I think my marriage may have ended

[isthisthend]

NC but regular, suspect H reads MN and knows my username. Keeping details scant.

Last night H snapped. He totally lost control after I admittedly but unintentionally provoked an already tricky situation. He burst into to our LO bedroom whilst I was trying & failing to resettle after yet another wake up. He was furious that I had chosen that time to bring up a question whilst LO was howling. The answer is that since LO was born I have done every bedtime, nightwaking & morning. We need to sleep train but for reasons that would out me, he really has to be off work.

H pushed me out of the way to get to LO, I don't know why, perhaps instinctively I fought back standing my ground. LO will only settle with a bf, H has never done a bedtime, I had no reason to think there was a valid reason for H to try and do the settling.

H grabbed my arm and yanked me out of his path to get to LO. Today I have extensive bruising & fingermarks as a result. He agreed to leave me to settle LO and his parting shot was it is over and has been for a while.

We've not spoken since. He's at work. He hasn't seen LO today.

I am devastated. I cannot believe we both behaved like that in front of our LO who was clearly terrified.

His behaviour was so out of character. I don't know if it's over. I don't know if I can ever feel the same way about him now. We have a beautiful LO, lovely home, good jobs, a happy marriage or so I thought. How do we recover from this? Can we?

Its all gone, hasn't it?

For gods sake , he assulted her in front of their child , and thats ok is it? I despair of this type of twaddle.

This happened on Saturday and you've had the silent treatment since then? I think i would be asking / telling him to leave. It may not be a LTB situation, but you need time to reflect, and he needs to understand how serious things are.... this will take time to heal - if you try to go down that path.

x

I agree with giving him a chance. I'll admit that I flipped my lid like I never have before when woken up for the millionth time by a baby. They use sleep deprivation as torture for a reason.

The silent treatment is unacceptable!

How many times should OP be assaulted before ringing the police, Picardy

?

Ok. Police is not an option. Not because I'm scared or anything, it just isn't. I respect and hear what some posters are saying and thank you for the input but it's not happening so there is no point in the debate.

Sorry but I can't name check as on

Whoops!
.....phone but I think we have both reached the end of our rope. Hence our reactions were so out if character

Baby bedtime, will be back later

So she should do what? Leave, make him leave? Split up their family unit because in a heated moment when both were over tired after 10 months of intense stress, he reacted badly? Without ever trying to say to him:

'Look, you may not realise it, but the other night you you really hurt me. I can show you the bruises. I was also really upset when you said that it was over. And I don't appreciate the silent treatment since then. I have every right to be really angry, but I know that I haven't been blameless in the way I have spoken to you. In my defense, I am massively sleep deprived.

'I know that the last ten months have been really hard on us both and I think we've really reached a point where we need to talk. We obviously aren't communicating if we have got to the point where you physically hurt me in front of our child. I still love you but have felt increasingly resentful and ignored. I'm sure that you have your own feelings you'd like to share. Can we please have a chat about this?'

To the people saying she should just leave or call the police, do you genuinely think it's not worth her having a conversation like this? That it would be better for all of them just to leave and give up on her marriage that quickly? Have you never lost your temper because you're tired/stressed? He didn't beat her. He grabbed her in a heated moment. Once. Out of character.

Just a reminder that the only level of abuse acceptable in a relationship is none.

Lots of people have difficult times with babies and avoid hurting each other physically.

Whether you go to the police or not over this is up to you, although I think it should be recorded somewhere. You can ask the local dv unit for advice, or WA.
But, yes, I do think your marriage is over, particularly because of his reaction. You may not want and not separate soon, but something got seriously broken and I doubt you will recover from it.

People who have been assaulted know that the one time is the first of many, that the silent treatment is a sign of not owning up to what he did.
A decent person would have apologised immediately.
Abusers blame the victim.

This is the start of a slippery slope, from the people who have been there.

Lweji - I get that. But surely it is worth having a conversation first. His reaction to the conversation will speak volumes. But to never even initiate it, seems daft to me.

I understand that 24/7 thing, our lo is 8 months and I'm still on mat leave too. It's definitely work

Agree with the other poster about how stressful it can be, but if my dh had done that I'd be questioning all sorts. It's really hard to get breathing and thinking space when you're right in the middle of everything.

Perhaps he doesn't realise how serious this could be

He should initiate it.

As it is suggested, it's parenting him. Been there done that, got divorced.

I have also been through the humiliation of showing the bruises to try and convince him that he was unreasonable.
Not ever again and I don't recommend it. :(

Lweji I think it is very dangerous to tell a stranger on the internet to leave their husband based on your experiences. I'm not saying you're wrong. This might have all the tell tale signs of an abuser. The same way certain actions are a tell tale sign that someone's husband is having an affair.

But sometimes people make mistakes. They may not like to face up to the fact that they made the mistake. It might take a bit of a reality check for them to realise it. But I think dismissing a marriage without ever talking about it or at least having an attempt to understand what is going on with him is also a mistake.

I don't believe anyone should stay in an abusive or unhappy marriage for the sake of it. I do believe that people should at least attempt to address issues in a marriage before giving up on it.

I used to think like that.
Due to my experience and a few years on MN, I am no longer so tolerant of abusive behaviour.
It should not be for the victim to mend things. It only leads to heart ache.

What is dangerous is to tell a victim of DV to excuse the perpetrator, start conversations and open the path for forgiveness without serious work on the side of the abuser.
Dangerous for the victim and for the children.

This was an instance that the child witnessed and was affected by it. Babies are very sensitive to moods and stress. Next time, it may be the baby who is hurt.

The only safe advice where DV is concerned is to leave the attacker and report it.

Thanks all. J&J I really like that suggestion, I don't know when we'll actually talk, but I may use that idea. Of course he may just leave. Who knows? He told me it was over. I suppose it could have been a heat of the moment thing. I feel strangely numb about it. Other than the fact I have no appetite. I suppose you just carry on for LO as there is no other option. Do you think LO will remember it? What an horrific thought.

Police are not an option. It would end everything without a shadow is a doubt. Not because of his reaction or such though. It would be suicide for our relationship and financially. I know the advice inside out and backwards. Applying it to ones self is another matter entirely.

I suppose you just carry on for LO

Do you think staying with a person who abuses their mother is for the benefit of the child?

I would only ask him if he had anything to say.

How do you see the relationship moving forward from this? What do you expect from him and what are your boundaries?
Have you even told him that this was the first and the last time he touched you?

Despite his actions, it sounds like you're letting him call the shots on what's going to happen now. Don't let him hog all the power

Dear god with the people asking, "What provoked him?" "What was the reason?" "Sometimes people make mistakes."

The analogy above with the stranger assaulting on the street is spot-on.

You two were quarrelling because you have a difficult baby, like every other couple on the planet.

Someone's character is comprised of actions and decisions. Assaulting a woman whilst she's breastfeeding is not "out-of-character" for him BECAUSE HE HAS JUST DONE THAT.

Yes, applying the advice is another matter entirely but there is no way back from assault. What, you're going to spend the rest of your life thanking him for not assaulting you that day? "Good job, honey!"

At least get him out of the house for a while so you can gather your thoughts and rally your friends around you.

I meant that you carry on in this limbo rather than collapsing into a sniveling heap of pity which is exactly what I would have done pre LO.

I know many will disagree with me, but I don't think you can apply a blanket LTB to every case.

I was not bf LO, I had left the room to call down to H who was downstairs. H came upstairs to LO room and I was in the doorway.

I know the traits and risk indicators associated with dv. H does not have and has not displayed any of them until 30 seconds on Sat night.

Maybe there is no way back from this. It'll be a few days before we are in the house together and in a position to talk/leave, whatever we have decided by then

Has he even apologised OP? I mean, ffs. He assaulted you, and now hasn't spoken to you in days. That isn't a flash of temper. It's pathetic.