DH and my lovely family

[germinal]

Will try and be short! I have a lovely and large family. We get together maybe six times a year (3 ds 1db and partners). We live close to my parents and ds and I see them often. Children see cousins and grandparents at least twice a week. DM minds DS2 four days a week. Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I dont ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????

I've said it before on this thread but I feel the need to say it again: 6 "big family get togethers" per year is a lot. You are asking a lot of him! I am increasingly on his side.

Viviennemary: You don't have to dislike people not to want to see them multiple times a week

Totally agree

I'll ask this again - OP, have you asked your DH what has caused this change - if he has suddenly started being rude then that, to me, might well mean that something has been said, either to him or about him and overheard. Given how you've been on this thread I can well imagine that he wouldn't want to tell you, but perhaps you should actually ask. No-one, not even your family, is 100% lovely 100% of the time.

I am taking the OP's claims of her DH as being rude to her family with a pinch of salt. It seems that if the DH shows anything less than total adoration then he is described as rude.

sorry to say this op, but you come across as very controlling
"allow him to opt out"
take a step back, enjoy the time with your family and let him choose what to do

OP I am with you that 6 occasions a year is not too much to ask.

However I think your dates (every Christmas!) and request he doesn't criticize them are unreasonable.

I married my DH, it was a misfortune to me that he came with a family. Initially I had to be dragged kicking and screaming to see them. It is still not my idea of a fun weekend. I have spent many happy hours criticizing their many faults to DH (my family obviously are perfect).

However it's because I've had the space to do this, and be listened to by DH, that I'm prepared to go and see them, roughly 6 times a year. I even like some of them now.

No way would I be prepared to spend every Christmas and Easter with them. We go to see them at some point over the Christmas break for a short visit, never Christmas Day or Boxing Day. Those are ours to make our new family traditions in.

The tnread title is great.

Dh and my lovely family

I think Diddl is spot on here. OP do you still see your parents and siblings as your primary/nuclear family because that is how you are coming across.

It's like DH is Bobo the Sperm Donor.

Are you still going to make him spend every Christmas with them or can you consider any kind of compromise so that you just spend it with your own family?By that I mean you, DH and DC.

He likes your DM enough to save him a fortune and provide free childcare week in week out though? Hypocrite.

Mean on and off since beginning, more so recently. Do not expect adoration!!! He wont say why the change in attitude. I suspect some slight, he is very sensitive. Dont know though.

Anyway I appreciate everyone's advice and I will certainly take it. Thanks for perspective. Might leave thread now as I seem to be coming accross a bit nuts

Wow! Chaseface! I feel that post is perhaps more about you and your situation than me and mine!! My family are close, my sisters are lovely, my brother is lovely. That doesnt make us stupid . We are all grown up professionals with very serious jobs. We are not the teletubbies.

yes yes, your birth family are lovely, you've said it over and over again. Haven't heard you refer to your DH as lovely much in this thread, though.

I suspect some slight, he is very sensitive. Dont know though.

and don't care, is my guess. So you know your DH is sensitive and you think (but haven't bothered to find out for sure) that something someone has said has upset him. But because your family are 'lovely' he just has to suck it up? Doesn't your own husband count for anything at all in your world?

All I keep getting is that your DH comes second to your family, time and again.

I was all ready to say yabu until I saw the bit about you hosting his mother for 9 weeks.

So its ok for his mother to be with you living in your house for 9 weeks but its not ok for you to be close to your family.

Sorry but he is a complete hypocrit

Your family sound ace!
Your Dh should not be nasty to or about them (if they are kind and nice to him).
You are great with your pils so I think he ibu and ungrateful for the kindness shown to him and your dc by your Dm!

Childcare isn't 'your arangme' FFS.
He is quite happy to take free child care from your Dm.

Thanks so much everybody. Locked DH in the basement and off to the playground with my siblings. Thanks for all the advice, truly has been helpful xx

Have to say I am slightly open mouthed at how this thread has gone!

OP's mum does 4 days a week childcare for them saving a fortune (bitter experience), hosts his mother for 9 weeks (without starting a thread about MIL's which would no doubt have all said no-one in their right mind should be expected to live with their MIL for 9 weeks) and because she'd like her DH to attend intermittant family occasions without telling her how much he dislikes her family she's somehow the bitch troll from hell who hates her DH and prefers her family?

You sound pretty normal and quite nice to me OP so I'm sure you won't tell him when his mother next turns up for 9 weeks that its his arrangement and to push off to a hotel so you don't have to be polite to her.

A few people have asked you now, but what would you do if he asked to spend Christmas Day alone as a family?

Agree with Kewcumber. Not surprised you've had enough of this OP, can't believe people are laying into you as much as they are.

Wow. How is it her husbands business if she chats with her mum or her sister everyday?
That poor DH, gets his kids child minded for free, gets his mum to stay for 9 weeks, and then is expected to be cordial to his wifes' family on occasions? My heart bleeds for him.

Germinal, I think you are in the right and there has been all sorts of projection on this thread.

Your dh sounds like a stroppy toddler.

Well quite JohnFarley.

Some people come from large close families, my husband does, they are part of the deal when you marry them. If you don't like it, then don't marry them.

And to be clear I don't come from a large close family (though I am close to my mum and see her perhaps every other day) and I'm baffled by the hysteria about what an unreasonable demands on her DH.

I think some of the points are fair - would he like to have Xmas day without her family every other year maybe? But their children also need to be considered and should benefit from having a close extended family so it isn't just being polite to benefit OP but his children also.

Interestingly when my sister was ill recently and couldn't drive for months it was our limited family who picked up the slack and ran around to help her along with her DH and their adult children but very few friends helped. I hope her DH was grateful for our help and I'm sure we would have done the same even if he had refused to see any of us at family occasions over the past few years but I must admit I would have gritted my teeth more!

I thought that the husband doesn't care how much Op sees/talks to her family.

It's perhaps not the amount of gatherings, but the events-Christmas, Easter bdays?

Hah, dh and I were just joking last night that we'd let the gp name our next dc if they were minding her 3 days a week! They aren't, they do zilch and will continue to do zilch, they've seen dc1 once in 6 months and even then they can't be bothered to interact. I don't think you're bu, but, I do agree you can't make someone want to see your family. He's going to cut himself off from his own kids if he refuses to attend important events ultimately - try and find out what's really behind it, does he want more time to himself? Sounds like it from what you've said.