Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

I am not in the slightest bit homophobic but have the opinion that it is not ideal for children to have gay parents. Just my opinion

That is a homophobic opinion.

Arse - unlike yourself u would never insult or be nasty about any child. I'm sure your child is lovely but sadly won't be quite as cute as mine . I have been blessed with a very good looking little boy. You seem a very pent up angry individual I have to say. Maybe you should spend more time being a mother instead of going on Mumsnet being rude to people.

MrsM
There is only one person who has resorted to using the 'F' word and that is you
There are several people who have found your comments homophobic and inappropriate
You also made a really bizarre statement that you haven't yet explained stating that my upbringing had made me turn out gay when I'm heterosexual?! A point that you still haven't ex

Explained!

mrsm it is homophobic to think that children will suffer for having gay parents. It is certainly homophobic to express that view in the hateful way that you have chosen to.

My question for Iona was in no way meant to have you publicly grovel for your right to use MN on this thread - I am genuinely interested in the threshold at which offensive views would result in a ban. But if it has given you pause for reflection, so much the better. There are real people here, you know. The OP's child is a real child, who is obviously part of a loving home. You would do well to mitigate your views with some basic kindness.

If you want me to have spent more time being a mother this evening I would have had to go and wake my son up which would be incredibly unkind after he's had a lovely day

Being homophobic means disliking people who are gay and being against people who are gay. This is something I am not. It's a bit like the topic of, should gay couples be allowed to get married in a church etc ... People will have different views on that too but doesn't mean that those who disagree with gay marriage or in a church are homophobic. Perhaps I worded it in the wrong way but the OP was concerned about her child being bullied and I said I could see shy the child may well be bullied. I think it's fine to be whatever you are and gay couples should live together happily . I just don't understand people having children in straight relationships and then turning out to be gay.

Erm who has needed to grovel? Sorry I am in stitches laughing now. You're a funny bunch .

I love the term 'knowledge bullies'. When people know more about stuff than you do and point out you are wrong with reference to evidence etc, they're not 'bullying' you.

I can totally understand why the OP feels she can't cope with homophobic prejudice in her everyday life. Unfortunately it's a huge problem. I'd be very surprised if the OP has been anywhere near it for the last few hours. I certainly wouldn't subject myself to victim-blaming, homophobia-excusing on a thread where I'd posted about how that was exactly the problem in my life generally.

I wish the OP all the best.

People who disagree with gay people being able to do stuff straight people take for granted (like getting married) are discriminating on the basis of sexuality. I don't see how that's ever defensible.

Arse - if you look back at your posts you did use the F word before I did.

Being homophobic also means wanting limitations put on the way people who are gay live including openly expressing disapproval of gay people being parents, based on no evidence whatsoever.

If having gay parents was detrimental to the welfare of a child, then surely it would be a recognised child protection issue.

It's not. And it's not.

mrsm circular argument I'm afraid! If children of gay parents are bullied it is not because there is anything problematic about their parents, but because people are homophobic, let these attitudes go (at best) unchallenged, and bingo! Homophobic bullying directed at children. Well done.

So what would happen if the whole world turned gay?
Can same sex parents give children the same lifestyle and upbringing as a mum and dad?
Should same sex parents be allowed to have children ?
How can someone be in a straight relationship or be married and have kids later turn out to be gay ?
These are all questions to which people all have suffering opinions on what the answers should be. Some people are more open minded about sexuality than others. But everyone is entitled to an opinion and no one is saying it is wrong to be gay. I said I would feel sorry for a child being brought up for example by two women, as it is out of the norm and different .

Differing opinions

mrsm your post at 23:01 is grovelling. Rather unseemly, I am actually embarrassed for having unintentionally provoked it. Reading your post at 23:09, it seemed the thought of being banned had made you newly circumspect (look it up). Sadly that was short lived.

You are homophobic. Your total lack of respect for the OP from the outset of this thread is evidence of that.

So what would happen if the whole world turned gay? ah, I see you've been reading Kant!

jokes

Root - can you not read properly or something ? If it gives you pleasure to think I have grovelled then go ahead and think that but I don't need or have any desire to grovel to anyone. I was simply pointing out to Iona that I am not this nasty aggressive person like Arse has tried to suggest. And if I was unable to use Mumsnet I think I would be able to live with that as I do have a life outside of the internet. I simply thought as you were being childish suggesting I should be banned that I would demonstrate that I am a nice normal person who has lots of friends. You and Arse should meet up .
Anyway sorry to spoil the fun but I'm really quite tired and also bored of this thread so I think I will leave it there.

So what would happen if the whole world turned gay?

Er sorry is being gay a virus now?

Have a bloody word Mrsm

People don't turn out to be gay. They generally have these feeling but supress them and engage in a heterosexual relationship due to the pressures of that being the social norm. Generally what happens id after years of living a lie they make the choice to follow their own path and enter in to a same sex relationship.

I said I would feel sorry for a child being brought up for example by two women, as it is out of the norm and different.

And why would they be different?
Because people like you tell them they would. Because people like you instil these ideals in to the minds of your children so they also grow up with the same closed minded and bigoted views.

There was a time Mrsm where in this country people who were black/Asian/Indian were deemed as different and not the norm. Are you telling me that was the correct opinion to have?
Because based on your out dated and disgusting theory that's exactly what you are saying.

I'm not quite sure shy you are bringing an entirely separate issue like race into this around he and I have said nothing to suggest I am racist. For the record , I am absolutely not racist and will report you for suggesting that I am or have been .

Any loving, caring parents can give a child a good upbringing, MrsM.

Many people have children in a relationship with someone of the opposite sex, even if they have a subsequent relationship with someone of the same sex. Some of those people are genuinely bisexual. Some of those people spend years trying to conform to societal "norms" until they eventually are no longer able to lie back and think of England. Some actually just go off men, as their sexual tastes change.

Not suggesting anything I was asking you the question based upon your view

I said I would feel sorry for a child being brought up for example by two women, as it is out of the norm and different.

As I said in this country being a different race and having a heterosexual relationship with a person of a different race was deemed as different and not the norm as was having children in a inter racial relationship. So your view above would fall in to the same category would it not?

Or do you only have that opinion about gay couples Mrsm because if so that makes you homophobic you silly women.

mrsm there are two possible bases for your opinion that gay people should not be allowed to raise children, as far as I can see:

1. a same sex couple cannot provide what a mixed sex couple can

Children need food, love, fresh air, clean clothes and help with their homework. None of this implies the presence of an adult penis or vulva. Your argument also goes too far, because it includes children raised in single parent families. Unless of course you think single parents shouldn't be allowed to raise children? probably.

1. that a same sex couple will by their choice expose their children to difficulty that children of a mixed gender couple will not experience.

This is what the OP is concerned about and what Maisie has been going on about for the last thousand years. Two problems with this. 1. it asks gay people to internalise and assume responsibility for discriminatory attitudes - the shorthand for this is victim blaming - this is homophobic in and of itself 2. it is a circular argument, as rhetorician points out, particularly when posited by homophobic people (like you), because if it weren't for the opinion that is motivating your argument, the problem wouldn't exist.

HTH.

Rooty I love you (deffo in a lesbian way too)