Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

When peoples opinions are those of a bigoted idiot the it is law that those who are wiser, well adjusted and accepting come along and change said bigots opinion.

Lets face it mrsm we do not need lots of little yous running around the place like it's the 1950's next you will be taking the vote from women and putting those who don't conform to your ideals in to camps.

Arse - I don't think you should be commenting on my children or on me as a mother as I don't even know you. Nothing further to say to you or add to this thread. Sadly it seems you have nothing better to do but try and slander people such as myself and also poor Maisie. We are all allowed an opinion, you should accept that and realise that not everyone agrees with you.

It's a very good thing for society that opinions like 'homosexuality is not normal' or 'gay people should just stop being gay if they don't like being treated abysmally by narrow-minded bigots' are shouted down and not tolerated.

You might be entitled to hold an opinion, but that doesn't mean that all opinions are of equal worth.

Poor, poor, Maisie.

I thought you were going, MrsM? See that little red cross up there?^ No one is stopping you from clicking on it.

CalamitouslyWrong
Sorry if you think that I deliberately came on here to hurt the OP. I thought that my intent was quite clear but it seems that others cannot and do not see it as so. Also at the same time, it is the forum's rules to prompt for counselling if it was issues that we cannot tackle. There is an identity issue here, and I know that the OP may or may not have considered this before but the reality is really hitting her full on now. I do know what that feels like and I get it. It seems to me that a few people do not want to understand and do not wish to understand at all. Yet, I am called the lack of educated person in this whole process ? I am SO surprised at the views expressed by so many others here.

Society has indeed changed... and not possibly for the better either because some of the views expressed here are indeed quite horrific imho. I am SO glad that as an empath INFP, I was brought up in a loving environment, and I did not know any of this kind of BS about people's expectation on me as a person. Genuinely am very surprised. To me, a lot of people here seems to also misunderstand what prejudices actually mean, and what gender means too. I was raised in a Matriarchial setup. Sorry to disappoint you. I am also from a different culture even though I was raised in the UK here. Maybe this really throws the OP off her radar and understanding too.

I genuinely think and feel that the OP will indeed benefit in a lot of understanding if she read that book. It is about different personalities.

By the way, "identity crisis" includes gender orientation and sexuality as well. Welcome to the big wide world.

If you wish to play with your mind and soul, then by all means.

Oh Maisie! you were so so so close
to allowing
somebody
else
to have
the
last
word

I'm hoping that Maisie is a 13 year old boy whose parents are about to switch off the wifi...

funnyfoot

OP

you write that 'I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point.'

My sister is lesbian and lives with her girlfriend in a liberal, diverse area. Nobody judges, whispers or points. They are able to just be who they are, walk around holding hands etc attracting no more attention than any other couple. This is as it should be. Please move.

Also think about your daughter: would you rather she grew up in an area where she will be bullied if she doesn't conform or that she grows up in a diverse area where she has the freedom to become whoever she wants to be ?

If you wish to play with your mind and soul, then by all means

I play with mine frequently they are called Bob & Bob. They are in a same sex relationship but I don't judge them cos well that would be wrong.
I also play with my body as well because mind body and soul are a threesome but well that's a whole other thread Maisie

Maisie: If that is the case, I think you have managed to achieve the exact opposite of what you set out to do. You really should look at your posting style and think about how you might make your points more clearly and demonstrate more empathy.

You have decided that this is an identity issue. The OP has clearly explained that it is a discrimination and prejudice issue. You've assumed that she must be uncomfortable with her sexuality, but that doesn't have to be the case. Indeed, everything the OP has posted suggests that she's fine with being bisexual. She's just not fine with being treated badly because of it and she doesn't want her daughter to suffer because there are far too many narrow-minded homophobes around. You are very clearly projecting on to the OP.

You have not simply suggested that the OP go for counselling. You have blamed her for her own situation and suggested that she is 'putting her relationship before her daughter'. However, her daughter is not being damaged. The OP is worrying about what might happen in the future in terms of bullying. There is quite a bit of properly conducted research evidence that children are not damaged by their parents' sexuality. Not all children with parents in gay or lesbian relationship are bullied. Where they are it is because of homophobic prejudice in society rather than their parents' fault. That homophobia needs to be tackled, rather than pandered to by just hiding gay and lesbian people away.

You are making all sorts of assumptions about what other people know about on here. It is very obvious that many posters on here know a lot more about identity than you do. There are people on MN whose knowledge and understanding of this is based in rigorous study and research. These people do know more about sexuality and gender and prejudice and discrimination than you do.

The things you post about 'poor men' indicate that you are far more shaped by the patriarchal society in which you live and in which you grew up than you might want to admit. In what ways was the poor men comment relevant to this thread at all?

Similarly all that Myers-Briggs personality types is, at best, cod psychology. There is considerable academic critique of it, but you might prefer to read this Guardian article instead.

ouryve - Before you also go off on one. I write and I will write again. My intent was to support the OP and let her know what prejudices and discrimination can happen to her own child. If she is concerned about her welfare, and things like that. I also did ask her to actually go for counselling because 1) that is what the forum rules suggest and 2) that is because I can sense that she had received some traumas already. I do not know and the OP has not expanded on the physical abuse aspect. To me, if my life was in danger, I would either move, or that I would end things which causes the actual situation to happen. This is just common sense !

But here, there are gazillion people telling me that this is the wrong solution and even that I am a hateful person for even suggesting this kind of ending of a relationship despite the OP wanting to and was thinking about it.

It is Rooty who ranted at me and telling me that after being a mother, the parent need to look after herself. Sorry, but I see it as using the man if that was a deliberate action done. But I am assuming that there are not actual women who are this deceitful but genuinely was not aware of their own self to begin with. To me, I am clear about identity as a very REAL mental health issue. Maybe the OP has just exposed herself to this kind of thing, but to me, gender, race, and identity (and personality) is very much a true enough topic.

Judging by the responses from others, they have not actually figured out their own personalities and this possibly explains to me why they do not get equality at all. It is equal "opportunity" and not "equal for equal sake".

I have never even suggested that homosexuality is not normal. That is the perception of a few posters here.

A lot of people have a certain expectation of what they think society is like, and sorry but a lot of people did not go through the same experience that they did. It is funny for me to see, and to receive these kind of prejudices because I did not and was not raised that way and nor did I see men as mere provider and so forth. I am also shocked to see that some people will choose to be a homosexual or a bisexual rather than to let their own true self shine through. I have mentioned that I like metrosexual men in another thread and that I am an empath and I am not a bisexual and I care for others, and it seems to me that people like to fit others into their tiny moulds as and when they like for the sake of their perception of the world to be.

Good evening. Just a reminder of our talk guidelines. I'm getting RSA from the deletions here.

Maisie, at no point on this thread have I ranted. Believe me, you will know when that happens.

Anyway I'm going to give you a dose of your own medicine and say that you have no idea of what I mean when I say that in order to care for a child, a parent must care first for themselves, and that if you were a parent, I doubt you would spout so much total and utter crap nonsense.

CalamitouslyWrong Oh my goodness. You really do need to see and actually read what the OP wrote here. To me, her feeling of being an anxious mother and wanting to protect her daughter is absolutely valid. She even told us very openly that she is "new to this" bisexual relationship. Even though it has been a few years, she cannot, or the post that she wrote come across to me that she is in uncharted territories over this whole relationship and sexuality thing. She does not want to move. Yet others are pushing her to do something that she does not want to. Despite her stating that she feels anxious. If this humane to do so ? So you are telling me that if a woman fear or is anxious about something, you would suggest to her to continue to do it ? Despite it affecting her so?

This is not humane, I'm sorry to disappoint you.

It does not matter what research or what "knowledge" you throw at me. If a person is anxious then she is anxious. Evolution states fight or flight. I am suggesting her to fly away from her cause of anxiety or whatever it is that is triggering it and find some peaceful calm. This is not "pseudo" crap for even suggesting it.

I am surprised that for once, posters here are using too much of their brains and argue so much over the fact that the OP is asking for help and is actually anxious! (And I presume in emotional pain and worry.)

Put a claim in Iona

"I am also shocked to see that some people will choose to be a homosexual or a bisexual rather than to let their own true self shine through"

WTAF.

Maisie, Maisie, give me your answer do,
I'm half crazy, reading these posts from you.
It can't be a healthy habit, the way you like to rabbit,
Will you be sweet and hush tout suite,
Here's a Disney clip just for yoooooou....

(Sorry IonaMumsnet )

And you have also been atrocious to LRD on this thread. In particular you have personally attacked her and insisted that her experience as a bisexual woman are of no relevance to the OP.

Yet, at the same time, you've insisted that your experience of racism give you insight. The thing is, that racism is not quite the same as homophobia and it's really important to consider the specificity of different kinds of prejudice and discrimination. I've been a victim of both disability and gender discrimination at various time, but that doesn't mean I know what it's like to be subjected to racist bullshit or homophobic bullying.

It's also worth explicitly pointing out the irony of shouting down LRD's experience on the basis that she doesn't have children when you, yourself, do not have children. A little bit of self-awareness would go a long way.

Maisie believes that sexuality is chosen, unlike race
Aww damn my poem got deleted.
Can't believe MrsM reports that and tells me to f£&k off...

It is Rooty who ranted at me and telling me that after being a mother, the parent need to look after herself. Sorry, but I see it as using the man if that was a deliberate action done.

Wha? Where the hell did the OP even suggest that she went and used a man to enable her to become a mother? I don't even recall her saying what led up to the end of that relationship, so we have no idea whether she just grew bored of his snoring or he was an absolute git.

It is funny for me to see, and to receive these kind of prejudices

On here, we have nothing more than your words to go on. I'm glad you're finding this all so amusing, though

And once more - people do not choose to be homosexual or bisexual. You cannot be sexually attracted to someone that you are not sexually attracted to.

Just for the record, Maisie. I don't think I'm the one struggling to read the OP.

Yes, she's anxious but not because she's bisexual. She's anxious because of how other people respond to that. Moving away to a more tolerant area (as she's been planning) would also satisfy your pseudo-scientific evolutionary theory.

Actual evidence about the experiences of and outcomes for children in her daughter's position (which are much more positive than the OP fears) can actually help the OP to work through her anxiety.

CalamitouslyWrong Well, she jumped right on asap and then she said she had a husband so I assumed that she was no bisexual and then she mentioned that she was bisexual Gordon Bennet, and then she claimed that "I" lied ??? I only made assumption based on what she wrote and told us about herself here. Cos she was fighting for what? Validity sake? I just pushed her to answer some home truths because she did not even take into the consideration that this forum is about motherhood, and this is MN. She overlooked the fact that the OP wanted to give up the relationship for the sake of her own daughter. Don't you think that was something that you would questioned too ? I did.

She ranted, then she calmed and then she discussed ! To me, this is simple projection of herself without an ounce of understanding of where the other person came from. To me, it is very obvious she had no idea about discrimination or prejudices to begin with... ans then the threw those punches that was marginalising to me without an ounce of consideration for my feelings. Good for her! I do not fit her mould and therefore I am the baddie. Good play.

Sorry, I am self aware and I did point out the idea and supported the idea of the OP actually letting go of the relationship for her child too. Maybe you failed to see that despite me not being a mother that I also was concerned for her child just as much too. Maybe you did not agree with this idea or wanted to support her on this at all. I never called any one bad names. Do you see me swearing at others here ??

ouryve They were generalising and started to rant off topic... and went on a rant about patriarchial this that or the other... and then rooty did that classic implied comment of "mens" (!)

who is Gordon Bennet?