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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 76

999 replies

LoisPuddingLane · 11/06/2014 10:57

As we were saying...

OP posts:
Pinklaydee1302 · 28/06/2014 19:49

Well I had my date with tall postie last night. I liked him, we got on well. Talked about himself a lot n didn't ask that much about me but hey ho kinda getting used to that. Took me for Italian and had a nice bottle of wine so yes enjoyed it....as for the spark....well not really but I did like him and found him attractive so I'll see him again. I'm going on holiday tonight for a week and he's asked that I keep in touch via FB n then perhaps go out when I get back.

The ex is still in my head thoughHmm every time I go on a date I just want to compare.

Jarlin · 28/06/2014 20:17

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gigglygirlygirl · 28/06/2014 20:20

I had the opposite problem as I really fancied my date from his photos then saw him waiting for me in person and wanted to run as I thought he was so out of my league.

Pinklaydee1302 · 28/06/2014 20:45

Yes Jarlin that was me with mr kids.... now known as the ex Sad

Loved him to bits, dated three months but insecurity and jealousy on both sides caused the split. Still think of him every day though.

Awwww I'm glad things are still good with Slow....I always think of you and Slow as Carrie and Big in sex and city Grin

FolkGirl · 28/06/2014 22:02

Thanks Jarlin Could you imagine that?!! Wink But no, I doubt that will happen.

I spoke to my friend today, and I'm still having "what if he's changed his mind?", "what if..." doubts. But, as my friend said, he's laid himself completely on the line. He has initiated this. He has said he wants a future with me. He has said he lovely me sincerely and very deeply. He has said that seeing me once a fortnight is no longer enough...

I suppose there's a bit of me that isn't completely certain men really do fall in love...

FolkGirl · 28/06/2014 22:32

More than that, I suspect that if I suggested he didn't really love me, he'd feel really hurt and upset. He couldn't have done any more really.

I think I really do love him.

He's lovely.

I miss him so much. He's back next weekend and I'm really looking forward to seeing him.

I get really nervous when I go round to see him. I sit in the car before I go up to the house with my heart pounding and have to psych myself up to it. And my heart does a little flip when I see him.

And I sit with a glass of wine watching him cook dinner and I feel overwhelmed by how I feel about him; I can't really describe it. He just seems so confident, but also vulnerable; so strong and yet so sensitive... I watch him doing things and everything he does is just so 'watchable'. I can't explain. I just feel like I need to fill myself and my head with him. He's not perfect, by any means, but I just feel an overwhelming need to love him.

It really is different to how I've felt about anyone else in the past. Put it like this, I didn't feel about my exh at any point in the relationship, the way I feel about him. I don't think I'd tell him that, though! I think he would run a mile then... Wink

FolkGirl · 28/06/2014 22:33

Loves me, not lovely me... what am I talking about!

Pinklaydee1302 · 29/06/2014 02:02

The way you described your feelings Folk is the way I felt with mr kids. Sad

I just know I'll never find that feeling with anyone else because it took me 42 years to find it with him Sad

FolkGirl · 29/06/2014 06:06

Pink Don't say that Sad Actually, I feel quite the opposite.

I don't know how much you remember of my 'story', but I grew up learning I was unloveable. I've had two LTR's and wasn't loved by either of them. On reflection, I didn't love them either. I thought I did, but it was fear rather than love.

Anyway, I digress.

I've changed so much in the nearly 8 months I've been with my boyfriend, not least in terms of how I feel about myself.

I now know that I can love and I can be loved. I didn't believe either of those things beforehand.

And I also know that, if it doesn't work out with my boyfriend in the long term, that, because I can love and be loved, I would love and be loved again.

I'm sure that if we split up, it wouldn't feel like that for a while. But it's true. And it's true for you, too. Smile

dontcallmehon22 · 29/06/2014 08:05

Pink,As you know, I felt like that about Geeky. It was the most intense thing I've ever known in all my life. I have faith I'll know it again, I really do.
My counsellor said 'some people live their whole lives and never love like that.' She's right. But once you've found it, you know what it is and you'll never settle for less. Despite all the pain, if I had to make my choice again without altering the outcome, I'd take the decision to know him and love him. I really would.

Folk you deserve it and I'm happy you've got it.

FolkGirl · 29/06/2014 08:33

dont I'm so pleased to hear that you finally feel like you will know it again.

Oddly, I think I'm only in the position I'm in with my boyfriend because I held back for so long. I think if I'd been looking to fall in love, or had fallen in love with him sooner, it would have scared him off.

As it is, I think he fell first. And even then, I still held back because of my own fears.

It meant that, emotionally, it progressed on his terms and at a speed he was (almost) happy with...

I know he feels very vulnerable now and is a little scared. Because he told me so. He said he's guarded his heart for many years and I've broken down his defences Wink

But, do you know what? That's ok because I love him and I'm not going to hurt him. Like him, I can't guarantee I'll feel this way about him forever, no one can guarantee that, and neither of us can guarantee that this will work out, but I do love him; I want to love him. He has nothing to be scared of with me.

BeforeAndAfter · 29/06/2014 09:53

Folk I totally agree that the reason he fell in love and stuck around was because circumstances allowed him to do so at his own pace without you pawing at him for more. There's a lesson in there for the rest of us eager-beavers who want the objects of our affections to fall in love at our pace (in my case that's super-speedy).

Jarlin · 29/06/2014 10:59

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gigglygirlygirl · 29/06/2014 11:02

Jarlin

I wouldn't be surprised if it eventually ends wih Slow due to my insecurities. I think he is totally unaware of how much I stress when I am not with him. He gives me the impression he is totally happy with 'us' but I still worry when I don't hear from him or can't see him regularly.

That exactly describes my relationship. I hoped I would get better as time went on but now I am seriously falling for him I am worse than ever. Plus shifts mean we won't see each other for over a week and I already miss him!

Haven't told him that I love him but want to.

FolkGirl · 29/06/2014 11:12

jarlin I've often thought about you and your slow start with slow. I usually rush in heart first too, make the wrong choice in man and end up regretting it.

But this time, I have a real sense of slow and steady wins the race...

Before Oh I wanted that too. But rather than telling him how I felt, I poured it all out on here! He's always been really cool with me too, but things he's said this week have shown that's not how he felt at all! Who. Knew?!

Jarlin · 29/06/2014 14:03

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gigglygirlygirl · 29/06/2014 14:25

Jarlin My BF came across as really secure but he does have issues with his ex. When we spoke about it it turned out that he feels secure about me rather than being supremely confident about everything. He is a lovely bloke but always seems surprised when I do anything nice for him even though he is nice to me all the time.

The problem is that he did say it really early on .... think within 2 weeks of meeting ....... and I freaked out and didn't say it back. He hasn't said it since so I think I need to get brave. I really don't know how to say it though. Do you drop hints and build up to it or just chuck it into a random conversation?!

LittleBlueMouse · 29/06/2014 14:50

Folk, your man sounds so lovely, like you emotionally intelligent and articulate. So happy to hear your news.

pinklaydee, I didn't realise you were a name changer, sorry to hear about Mr Kids, Last update I read, I'm sure it was going well, so I am sorry to hear it didn't work out.

I am feeling much the same as regards doubts and insecurities, this for me is a new concept. In the past all the guys I have known have been very upfront, confident and articulate, they chase, they talk and do the emotional stuff, I just go along for the ride. This time is very different. I get texts saying "do you love me then" or " I want you to fall in love with me" this leaves me perplexed and confused, I feel like he is digging, maybe goading and expecting that if I said yes, he might drop me off a large cliff!! I usually find a witty retort but now I have fallen for him. Very early on, he said "I love..." stopped himself and then said "I love being with you" A few weeks back he said he wasn't sure about us, he then bombarded me with texts and calls. I then get cold feet and say "I'm too busy, I can't do this now, I need to focus on other aspects of my life" I left it for a week and then text a casual "Hi", he immediately rings me. I know he likes me, but I think he is too insecure to jump in with two feet.

So like gigglygirlygirl I too need to know, how can I get round to opening up a meaningful dialogue, and should I just tell him I love him...I do. I so wish I was like folk emotionally articulate.

Jarlin · 29/06/2014 18:58

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FolkGirl · 29/06/2014 19:09

LittleBlueMouse Ah you must have missed my many posts over the past few months then where I wailed like a crazy thing! Wink

I think he is lovely.

I'm still not getting all giddy and carried away. I can't afford to have my heart broken; I have children to think of! But I'd be very much open to the idea of something longer term.

Can you imagine?! Shock

gigglygirlygirl · 29/06/2014 20:47

Jarlin That is what I think too ...... he won't say it again unless I do. Which is a shame as if he said it now I would definitely say it back! I just have to figure out how and when to day it. It shouldn't be this difficult!! I haven't said it to a BF before so I don't want to make an idiot of myself.

Minime85 · 29/06/2014 21:10

Giggly just say it. Just say u need to say it to him and you don't want to deny it to yourself anymore.

millymolliemandy07 · 29/06/2014 21:15

Hi All,

I have been following the dating thread for the last few months (you all sound fab by the way) and have finally decided to try OLD.

However I now think why did I bother. I've had lots of views but most of the contact is from men either shorter or way older than me. The ones I think are ok don't seem to be online hardly ever.

Maybe I'm being overly fussy or unrealistic. I have had a couple of dates but felt no spark what so ever.
I guess what I'd really like to know is how many times do you go out with someone before deciding that you really don't feel anything and how long did it take you meet someone you did feel attracted to?

gigglygirlygirl · 29/06/2014 21:31

Minime85 I know you are right! I have just turned it into a huge deal in my head now I have stage fright!

millymolliemandy07 My BF was the first and only one that I met in person from OD. I didn't really have a set age / type in mind but he was right at the top of the POF age limit. He wasn't looking for someone my age but liked my profile.

Can't you set your preferences to an age range?

Blakey3166 · 29/06/2014 21:37

Milliemollymandy,
I'm the same - love watching this thread! It's like sex an the city!
I went on date #2 last night with a guy I have no physical attraction to but he's great to talk to.
Alas, had a great night- but I just think I'm not over what the ex has done to me- I'm so defensive and afte the date( that scares me, that word) I realise I just really wanna be swept off my feet now, as my only 2 exes, I wasn't, and like date 2, physically not my type but personalities were good( Shame they turned into cheating shits)
So looks like I'm gonna be on my own forever- an not even attempting to find coz I don't belive it's out there, for me.
So sad huh.