DP directing aggressive panic attacks at me

[Sapphire18]

Sorry this is long - basis of it is my partner having panic attacks which are in the form of very aggressive behaviour. Here are the details:

I am looking for advice on a recurring problem with my fiancé. We have been together for 9 years and got engaged a few months ago. It was in the third year of our relationship (when we first lived together) that I first experienced him having a kind of panic attack in which he becomes very aggressive towards me. It has never got to the point of actual violence but this has happened several times and is always extremely scary, upsetting and leaves me feeling really shaken up and tearful. About two years ago it really got to the point where I gave him a sort of ultimatum and he did a stress management course. It seemed to help as he learned coping mechanisms like going for a walk when feeling stressed, and spotting the triggers / warning signs. Since he did the stress management course there have been considerably fewer of these incidents (e.g. once every 6-9 months?) however last night it happened again. The previous incident was 5 months ago.

To give you an idea of what actually happens – it’s usually triggered by his frustration that I am not listening to him / he can’t control or change something. E.g. the previous incident was his frustration at not being able to stop me feeling depressed. Last night it was that he thought I was not listening to him when he was trying to explain to me about a DIY problem we’ve been having.

He uses his physicality to stop me leaving the room when I am trying to end a conversation calmly or storm out in an argument. I have tried to explain I am using the same technique he learned in stress management but he thinks I am dismissing the conversation we’re having.

Last night I told him I didn’t want to talk about the DIY as he was using a very patronising tone with me (and it was almost midnight and I wanted to get ready for bed). He blocked me from leaving the room to go to the bathroom. I repeatedly asked him to move and he refused, saying he wanted to make me understand the DIY problem. I felt trapped and got up on the bed to get out of the room by a different route. He jumped up on the bed and held his arms around my legs so I couldn’t move. I told him he was hurting my knee (which is recovering from a bike accident) and he refused to let go. I repeatedly asked him but he wouldn’t so I pinched his ear and kicked him and hit him. Not hard enough to really hurt but as a warning / to make him let me go. He didn’t let go and got me down on the bed, I calmly told him I would count to 10 and then he was to let me go. I was really starting to panic but I thought if I do I will really lash out and then we’ll both get hurt, plus I am already injured from my bike accident. He let me go on 10 and I went to leave the room but he stood in the doorway and said he wouldn’t let me until I listened to him.

By now things were calmer and we were talking rather than shouting. I told him he must not ever use his physicality over me like that. He was still focused on our disagreement over the DIY and I told him that was so minor by comparison – what I was now concerned at was his bullying behaviour. I was quite assertive that he must never ever do that (but I’ve said that before). I thought we’d de-escalated things and then I can’t remember what happened but he flipped out having one of his panic attacks. When this happens he adopts a really weird tone of voice, sounds really unstable and a bit crazy; he told me I don’t love him, I want him to hurt himself, I want him to kill himself; he threw himself around the room and I was afraid he’d hurt himself or break something; he banged his head against the floor; ripped at his clothes until he was half naked; writhed on the floor and curled up in a ball with panicked breathing and sobbing; demanded I hold his hands to make him feel safe; refused my offer of rescue remedy but then took it. These behaviours are all absolutely typical of when he gets like this. I didn’t know what to do but basically took the attitude I would with a tantruming toddler – being firm yet supportive, and trying to get him out of it without showing any emotion. However I was really torn as I didn’t want him to think behaving in this way is the way to control me or get my attention. I couldn’t seem to do anything right, whether I went near him or backed away. I was desperately trying to calm him as I was afraid he’d wake our housemates and I know when he gets like this he doesn’t care who’s watching and has no shame.

In the end I left him curled up in a ball on the floor and told him I was going to the bathroom but would come back. I was really shaken and panicky and didn’t know what to do. He was begging me not to leave him. When I returned about 2 minutes later he was in bed sobbing, saying he was only asking me to hold his hands because he felt so scared and panicked, and making out I’d been really heartless. I told him he’d really scared me, it was unacceptable and he should be in control of himself. He told me panic attacks just happen – I have experienced them too but I don’t think they necessarily mean lashing out at someone else! Then he was very apologetic, but I couldn’t stand to have him hug me, it just made my skin crawl.

I tried to sleep but couldn’t stand being near him, so tried to go to the spare room. He told me I shouldn’t; that he should; took my pillows off me so I couldn’t leave with them; begged me to stay. We tried again to talk but I was exhausted by now and said we should just go to sleep. He told me I am the one who holds all the power in this relationship, and that he did touch me when he was stopping me leaving the room, but it’s the closest we get to any intimacy these days. Admittedly we do have less sex since moving into a shared house.

This morning he told me he’d been up most of the night having panic attacks, and had to go for a walk to calm down at 5.30am (I did hear him go out then). He was very apologetic, asked me for a hug then got upset when I couldn’t bring myself to. He protested that he hasn’t got like this for ages (it used to happen much more regularly). He suggested we do relationship counselling ‘before we make any commitments’ – i.e. marriage (we’ve talked of this before) and I think it might be a good idea. I am a bit worried at the cost at an average of £50 though, and a little scared at what we might end up saying to one another.

I just don’t know what to do. Whenever this happens I ask myself what I am doing in this relationship. It makes me feel so vulnerable and frightened, and I don’t know what to do. I think he thinks that because he stops short of actually hitting me, it’s ok, or that because he’s panicking when he does it it’s not his fault. When I call it abusive he says I’m exaggerating. I desperately want him to be able to promise me it’ll never happen again but he says he can’t. I am really happy with the relationship otherwise, and excited to be marrying him but I am wondering if this can be overcome or if I should go on accepting that effectively I am with someone who’ll blow up like this from time to time?

Just to confirm, I am not looking for advice to leave him. I am looking for help in managing / eliminating this behaviour and how to address this issue.

I'm going back to old posts here, I've been at work.

He is not frustrated at being unable to communicate with you, he can communicate just fine. He is frustrated that you do not agree with him, which is very very different

Please take your focus off the wedding. The wedding is never the pint, the marriage is the point. There is no doubt at all that it would be a mistake to marry this man in two months and three weeks. Marriage is hard, bringing children up is hard, life is hard, you need to be as sure as you can be that your relationship is sound. He probably can behave nicely for two months and three weeks, he's done it before. It does not mean he has changed permanently. He has a lot of work to do and it is very very hard to change yourself.

Just to update - we had a very long chat. When he got home id already checked with my friend about staying and had a packed bag at the door incase needed. I explained my reasons for wanting to maybe postpone the wedding and he's agreed. Still dreading weekend when family asking about wedding plans and going to sleep for a few nights on whether to actually postpone. I'm glad he agrees it is sensible because if he hadn't I'd have really had to think of saying it's off altogether then.

I'm glad he agrees it is sensible because if he hadn't I'd have really had to think of saying it's off altogether then.

Aaw, love, he's done it again, said the right thing to stop you leaving.

going to sleep for a few nights on whether to actually postpone

The only way you'll know whether his agreement was manipulation or truth is to postpone.

Re-read the thread?

You didn't tell him you would postpone. He agreed to give you some time only.
You should tell him you are actually going to postpone and then see his reaction.

I suppose you've decided to keep hiding his behaviour from your friends and family then?

This thread is so depressing.

Take yourself back to your 20 year old self, just before you met him. If you had known then that the next nine years would involve fairly regular incidences in which he made you scared, vulnerable, and frightened, would you still have chosen to start a relationship with him? If you had known that you could never be sure which of your reactions would cause him to frighten you, would you still have chosen to be with him?

Can you remember the young woman you were then and compare her to the woman you are now? The one who is never quite secure, the one who has endured fear at the hands of the man who is supposed to cherish her, the one whose behavior and expectations have subtly altered over the years as a result of this.

Sapphire, I was in a similar relationship many years ago now. He started off by physically preventing me from leaving rooms when we argued. I kidded myself that he was just passionate and cared a lot about our relationship. One day I'd had enough of being prevented from leaving a room during an argument and pushed past him and he smacked my head off the door. I left soon after, when he pinned me down and hit me in the face. I was surprised to discover that my friends already had a pretty good idea of what was happening. No-one is going to judge you. And it's nice and peaceful living a life which doesn't involve arguing and emotional misery anymore. HTH

Have you looked up Stockholm syndrome? Trauma bonds? Have you ordered the Bancroft book? Please get away from him, talk to others who love you, and give yourself some space and reading time.
You are loyal to him and you believe you can fix him. I think many women in abusive relationships are very brave, very loving, very empathetic and would go where angels fear to tread. Great qualities, but NOT when they put your well bring and even potentially your life, at risk.

My comment about "this thread is so depressing": I didn't mean to be so rude.

It is your life not a thread.

My heart breaks for you. The way you keep letting him off the hook makes me feel a cold hard fear gripping my stomach. It's like a horror movie where I'm screaming "No! Don't go into the attic wearing nothing but a flimsy nightie armed with nothing more than small torch. Oh shit she's gone in "

Your last post almost made me cry and I've never met you, probably will never meet you and the last time I cried I had trodden on a plug.

Please get yourself some serious counselling ASAP. Or tell your mum.

If you just stopped keeping his behaviour secret, things might have a chance of getting better.

cookiemonster says it well.

Yes, please tell your mum.

The chances are that your family know that something has been going on, but no one wants to say anything for fear of upsetting you. You say you're close, if that's true, then a quick call will be all it takes. I suspect your sister hates your abuser because she is very aware that he is abusing you.

We have all thought we were hiding it well. Hadn't changed and were just as breezy as we were before our abuser ruined our lives. We do change though. It's often little things, the way you defer to them, the way you constantly check with your eyes that you haven't said the wrong thing, that everything revolves around them, their needs and their moods.

Honestly, my love, the first step, calling your mum, who loves you and wants the best for you, will make all the other steps you know deep down you will have to take so much easier.

I think you should take that offer of a bed at you friends just to get some space. I think you should ask him not to contact you while you are there and switch off your phone. After a week you can ask your friend to check if he has respected your wishes. After a week I would hope that he would have started the course. During that week you should read Lundy and speak to as many professionals as possible.
Ideally it should be much much longer, but a week is a start, to let the fog lift, to begin to find your real self rise to the surface again, to realise how many consessions you are subconciously making without even realising.

Im surprised also that the people running the course (and does he have a start date - surely something should be in place now) have agreed to see him if you ARE living together still.
As others have said, its like trying to treat an alcoholic while he is living in a room above the pub

OP I think we are all worried now that you have gone back on even postponing it properly. It has only taken him a couple of hours to change your mind. It seems to me that you aren't convinced he is the problem here. After everything everyone has said that is so worrying. I remember when I first posted on here defending exp and people were saying it was like banging their heads against a brick wall. I can see that now!

I honestly wish you could see how much you have ahead of you with this man. I wish you could see how happy you could be if you allowed yourself to meet someone nicer/kinder/respectful. I think you have very low self esteem at the moment and he seems to be offering safety and reassurance that nothing has to change. But sadly it does.

You are still in your youth, although you may not feel that now. Please don't waste any more of it on this man. You are having serious doubts, and they won't stop until you do something serious about them. Please postpone the wedding before you drift into it.

I'm going to lurk again now, as I don't feel I can add much more, but good luck OP

Oh PLEASE get away from him. Every single conversation you have with him is a head twister. You're so young and you have everything going for you.

Remember, OP, that under a week ago, he restrained you and refused to let go, even though he knew that it was hurting you and quite possibly worsening an existing injury.

That's physical abuse. And all for the sake of having a DIY discussion at a time that suited him, regardless of whether you were too tired or had some other reason for wanting to delay it.

Keep thinking back to that. Remember how you felt. It's important.

You seem to be having a lot of long talks together at the moment. That's bad for two reasons. Firstly, it means he gets to talk and you then have to process what he's said and feel your thinking get muddled again. Secondly, it keeps you focussed on him. I suspect that's the reason he's saying all these things which sound so positive is that it's keeping you by his side. He must've got quite a scare when you left for the night.

Cancelling the wedding is not the most important thing at this stage (you still have two months to do that). The absolutely crucial thing that you need is space.

You need space.

You need physical distance from him and mental and emotional distance, so that you have space to think without only hearing his voice.

My ex appeared totally contrite, overcome with remorse and desperate to do the right thing and put me first. Three weeks later, he'd made no move to find counselling (I did give an ultimatum!) and was subtly starting to shift some of the blame towards me. (At least, I thought it was subtle at the time.)

What finally occurred to me was that I would have to monitor his behaviour for ever. I would have to be one step ahead of him, so that if his manipulation and emotional blackmail took a new direction I would see it for what it was. I would always be on guard. It's more like parenting than a relationship of equals.

Your fiance ripped his clothes while writhing on the floor, didn't he? (Something he's never done in front of his boss or his friends. Or a barman ringing last orders too early for his liking.) Remember how you felt, watching him? Didn't you feel overcome by how wrong it felt? It was a toddler tantrum. It worried me in the dying days of my marriage that my H was like a child in some ways. Being in an adult relationship with somebody who acts like a child - that really left a bad taste in my mouth.

Saphire all he is doing is telling you what he thinks you want hear. The reason he tells you these things is to reel you back in and keep his grip on you. It is an emotional and psychological grip today but you know he is willing to make it a physical grip when those two don't work because that was what caused you to start this thread.

Remember that physical grip when he was hurting you and you felt afraid. That isn't love. When someone loves another person they do not do what he did to you. He does not love you, he owns you and that gives him the right to use and abuse you at his leisure. At least that is how it works in his head.

When he tells you he loves you he is lying straight to your face.

Please think about the pain and fear you felt when he held you down on the bed. When you counted he let you get all the way to 10 before relinquishing control and his grip on you. He could have let you go the first time you tried to leave room but he pinned you down on the bed until he decided to let go. And then he blamed you. Don't let him make you forget that.

I am late to this thread but just want to let the OP know how brave she is. So brave that I am positive you will get through this weekend. Remember people will expect you to be upset. If you aren't coping take a breather from your family, no one will expect you to not get emotional.

I am So glad the wedding is postponed as I have been pondering the wedding over the last couple of pages, it has occurred to me that in a healthy relationship if one partner went to the other in the run up to the wedding with uncertainties they would of course delay/cancel the wedding although be understandably upset. If my husband had been unsure I wouldn't have wanted him to go through with it, I would need him to be 100%. Why would anyone want to be married to someone they have to emotionally blackmail or beg to marry them? I am afraid it is just more evidence of how distorted this relationship has become that you both thought this should go ahead.

I know of three weddings called off last minute (one on the day!) one couple are now married. All six involved now happy. The scandal at the time now seems trivial. Good luck with your parents.

Such a sad and worrying thread. PLease don't marry this man, you will have a lifetime of fear and misery if you do. At the very least postpone the wedding to give yourself some space and clarity, at the minute you really aren't thinking clearly. You can always marry him in the future, but now really isn't the time for you.

Aah, bless. He is saying all to he right words to keep you on that hook.

Just wait until you are married, then he will have you hook, line and sinker.

If this isn't enough before you marry, imagine how bad it's going to get once you are officially wed.

It's quite clever and manipulative, don't you think?

OP you are sleep walking into this situation. Please wake up and get out now. I work with women who have often been in abusive relationships - this man's behaviour will not improve and you cannot fix him. Please just go now.

Hi OP, very late to this thread and not read all the developments but just wanted to add, as some pp has also observed: My DH has panic attacks and they are nothing like what you have described.

I wish you courage, you seem clever and strong

Hugs xxx