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Original poster

Dating thread 76

999 replies

LoisPuddingLane · 11/06/2014 10:57

As we were saying...

OP posts:
FolkGirl · 01/07/2014 20:45

Blimey, jesy! That was a lucky escape!

Minime85 · 01/07/2014 20:56

Folk I'm excited for you. Really hope you can make it work between you. I so want to find someone I can build a future with. Your experience gives me hope it's out there.

Jarlin · 01/07/2014 21:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

millymolliemandy07 · 01/07/2014 21:44

Folk - I'm excited for you too and looking forward to your next update.

Jarlin - I will try to be braver like you and try not to think bad thoughts if people don't reply ;)

FolkGirl · 01/07/2014 21:57
Grin

jarlin I don't know. There's no reason why not. It's just that where he's moved to is beautiful. There isn't anywhere that beautiful between where I live and where he works and where I live is just a little too far from where he works.

I suppose we shall see this weekend...

I do have to ask you for some advice actually. It's my brother's child's birthday in the next few weeks. It falls on one of 'our' weekends. My brother hasn't met him yet and he's only met my children once.

He wil be staying at my house that weekend (changes are afoot...) and what would be easiest, as far as I can see, is him coming to the birthday party with me and my children.

I'm not one of those women who sits gazing adoringly, so the children will still be a priority. But, if we're going to have 'a future' then family stuff is kind of involved in that. I've asked my brother. Tbh, he could go either way. He'll either be, "yeah, that's great, the more the merrier and we've got to meet him sometime," or he'll point blank refuse and accuse me of being selfish and prioritisting my happiness over his child's birthday party.

The alternative would be me saying to him early on Sunday morning, "thanks for the great 24 hours, but now it's time for you to go so that I can get on with my life" and the feeling that he is picked up and put down again is one of the things that he has been unhappy about. It's not like that, I just haven't wanted to overwhelm him with my life or 'impose' my children on him, any more than I've wanted to impose him on them. I mean, he might not want to come, but at least the option will be there...

Just don't know what would be the 'correct' thing to do.

And it falls on one of my exH's weekends to have the children. Which is already adding stress to the situation.

Minime85 · 01/07/2014 22:09

Just ask folk. If he and u are to have a future then family will hopefully accept it.

FolkGirl · 01/07/2014 22:12

Thanks Mini.

I have asked, just waiting for the reply...

My brother can be one thing or the other, depending on his mood.

Jarlin · 01/07/2014 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeforeAndAfter · 01/07/2014 22:16

Hi Folk

Can you expand on why it's stressful that your XH is meant to have the children? Are you worried about asking him to swap weekends or give up his Sunday with the kids? Is your relationship with XH that fraught? Does he know about your boyfriend? Questions, questions, questions...

millymolliemandy07 · 01/07/2014 22:22

Folk - I agree with Jarlin.
You're a couple so he should naturally accompany you to family occasions. I think it was polite of you to ask your brother but if he were my brother I would expect him to say of course he can come pretty quickly!!
You sound like you've waited awhile before inviting him into your family life so your brother should be eager to meet him. You don't sound at all selfish to me.

FolkGirl · 01/07/2014 22:24

jarlin My brother has very high expectations of me. We only had a small family to start of with, and I'm the only adult blood relative he has left. I'm quite live and let live, where as he attaches value judgements to everything other people do.

It's very easy to not quite meet his exacting standards. And as much as I find his ways a little... demanding... at times, he's the only adult blood relative I have left too. And therefore we are each other's children's only extended family.

He will either see the suggestion as a lovely thing and welcome it with open arms, or he will think I'm being selfish and putting my happiness and a man above his daughter.

It will really depend on how he's feeling when he reads the email... I can't phone him. He doesn't answer the phone. He doesn't like being disturbed by people. But then he gets cross with me that I never phone...

He does want me to be happy. But he wants his daughter to be happier more.

It's just that in this instance, I don't actually know if it would be an unreasonable expectation/request on my behalf, or not.

FolkGirl · 01/07/2014 22:33

Before No, my relationship with my exH is reasonably amicable really - so much so that went I went abroad with my boyfriend to stay with his family, my ex moved back into my house for a week to facilitate it.

It's more that I'm just aware I'm asking him for a favour and I feel like I'm doing it a lot at the moment because of other commitments and the like.

milly Thanks, and I hope you're right. Put it like this, I am worried about his reaction/response but if I had no reason to be, I wouldn't be. Past experience tells me he will go one way or the other. But there won't be a, "Yeah, do whatever you want... Smile " response.

Jarlin · 01/07/2014 22:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeforeAndAfter · 01/07/2014 22:41

Folk, personally I don't think your question about taking your boyfriend to your niece's party is remotely unreasonable... I would say that most people would think it reasonable and, to be honest, I'd say it had less potential to be 'awkward'. A child's party is a great distraction - the focus would not be on your boyfriend and your brother and whether they hit it off.

FolkGirl · 01/07/2014 22:43

Thanks Jarlin. That was the main thing I wasn't sure about really. If everyone had said, "actually, that's probably a bit unreasonable" I'd have listened.

I just think, "would I mind...?" and I wouldn't. But we were both let down by our parents and he's a different character to me.

To be fair, he's as hard on himself as he is on everyone else. The last time I saw him, he was so full of reproach towards himself that I had to stop him and tell him that he was being too hard on himself. When he was able to rationalise it all, I told him that that was the problem with disordered thinking, it makes sense to the person thinking it but not to anyone else. And he just broke down. Sad

FolkGirl · 01/07/2014 22:45

Before That's exactly what I thought, actually.

Fingers crossed he agrees... Wink

Thanks again for the perspective :)

BeforeAndAfter · 01/07/2014 23:29

You are so welcome Smile

So thinking positively and assuming your brother gives the thumbs up (if he doesn't, send him to the thread... Wink ) the hardest thing will be figuring out the token birthday gift from your boyfriend to your niece. Nothing too flash, too big or too brash. Something she'll love that's not pricey but is just right - the Goldilocks present... Get your thinking cap on!

dontcallmehon22 · 02/07/2014 10:02

Folk I'm really happy for you that things are going so well. Of course it's a reasonable request to bring your boyfriend to the party.

It's my birthday tomorrow. First stage of my cosmetic dentistry today. Half heartedly chatting to men, but getting irritated by disappearers. You have to put a lot of work in to get a date, it seems, but I don't really know if I can be bothered.

It's just rather lovely to not have a broken heart.

jesy · 02/07/2014 12:21

Why would he want me to meet his patents not once but twice in a few days

avianaz · 02/07/2014 17:10

jesy
Which one is this? I assume you mean parents, r is very close to t - it does look like he is a) a bit socially inept/clueless b) very very insecure/controlling or c) feels a connection that overwhelms common sense. Although I would say run a mile - it sounds like something I would do without thinking, in an unofficial, indirect way of course. I brought exDP to my parents house second date LOL though it's because they have a nice garden for drinks and music. (small house, weirdly long garden! No space to avoid haha)

don'tcallme Oooh what are you getting done? I would love to get my teeth done, not sure I can afford it :P Very excited for you!
To be honest your not bothered attitude sounds good to me! :) Some people like very enthusiastic chatters, but I don't think many but the wrong type like people who are a wee bit too bothered!

folk fingers crossed your brother is reasonable! My older brother is paranoid schizophrenic, so I know what you mean with catching them on a good day and disorganized thinking. Can be a bit tough. But you've been going out with this guy a while now, I mean is there a set amount of time you should wait? Or some sort of equation with time and amount of times you have did x factored in. :D Just know that if your brother says no then he is just being unreasonable and difficult, not you.

Well I got a new phone - I was determined to get a cheapy I could use for texts and calls - I was a disbeliever when it came to spending ridiculous amounts of money for a few stupid apps. 
Well I went to the phone place and I was talked in to getting a samsung galaxy lol I'm a believer now, sorry bank :(

SO now I can text <strong>tallhairygraveyardguy</strong>. (and play chess and dragon games and and and) 

I looked on his facebook and I put myself off him, silly I know! He just didn't seem like the same person there. 

But we're meeting again on Friday, to watch the world cup. Another early start but I'm determined to stick to a bottle of wine. I will not call a bouncer a paedofile, I will not go back to a hotel, I will not cry over ex! <img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Blush" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/blush-Brh13p-7.png">

Just wondered if it was me drinking whiskey rather some beer that made me like him so much. Keep getting cold feet.
wickedwitchofwaterloo · 02/07/2014 17:22

jesy is this Mr IT? Hmm

wickedwitchofwaterloo · 02/07/2014 17:22

jesy is this Mr IT? Hmm

Minime85 · 02/07/2014 17:36

Any reply yet folk?

FolkGirl · 02/07/2014 17:53

Ok. so before I tell you the reply, I'm going to tell you what I said to my brother.

I didn't actually ask him if I could take my boyfriend. What I said was...

X is coming over that weekend, as it is 'our' weekend, and is getting here on Friday night and will be staying until Sunday late afternoon/early evening.

Now this obviously puts him here for/during Y's party. I don't know what time the party is starting/finishing or where it's going to be, or what you're doing (!), but I would like to bring him with me if he is going to be here.

Because all we've had so far is a 'save the date' type invitation.

His reply was very lenghty, detailing all their upcoming social engagements; wedding, 50th birthday party, weekend away and the commencement of some building work they are having done.

And at the bottom of it was this:

We're both looking forward to meeting X but having discussed it we think it'll probably be best to wait until after the mayhem of the next few weeks have passed and after Y's birthday party. We'd like to meet him properly and have time to say hello and chat but with other people and children around that day it's not going to be really possible. Would it be ok to save that for another time and just have the 3 of you come over for the afternoon? We don't have many plans for August so perhaps one weekend then?

I'm really annoyed actually. I wasn't really seeking his permission. Their plan is a bit of a 'party in the park' type thing where people will be bringing their own picnics. I don't actually know any of his friends, so last year spent the afternoon on my own with the children making little more than small talk with a lot of people who knew each other.

So that'll be a no then Hmm

FolkGirl · 02/07/2014 18:06

I'm gong to leave it for a couple of days, but I think my reply will be along the lines of.

Thanks for your reply. Tbh though, I wasn't really seeking your permission, more letting you know as a courtesy that I will be bringing him with me. I wasn't really suggesting this as an introduction, either. You have said, yourself, that there will be a lot of people and children there, and you will be busy with everybody. At least this way, you won't have to worry about entertaining me, given that I don't know any of your friends ;-) It's not as though it's at home, or you're catering, so numbers aren't really an issue. Just let me know where and what time when you've decided.

The thing is, we've been seeing each other for 8 months. I've suggested to my brother that we get together a couple of times but there's always been a reason why it's not convenient.

My brother is a bit controlling and has some very fixed ideas. There is a bit of him that will always see my exH as my 'valid' relationship and anyone that comes after as an Imposter.