Hello. Me again... This is quite long. Once again, I'm writing more to get it all down and off my chest, rather than because I expect 'the answer' or any answers, as such...
I know I've asked this sort of question before, but it's something that keeps rearing its ugly head for me and I can't ever get to a point where I truly understand the answer or feel I've accepted it, rather I just feel I can't question it anymore because everyone is saying the same thing and I would just sound churlish to continue... and I might even believe it for a day or two... but then it returns... and worsens... until I reach the point I'm at now, again...
So...
My boyfriend behaves very much as though he loves me. And I think I believe that he does. He says some very lovely things, but they're not gushing, they're more steady and constant. So he tells me that he loves me and can't imagine not having me in his life now; he talks about having a happy and more mature relationship, one without the pain and anxiety that many of his previous loves have been characterised by - he's never blamed any of his exes but said that he was insecure at times and worried about who they were with and talking to. He has told me things that have suggested he didn't try and restrict them (and he's certainly not done that to me either), but I think the inner turmoil ate him up. He took a break from relationships for a while but was dating. He has said he knew from the first time he met me that this had the potential to be special because he could see something in me that intrigued him and I was different to the other women he's met. And that he hadn't gone into it intending to fall in love, but that he had. I think he's struggled with it as much as I have at times... And I don't think he meant I was different in that 'red flag' way, I think I probably am different to the sort of woman he usually goes for - put it like this, his exes have been all bikinis, pool parties and backpacking; I'm more camping and cakes...
When I told him I felt a little insecure at times the other night, he was so lovely and reassured me so well. I don't really feel I have any reason to doubt him.
But I still don't feel good enough...
Words he uses to describe me are: beautiful; pretty; lovely; sweet. He loves the fact that I'm kind and thoughtful and he said I am hugely generous and that people see a quality in me that means they know they can trust me and reach out to me (he's said that a couple of times recently in response to interactions I've had with complete strangers). But he also says he knows he can trust me himself... The other morning he cuddled up to me in bed kissed me and told me he loved me. And then he said, "mm, you're so warm and soft". And this last line has killed me..!
My mother (her again...) told me I was the sort of girl men 'settled for' rather than fell in love with.
I had a friend when I was younger who was very 'sexual' in her whole being. She oozed sexuality in a way that I, even with a corset, big boots and backcombed hair, still oozed wholesomeness and innocent charm. I have always been told I have a 'mischevousness' about me. But I'm not sexy. Anyway, a friend of ours told me not to worry, that she was the sort of girl men want to fuck, I'm the sort they want to marry.
Both of those things have left me feeling like a bit of a plain jane. Tbh.
I am probably a stone heavier than I'd really like, but without it, I'd just be a stone less 'soft' I wouldn't be toned or gorgeous or sexy... and from what he has said about previous exes, that's the sort he goes for. And he could probably get them too. I think he's gorgeous and he has a fantastic body! I could just look at him all day long...
Sorry, this is long 
And this is what I just can't get past. The fact is, I'm not sexy. I am lovely and sweet. I am reasonably attractive. My boyfriend seems happy enough to be seen with me in public - we hold hands all the time and it's a conscious hand holding (IYKWIM). He kisses me in public, strokes my hair and is generally phsysically affectionate in public...
But there's still the thought that - what if part of my attraction is that he doesn't feel as insecure with me because he doesn't think I'll be as attractive to other men as his exes were; or perhaps he's made a conscious effort to go for someone very different from his past loves..? And in very different he means, 'less sexy'; or 'less attractive'? What if he's attracted to my personality rather than my looks? He said that he's interested in more than my 'physical attributes' but that feels like I've failed.
I said I wondered how he could be content with me and only seeing each other fortnightly when he must be surrounded by young and beautiful women at work and socially all the time and he could surely meet someone there (he is, I've seen photos of his work colleagues...). He said that there are some good looking women at work, but do I really think that is going to change how he feels about me?
And then he's just so lovely and kind to me that I feel I have no right to be with him and that he deserves one of these beautiful, sexy young women. He's done nothing to deserve having to settle for 'soft' and warm and lovely. If I say anything about losing any weight, he just looks a bit puzzled and asks me why, and tells me he loves me just as I am...
I just feel like a complete fraud.
And I wish I was sexy and gorgeous. Not because he makes me feel like I'm not good enough, but because I believe that I am, objectively, not.
And I really should lose that stone...