014 21:57

Well aren't these comments just pleasant and ever so helpful?

There's a reason sleep deprivation is an effective form of torture. But well done to Lweji's friend for handling it better than many people.

Iswallowedawatermelon · 16/06/2014 21:58

Yes I agree noddy. Although the assault is illegal, the no talking and being ignored treatment is terrible and even though it can't be put in the same box as the assault, I know I couldn't have coped with being ignored for a few days as a sleep deprived mother :( :(

PeppermintPasty · 16/06/2014 22:01

I'm not sure what advice we can give you. It sounds like you're convincing yourself to overlook it. That's up to you, but just don't be under any illusions-it's likely that it will happen again. He has no off button, no willingness NOT to do it-he did it in front of your child after all.

I think it very unlikely that this will be a once off, I'm sorry to say.

Bicciemoosh · 16/06/2014 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

joshandjamie · 16/06/2014 22:18

H pushed me out of the way to get to LO, I don't know why, perhaps instinctively I fought back standing my ground.

H grabbed my arm and yanked me out of his path to get to LO. Today I have extensive bruising & fingermarks as a result. He agreed to leave me to settle LO and his parting shot was it is over and has been for a while.

So let's take that line by line:

'H pushed me out of the way to get to LO'-rude, but I can imagine someone who was pissed off due to ongoing tension/argument/tone of someone calling him in an angry way - don't know - angrily pushing past someone. Not the end of the world. I imagine we've all pushed pass someone when cross.

'I don't know why, perhaps instinctively I fought back standing my ground.' - So OP 'fought back' - meaning what? Did she just block his path or did she push him back? We don't know. I'm not blaming her response. He pushed past her, so she pushed/blocked back. But if someone is in a bait already and someone blocks your path, what will your reaction be when you are already tired/stressed?

'H grabbed my arm and yanked me out of his path to get to LO' - Again in no way is this acceptable behaviour. But if you are in an already angry mood, someone blocks your path, you react. It's not right. But equally, really, honestly, have you never done anything like this in a temper? Does that make you an abuser and someone likely to commit DV forever thereafter? Couldn't it just be someone at the end of their tether?

'I have extensive bruising and fingermarks as a result.' Obviously that shows that he used a lot of force, which goes beyond what is normal. It is NOT acceptable. Still doesn't mean it will be a recurring thing. But I would be mindful and watch for any other tell tale signs.

'Parting shot that it has been over for a while.' he may genuinely think that or he may just have been saying that in the heat of the moment.

Him not talking to OP now is not good but equally OP has said she has avoided him. If he is anything like my husband, he wants to avoid conflict. Perhaps he is ashamed of what he did and doesn't know what to say.

I really am not trying to excuse his behaviour. Please believe me. And you know, maybe he'll turn out to be a stark raving DV lunatic. But I think it is worth keeping an open mind and thinking that perhaps this is just a couple who is very tired, very stressed and who need to try get some help so that they can be kind to themselves and start to talk to each other.

Lweji · 16/06/2014 22:38

dv is very rarely done by raving lunatics.
That is not helpful to a discussion about dv.

With my ex it was about losing control.

It may be that there is hope for this relationship, but not if it's in any way minimised or excused. It will have to be discussed and taking time off to think is a good idea.
At the very least do not let it go or go back as if nothing has happened. It has to be taken very seriously.

HornyHandsofToil · 16/06/2014 23:04

Lweji, this isn't a discussion about dv. This is a discussion based on what the OP wrote. The dv is your past, not the OPs. You are coming at this from your particular viewpoint based on your particular experiences and while I agree this could be the start of DV, it could also not be.