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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dating thread 76

999 replies

LoisPuddingLane · 11/06/2014 10:57

As we were saying...

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 02/07/2014 18:07

Actually Wink

Aliensloveunderpants00 · 02/07/2014 18:29

Hello all,

Sporadic poster here but long time lurker!

Folk I think your draft response is spot on; your brother is definitely being very unreasonable. I have been reading about your story with your boyfriend for the last couple of months and I'm happy everything is working out so well, you sound lovely Wink

So, I've been emailing with this guy for about ten days and it's going amazingly well, such a great connection on email/phone. Problem is .... he's a whopping ten hour drive/flight away from where I live Confused. I would have normally dismissed him on the distance but there's something about his photos and profile, I don't know, I just couldn't not reply to his first message, and things moved from there. So, I guess what I'm after is practical advice on how you would handle that first meet to see whether there's actually something there in RL; sadly meeting up for a quick coffee won't work here Wink..... lots of references to meeting up from both of us but I think we both want to know more before going ahead and suggesting anything in firm. Any advice/ ideas on the best way to do this logistically?

dontcallmehon22 · 02/07/2014 18:56

Hope you get it sorted folk, you are being perfectly reasonable!

Mini I'm getting veneers and bleaching done. Got impressions taken today.

I'm just at a nice stage. Don't need a man. Wouldn't mind the right one, but I won't take any crap.

MadeMan · 02/07/2014 19:47

"I'm getting veneers and bleaching done."

Bleaching knackers your teeth, surely the veneers will be enough?

knittedknickers · 02/07/2014 20:16

Aliens - could you skype first? I know it's not the same as meeting but it gives you both more of an idea of the 'real person' than just emails/phone calls. If a few skypes goes well is there a nice half-way point where you could do an overnight stop. That doesn't have to be a big commitment either - you could make it clear from the outset you're talking separate rooms and choose somewhere that's got nice shops/walks/restaurant?

knittedknickers · 02/07/2014 20:18

Great response, Folk - assertive but fair. You are being very diplomatic here, you must be a very patient person.

dontcallmehon22 · 02/07/2014 20:19

Veneers are just at the front. It's the one that you do over weeks, so I don't think it's too bad.

BeforeAndAfter · 02/07/2014 20:28

Folk I'm a bit stunned about your brother's response to be honest. How about you take the bull by horns and go back to him to push the envelope a tad. Say that you don't want to miss the time with your boyfriend and that you've thought about it and the fact that there'll be a lot going on in an informal setting will mean that brother and boyfriend get to meet without any stress and that would make you relax more (lie for that last bit...) so you think would be the ideal first meeting. Don't push it to the point of breakdown but do you think he'd come back to that and say no?

Aliensloveunderpants00 · 02/07/2014 20:33

Thank you Knitted. Yes we've definitely talked about doing Skype but due to both of us having little ones it's proving a bit tricky to find the right time.... I like the idea of separate rooms but I think I would prefer to be in one of our home turfs so the whole thing can still be a fun weekend even if we don't 'click'. I was planning to suggest booking a hotel for the person visiting with that and the flights being split in half... that way if it doesn't work out none of us would be out of pocket for nothing ... And if it does ... well we can always cancel that hotel room Wink what do you all think, good idea?

BeforeAndAfter · 02/07/2014 20:34

Don't I had my teeth whitened by my dentist a couple of years ago. It was the UV thing. Hurt like hell towards the end but the compliments were just incredible. It truly made look a few years younger and I felt amazing. It was hell not having coffee or red wine for a few days but well worth it...

I shall be having it done again soon.

Talking of hell I'm off to an all-woman bootcamp for a long weekend to give me a fitness/healthy diet restart. Since coming back from Scotland in March I've got a bit unfit and porky while mending a broken heart so I'm hoping bootcamp will be like rebooting a computer to get me back on track.

millymolliemandy07 · 02/07/2014 21:18

Folk - I think you should definitely push your point. Doesn't sound like your brother is considering your feelings at all.
I can't believe that he isn't being more supportive of you.
Plus it would be awkward to have to tell your boyfriend that he can't come.
I don't think people always appreciate that it can be hard sometimes to be a lone parent at events when you don't know anyone, he should be glad that you want to bring someone

knittedknickers · 02/07/2014 22:11

Oh sorry, milliemolliemandy07, didn't see your post til just now - yes, camper vans galore. I don't know about joining more than one site - I already feel like it's bloody time consuming! I think I'm going to try POF, purely on the basis that at least two people say it's quite good!!! Like your name - I used to love those books when I was little - tried to read them to my children and they just laughed at me!

millymolliemandy07 · 02/07/2014 22:34

Knitted - I didn't know you could still get those books, I'll have to try them on my children (Feeling old as I type that..)
Camper vans must be the new mid life crisis vehicle of choice
You're right it is time consuming.
You can but try, at least its free. Let us know how you get on.

FolkGirl · 02/07/2014 23:28

The thing is, I know that he won't back down now he's said, "no". His response is polite, but I know him. It's a definite no and the conversation won't have been a calm one it will have been a "who the fuck does she think she is" type conversation.

I don't think people do appreciate how difficult it is to be a single parent. If it was a party in his house, I think I'd understand, but this is a, as yet undefined, 'get together'.

I have been thinking and my exH's best friend brought his girlfriend to our daughter's first birthday party. They went on to marry, but at that point, they'd been seeing each other for 3 months. And that was at the house. I didn't think anything of it.

I do think it's a bit unreasonable. But I know what he will be thinking. He'll be thinking that I should be prioritising his daughter's birthday. We've already had an argument because he was considering arranging a party on a date I already said I couldn't make and then accused me of being unreasonable when I said I wouldn't be able to come if he arranged it on that date. He is a bit PFB I'm afraid...

avianaz · 02/07/2014 23:47

Just off the phone with him, our first call, good god that's what he sounds like? We had a laugh, but I'm now struggling to remember his face.

His accent is more like mine than I thought too!

folk
It's like you said earlier - you weren't asking permission, he doesn't own the park and isn't catering, and will be busy with other friends...
You're really, really(!) good at being diplomatic - just keep that gentle assertiveness up.
People will think weird, unreasonable things and be increasingly rigid when you enable them. x

FolkGirl · 03/07/2014 06:47

Are you pleased you've spoken to him, avianaz? I hate talking on the phone. With a passion!

I will try to keep up the 'gentle assertiveness'. Sadly, I think my brother is quite a lot like my mother in many ways. And I'm a lot like my dad. As my dad got older, he would just take anything for an easy life and my mother attached value judgements to every choice anyone else ever made. Everything anyone did was a reflection of how they felt about her. I think my brother is doing that.

As I said before, we are each other's only adult blood family and he has very high expectations about what family is or should be, largely because he's never had one. And it basically amounts to family should always put each other first. But he has to see that that is happening, so it boils down to putting him first.

So much like my mother :(

secretsquirrel1 · 03/07/2014 13:02

Afternoon Ladies......I'd like to join your thread please? I need a bit of perspective.....and you're all so much wiser than I am with the dating thing.

I have been divorced for 5 years; I'm 52 with a DD of 10.

First love & I back in contact (after 30+ years) from January - had lots of email contact, made plans to meet up but that never happened because he ceased all contact a month ago....no explanation, no nothing. I'm very confused and actually quite pissed off - just wish he could have had the decency to just say 'look, sorry, can't go through with this, changed my mind, met someone else, blah blah blah' but just to disappear is just bloody rude. I waited 2/52 and just asked if he was ok, that was all, and there's been nothing since. I would just like to know, but there's no chance of that - I'm grown up enough to know that I'm not going to get anywhere by emailling again.

Thank god I didn't tell anyone about him, or I'd be mortified!

The only good thing is that I know that I am capable of having feelings again......and that I am totally over EH.

OLD fills me with dread - don't know where to start.

Thanks for listening

jesy · 03/07/2014 14:44

Wicked

Yes it's mr it man
I was at his on Sunday as well when she just turned up not sure what she must have thought lol
We getting on well as mates nothing more

itwillgetbettersoon · 03/07/2014 15:18

Been seeing A man for two mths - thought it was going well. Been dumped today by text! Boy does that hurt!!! I know I'm old - this is my first encounter on dating for 25 years but why can't people just talk! It is so cold - especially until yesterday his texts were warm and loving.

Oh well back onto OD. Might have a break first to gather my strength and enthusiasm for the crap of OD again!

Minime85 · 03/07/2014 17:58

Folk his response seems very unfair. But it sound alike he won't be budged. What do you think you'll do? Sorry I don't have any useful advice Hmm

Date with mr pof last night and he stayed over. Someone rein me in please! Wink

Minime85 · 03/07/2014 17:59

Itwillgetbetter- really sorry to hear that. Sounds like he certainly doesn't have any manners at all. The OLD world is tough I think you're constantly questioning everything, well I know I am!

Minime85 · 03/07/2014 18:01

Secretssquirrel he sounds like he has had a last minute panic over things. Was he single ?

Old worth a look but I think you have to have a thick skin

dontcallmehon22 · 03/07/2014 18:35

Itwillgetbetter - text dumping is so cowardly. I had that happen and it was bloody awful. Some men are so pathetic. Your username says it all - it WILL get better.

Having a red wine before I have to give it up for the teeth whitening. It's my birthday and I've an empty house. And do you know what...it feels really good!

Jarlin · 03/07/2014 18:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

louby44 · 03/07/2014 18:58

Folk I think sounds like an excellent reply!! Go for it!

Welcome to all the new ladies! I've unhidden my POF profile and have got chatting to 2 blokes already (one of whom works with my ex husband!!!)

We've just had a good laugh about that!