Sex on a first date? OK or not OK?

[SoleSource]

Yes, I'll follow my gut instinct if I meet this man I have been chatting to online for the last six months, but I feel that I might sleep with him, as I have been celibate for so long.

Is it outdated to feel that I shouldn't sleep with him as it isn't the tradiitional way to behave?

No idea really if we will want to sleep with each other after we meet in reality.

Just want you views on this please.

Sex is not 'fun' ?

Jeeze I missed that memo. Back to the kitchen for me.

If your son doesn't think a woman thinks sex is fun, what does he think sex is to a woman? A chore? Something to do for her man?

I have had sex on the first date (and instead of a first date) on many occasions. I'm what might cautiously be called an old slapper but, really, I just love bodies and what they do and how they feel and...you know.

I wish I could tell you I met some guy and slept with him and we are still together but I can't. I don't actually think "waiting" makes much difference though - if he's going to leave once you've had sex, that will be true however long you wait.

I had DP naked and DTD within minutes. Don't regret a second of it. Still at it like bunnies. I'd been celebrate for 6 years so I really needed to get it out of the way first!!

Haha brilliant! Presumably this wasn't in public!

Tinks, please think very, very carefully about what you are teaching your sons. Because I genuinely believe that you are at risk of raising rapists with the attitudes you appear to be promoting.
You are likely to teach them that women don't know their own minds about sex, are incapable of making decisions for themselves and that they are only worth having sex with if they don't want to have sex with a man. Therefore the only way for a man to 'choose' the right woman is to force her into sex.

This is not only a disgusting viewpoint but could end up with your sons in prison. Is that what you want for them? While I normally hold rapists entirely responsible for their own actions, I believe I could find a tiny bit of pity for young men raised with such poisonous nonsense sold to them by their own mothers.

I'm guessing Tinks meant it's not only a bit of fun for women. Well sometimes it is, but I know my emotions often get engaged too quickly.

Hey its up to the individual if they want to do it on the first date....obviously.

I just thinks its important to build up a bit of a chase first my preference that's all but most lads I know would agree even though they would take the easy shag option everytime if offered on a plate.

I think if you are actually in the frame of mind where you want to get into or are seriously looking for a relationship you should hang back don't give yourself away too easily its not that attractive to a lot of men I can assure you...

However if you don't give a monkeys and are just wanting a bit of fun get stuck in...no problem

"Not give yourself away too easily" makes us sound like a commodity. We aren't.

Most adult women don't want 'lads' though, do they? We're grown up, why would we want to attract teenagers?

Everything SGB is saying is spot on.

Teaching children sexual myths like most women like X, nice women will do Y is so damaging for everyone.

How about we teach our children about respect (self and mutual), consent and how to take responsibility (from contraception to protection against STDs to their sexual pleasure and that of their partner)? Much, much healthier.

What an interesting thread.

It seems that the majority agree that it's ok to go fast, or go slow, whatever suits you.

Then there's the minority who don't agree with this.

From what I can see, the 'I personally like to go fast' are also ok with people who like to go slow.

But a couple of the 'like to go slow' people, are not ok with people who like to go fast, and are judgemental about that. And one or two have ideas about women not finding sex fun, and sex is something that women 'give' to men. That people who like to go fast have no self-respect. Hmm. I find those ideas very disturbing indeed.

Then there are a few people who think men should go fast, but the women who go fast with them are wrong and should be judged for that. Even though they've engaged in the same behaviour. Also very disturbing.

The most disturbing are the ideas about womens sexual pleasure/desire/consent/self-respect.
Twink - I'm also worried about the messages you are giving your sons and the teens you work with. I can see what you are trying to achieve - self respect and full consent really are important and I agree that young teens probably can't always handle situations that older people can, and this can lead them into inappropriate or reluctant sexual encounters. We definitely MUST be teaching boys and girls about requiring not just consent but enthusiasm in their partners.

But I can't help thinking you are twisting the messages somewhat to your own agenda. The majority of people (and the teens you are influencing) don't have the same agenda as you. If you were in charge of my son and teaching him that girls don't enjoy sex, if they say they are enjoying it they are lying, if they say they want it they are lying, and that it's wrong to go fast and people who do have no self-respect, and that casual sex is impossible without emotional fall-out, I'd be bloody furious with you for giving him what I consider twisted ideas about sex that are likely to negatively affect his relationships and sex life in future. You are teaching him that he knows better than the girl about whether she wants sex with him or not, and as someone else said, that's teaching him to ignore consent. Dangerous. I also find it really sad if he thought sex was something a girl gave to him (reluctantly?) instead of a mutually enjoyable activity. I also don't want him tying his self respect and ability to value himself into his sex life - another very dangerous message.

I think if you are actually in the frame of mind where you want to get into or are seriously looking for a relationship you should hang back don't give yourself away too easily its not that attractive to a lot of men I can assure you

Do you think it's fair women should be celibate for ages just because society is a bit shit? If there was a massive switch would you be celibate so as not to be seen as easy?

Also do you think you think maybe if you and your friends were a bit more sexually confident you might not be scare of women who have had multiple partners?

I mean, I might be being unfair, but when I hear men talk like that... I think "rubbish in bed".

Also NOrmal how old are you? How come none of your friends have partners yet?

'you should hang back don't give yourself away too easily its not that attractive to a lot of men I can assure you'

That's ok. Men who think like that are not attractive to me either, so if they get funny after sleeping together 'too quickly' I'm more than happy to tell them to never see them again.

I'm not sure a 'lot' of men really think like this, these days. Maybe a lot of the single ones? Maybe it's part of the reason they are still single? Maybe the women they have judged over the years have thought 'phew! lucky escape. I found out you are a twat nice and early' and got out? Maybe the men in relationships tend to be the ones with more normal attitudes, that are not judgemental about womens sexuality? Because those are the men women are interested in?

...just saying...

perhaps these men need to think about why they don't have a girlfriend/wife? It could be that most of us simply don't want men like that. So if they are still whining about 'wrong' women after all these years of judging and rejecting/being rejected by women, they are the minority. So not really representative of what most men think. The men who don't think that way don't have so many problems finding a relationship.

"Do you think it's fair women should be celibate for ages"

No its up to a woman if she wants to be celibate for ages not me. She should make her own mind up. As long as it makes her happy either way.

"Also do you think you think maybe if you and your friends were a bit more sexually confident you might not be scare of women who have had multiple partners"

Possibly but I am not scared of somebody who has had multiple partners. Whats in the past is in the past as far as I am concerned. Its how they treat me and vice versa is whats important.

I am 40 and vast majority of my friends are married and regrettably I am now back on the single scene.

Never ever wanted to be back on the treadmill because I loved my family life and kids so much but unfortunately it just didn't work out with my DW.

I have had plently of life experience I can assure you and have always been very good in the bedroom dept haha.

I am sorry if I am coming across as a patronising twat.......cos I aint honest.

Well, at least you're self aware.

Ok, then, a tip.

• If you are 40, you're not a 'lad'. 'Lads' are teenagers. There is nothing more offputting to adult women than to realize you see yourself as a permanent adolescent.

NormalBloke you say "I just thinks its important to build up a bit of a chase first..." but what then? I've been "chased" several times and then dumped. And not because I'm a crap shag - I think I'm more than adequate. If someone is just interested in the chase, they can go and chase elsewhere.

Yeh ok but the clues in the same although someone will prob be offended by bloke as well !!

Anyway the original poster has been in contact with this "geezer" for 6 months so does this really count as sex on a first date.

She must know him pretty well by now which is great but not quite the same as most first dates.....hmmm

Good luck anyway

Yes lois but you probably banged him within 4 hours of meeting him lol...not much of a chase is it...

I think even after 6 months online stuff, the first date is still the first date because you do not know someone till you've met them. Online chat can present someone as they wish to be seen. They can pretty much make themselves up.

That's not actually true - I have slept with some men within two hours of meeting them, but I didn't in these cases.

Also, in saying that you are persisting with this idea that women "giving it away" should expect to be dumped sharpish. There isn't an "it" to give away. It's a shared experience. And, as is clear from some posts above, one that does not necessarily lead to the sharp dump.

And, as has been said above, anyone who dumps you sharply after a shag or a chase-and-shag, really isn't worth keeping.

I'm glad I didn't dump DH for being such a slut and having sex with me before I got to chase him around (like a scared "twitterpated" rabbit)

If we are supposed to keep our vaginas on the back burner until some unspecified time when it's all right to "give them" and not get dumped for being a big old slut, how do we know when that is? How do we know that when we give them our reserved vagina, which we have kept in a darkened room all pure and untarnished, they won't just fuck off anyway? As I've said, some still do. And they aren't worth keeping.

I keep my vagina handy at all times, just in case it's needed.