Thinking of ending things with DP, because of other people's prejudice. Really need help.

[unbelievablyconfused]

Hi

In a relationship with a woman (am a woman) and we've been together for a few years now.

Overall, I'm very happy with her. In the beginning, although it was a new world to me, as I'd always identified as straight, I was very confident and proud of our relationship. When we got looks or nasty comments, I genuinely didn't give a toss. I was/am too loved up.

As time goes on though, I'm finding it harder to deal with. The comments aren't constant, but we couldn't go out and hold hands without getting a lot of stares at the very least. It shouldn't bother me, but it does. I'm really ashamed to admit this.

She's perfect on so many levels. I love her so much and I can't actually believe that I'm considering bailing because of what others think and say.

I have a daughter, who's still in primary school and I really worry that she will be teased as well. I feel so much responsibility to keep her safe from bullies and I feel like I'm kind of fueling the fire by being in a same sex, albeit loving, relationship.

Due to several circumstances, we're supposed to be moving within the next month or so, but I'm getting cold feet. One reason is to actually get away from the bigots and move to a much more liberal and diverse area.

I don't want to leave her, but I find myself fantasising about a time when I didn't have to worry about what others thought and I could just go out and hold my ex's DP's hand because I was in a straight relationship. Nobody would judge me, or whisper and point. Although I have never been in love like this, life was easier.

Me and DP have even had to deal with phsycial abuse over our relationship. Usually it's just staring, tutting and things like that. Lost a few friends over it too. It certainly showed me who my friends actually were.

I know people will probably tell me that I should just hold my head up high and be proud, but it's so so hard and the pressure I feel right now to make the right decision is immense. This is, by far, the hardest decision I will ever have to make, because it's not just my future, it's my daughter's and she is the most important person in my life.

DP can't relate and thinks I'm massively over thinking this. I haven't told her that I'm actually considering leaving, but I've told her how hard I find it sometimes and how those feelings are gradually increasing.

Because we're supposed to be moving very soon, which means changing school too, I can almost hear the clock counting down, until I make my final decision. I feel sick with worry most days.

I honestly do feel like I'm heading for a breakdown. How do I stop caring about what others think?

Any advice? I'm so incredibly stuck.

TIA

OP please feel free to PM me and will be happy to share anything that could help you. I hope you can see that you've received a huge amount of support on this post and can feel confident that you can build a life free from prejudice.

I also hope that certain people Maisie will please please stop posting and derailing now. It would be awful if this thread got zapped, and I believe it's what she intends as part of her homophobic agenda. So I will bow out of any further interaction with Maisie on this thread as OP deserves the thread open and Maisie shouldn't be allowed to win.

See dear OP ? Hatred exists in all of us, in elevating others, -we can put down those who harms us in ways that does not fit our own worldview.- But in doing so we harm them but without remorse. You can only find peace within yourself basically. Because projection is everywhere.

Great post rhetorician

Maisie

If you are going to post on a thread where Bisexuality is quite a significant factor, then I suggest you gain a knowledge and understanding of the term.

To not do so, may well lead to you making a tit of yourself.

I've reported that hideous vitriol, mrsm

Oh god it's back.

I thought hoped you were leaving like 20 posts ago Mrsm

I think you should change your name to:

Homophobicfuckwittooclosedmindedtoacceptpeopledonotliveuptoheridealoftheperfectbieng.

Too late for that knee

Indeed!

Funny, rooty, knee... I hope to bump into you on another thread after this one gets zapped

Wow read through this thread open mouthed such ignorance from certain posters, glad to see its a small minority Maisie your an idiot.

Signed - a married with children card carrying almost lesbian bisexual

See? -In order to protect you others will down others who remotely even have the slight intent to do well by you as a person. This is what deep hidden prejudices can do to a group of people overall. I know, cos I have been there myself. This is the beginning of that kind of hatred. Here it is shown explicitly, but is it not better that people just snigger and walk past than for them to get verbal and actually do this kind of stuff ? Even to innocent bystanders? Cos hatred spreads and they do !- I'm sorry that you have to see this. Hatred to stand by you can possibly consume your child also too, and so you do need to actually have a clear mind and consider the possible tactics or ways for your child to defend herself. I have used reversed psychology on Arse here and she has backed off.-

Of course arseholebadger we will meet again, don't know where, don't know when but I would think on some bigoted thread we'll meet agaaaaiiinnnnnn

Arse - I pity yours too. I couldn't actually be any less angry. Very happy and content actually, I just find your posts vey funny and can see what sort of person you are . I hope they do delete this thread and remove you . I pity the future of any children you may have .

Jesus Maise your posts are hard enough to read without all the strike through's give a girl who's had wine a break!

Maisie the crossing out feature is there to enable a wonderfully funny comedic device, which is to communicate what you are thinking but ordinarily would not acknowledge because it is very rude

It does not work when you use it, as you are, to cross out the vast majority of what you simply wish to say which makes no sense anyway

Hope that helps

I'll second the offer for the OP to pm me if she would like to know more about my childhood.

Actually if this thread is deleted it will be a crying shame as the homophobic buns being thrown are the ones causing the issues. I really would have thought MNHQ would frown upon such views being displayed on a site that is for all parents which includes same sex.

I've been thinking about this Funny, surely aggressive and unpleasant homophobia like mrsm's should result in a ban? Iona, what's the score?

need a little buzzer to ask for a preliminary ruling from MNHQ on a point of law

Ah MrsM you should see my baby. He's wonderful because he has a loving and happy mother bet he's cuter than yours too
Anyway I thought you were leaving....? Ta-ta!

In the hope of swinging this back to advice...

I've known I was interested in women since I was around 15, realised that I was exclusively interested in women from about 17, and am now married to a woman.

And sometimes, yeah, everyone else is exhausting. And often it's in really small ways that people won't even think of. It's always being the first two people sitting at a table that are asked if it's ok for others to join, because clearly we're not on a date. It's the double checking of the reception staff that we know we've booked a double room, right? It's groups of teenagers shouting LESBIAN as if we were somewhat unaware.

It sounds like you have a lot of stuff going on right now: moving house (and location, by the sounds of it), your daughter changing schools, your daughter probably getting to the age where others around her are recognising that your family set up is not the "norm." I think it's completely understandable that the tiny constant undercurrent of irritation that all the looks, and comments, and tuts inevitably leads to is becoming less tiny. I'm pretty even keeled as a person, but there's been a few times over the years that I've snapped back at people when on a different day the encounter wouldn't have stuck in my head for a moment. Based on what you've written it sounds like your relationship isn't one you want to leave, so don't make the stupidity of others make you. But perhaps you could reach out to LGBT parent groups? I'm going to echo everyone (well, everyone that actually was helpful) and say that if kids are going to pick on other kids they'll find something for it to be about, but it might be reassuring to hear the experience of other parents with the same worries.

I'd love to know what sort of a person I am she already called me a lesbian which I'm not but is hardly an insult

Amen, Merrow

Rooty - I'm terrified by the suggestion... I am not in the slightest bit homophobic but have the opinion that it is not ideal for children to have gay parents. Just my opinion.

Hi Iona - as you'll see from other threads that I am on, I am not an aggressive or nasty person and have made a lot of friends on Mumsnet. I have only responded to Arse in such a way as she has personally attacked me by making remarks about my children and used unpleasant language towards me , which I then reciprocated. So if I were to be banned then I would also expect Arse to be removed from the site.