DH and my lovely family

[germinal]

Will try and be short! I have a lovely and large family. We get together maybe six times a year (3 ds 1db and partners). We live close to my parents and ds and I see them often. Children see cousins and grandparents at least twice a week. DM minds DS2 four days a week. Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I dont ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????

When you marry someone you also marry INTO their family - so you stuck with in-laws both ways.
In most marriages I notice the woman does the majority of social planning - it seems like your DH doesn't want to do any social planning but resents the social planning you do.
It also appears he doesn't feel part of "the gang".
I find his comments "that's your arrangement" unsettling - as though he is distancing himself from you - after all, you are mostly planning family events for your family - of which you have assumed he is part, but by his comments he doesn't think so. Why does he think he isn't part of your social life - or does he want you to have separate social lives, or for you to have a social life he doesn't want to take part in?
You talking to your relations should not bother your DH - unless he wants to take you to dinner and you are talking to relatives and can't?

I would ask him what he thinks you should all be doing as a family if not with your relations. He can organise events if he chooses - but he is being childish in complaining about what you organise but not offering viable alternatives.

Does he feel socially inadequate? Does he find you enjoying social events intimidating? Surely he isn't suggesting the children miss seeing cousins they get on with?

Ask him to give you some solutions or alternative social events - not just complaints about what is happening.

Well, I married him and, because I love him, I am kind and loving to his family. Do I think they are 'normal'? I do not. Do I understand their 'viewpoint'? I do not. It is irrelevent. I love DH. Therefore I treat his as mine. And I spare DH the hurt of airing petty grievances and dislikes (ie your brother is a bore).

I don't care if he likes my family. He should trreat them with the same respect and courtesy they have always treated him.

it would all be way too much for me. Has it occurred to you that your family are primarily DH and your DC - maybe doing Christmas or Easter with your family (not your extended family) might be nice - it's not like they're missing out seeing family as they see them so often.

Have you actually sat down and discussed this with him, because you are presenting a lot of things as fact. I am wondering whether he has overheard something, or something has been said that you are unaware of, that has triggered this.

Maybe, as your children are growing up, he is resenting how much influence your extended family are having on his children? It sounds so very unbalanced. Yes, his mum has been here for 9 weeks (hats off for that), but your mum has the children 4 days a week.

OP my loyalty is to my husband and my daughter first. They are my first priority. DM, DF, DBs, aunts, uncles etc. I'm not being Victorian putting my man first - I expect the same from him. Dh is very close to his parents and it gets too much for me sometimes as there is always something they seem to need doing which in the past has taken him away for weekends at a time - to the detriment of our family time. It is much better now and he recognised it was getting too much.

I'm not attacking you - I have no idea what your setup is and everyone is different. I'm just saying to you it is just a call but to him it could be taking your time away from other things which are to him a priority for his family ie you and your dcs. It also sounds like everyone lives very close together so I presume there are lots of going round for dinners, cups of tea, saying hi after getting dcs from grandma etc. That's all contact to me which can get too much if your own family is not like that.

Personally I think you're a saint for having your MIL for 9 weeks - my point was it probably isn't that common an occurrence as regular daily contact with your family is so I'm not sure it's comparable in terms of time. But I am sure you were not rude about it as your husband was when a dressing your family.

Bahahahahahahahahahahah!!! miggsie "your talking to relatives should not bother him unless he wants to take you out to dinner and you are talking to them". Definately not the problem

He has NO problem with me or dc talking and spending time with my family. Just doesnt wish to see them himself.

I doubt he feels out of the gang. He is very charming and popular. My family love him (though that might be wearing off given his last few performances ).

Sorry should have said dm etc come after my immediate family. I love them of course but my priority isn't to give them attention first.

So what is it you REALLY want, germinal? Because I am confused.

In your OP you said: "Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I don't ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????"

In that one bit alone you say both that you DON'T expect him to attend get-togethers except for occasions and then that you DO expect him to attend family things and be kind. You don't understand his viewpoint and don't care that he doesn't like your family as long as he plays by YOUR rules?

I agree with you that on those occasions when he DOES go, he should be polite and courteous - assuming, of course, they are polite and courteous to him. But your total lack of empathy towards any possible issue for your DH is a little concerning. It isn't as black and white as you seem to think it has to be. We're not all the same, you know, and once many of us said we could see your DH's point in not wanting to go to loads of family occasions, you seem to have dropped that argument and focusing solely on the perceived rudeness. You don't seem to make any genuine attempt to even TRY and see things from his point of view.

My mother minding the baby four days a week is a life saver for us as a family. Financially and emotionally. She is a wonderful and very respectful carer. Dh would say the same. The "your arrangement" comment was him being mean.

My b parents live five minutes drive away and havr never, NEVER, popped in uninvited because I told them DH does not like it. I do drop offs. DH vis not subjected to unwelcome visitors or afternoon teas.

notnewbutnamechanged I want DH to attend six family occassions a year, to be nice at them and to not denigrate my family to me or dc.

I have abandoned my earlier capitulation! I got carried away by the poster who agreed with me

Uninvited drop ins are the worst thing - out of interest did that used to happen? I was more thinking you going to other family members not them coming to you. Or do you always leave dh behind?

Germinal - are you expecting him to do Xmas Day and Boxing Day EVERY year as part of those six?

See, I found my ex-partner's brother a nightmare. And sometimes, I had to tell my partner that. Because he really was. Every time he visited he complained about nearly everything. Our spare room bed (which no one else had a problem with) was uncomfortable and my ex decided that we should let him sleep in our bed whenever he visited. Sorry, but sometimes you DO need to say something. Sometimes you can be too close to see things. While I can agree he shouldn't say things when in their presence, I don't think you can necessarily expect him never to say anything except positives if he genuinely has a problem with some of them. I think you said one of his 'grievances' was that your sister talks a lot and I think you said she does. That's not really denigrating her and you even agreed.

I can't get past the every Christmas and Boxing Day with your family. Gah.

Cannot imagine christmas day with no extended family. Definately our childhood experience affecting my and my dh perspective. He thinks i am weird! I think he is a fkwit.

Sounds like he has told you it is not fair and he wants something different but you won't budge. If I were him I'd be stewing over that. Every time I see them I'd be quietly seething that I'm being railroaded until eventually I'd break and refuse to see them so much. I probably wouldn't be rude to them though.

Every other Christmas to yourselves would seem reasonable to me.

DH and I take turns over which family we see at Christmas. My parents live overseas. If we don't see them when it is my turn then we spend Christmas without extended family, we do not substitute his family for mine. I love his family dearly but I would go spare.

My dsis has children same age as mine. On a Sunday, for example, I will say to DH 'we might meet up with dsis today at playground. Is that ok? Is there anything you would l like to do together today?'.

Only see parents during week (drop offs etc) and rest of family live 3 hrs away so only a handful of times each year. To reiterate DH does not care about the frequency with which I see my family. He feels he has more than enough time as a nuclear unit ....

How is he being mean other than saying he doesn't want to meet up with them? or is that in itself mean? would you rather he made excuses than was honest?
I don't particularly like DP's family - i don't dislike them I just have very little in common and find them really hard work - so does he. However he loves them whereas I don't - he can also relax in their company (and be rude to them when they are annoying) which i can't- i therefore encourage him to spend time with them withoiut me! I don't think this is mean?
He finds my family overwhelming and doesn't really get on with one of my sisters - i find it difficult but would rather he absented himself from the occasion than behaved rudely

But your total lack of empathy towards any possible issue for your DH is a little concerning

That was my impression too reading through your posts, OP. You've called your DH a fuckwit, said you don't care how he feels & set out your expectations in a way that would certainly get my back up if my DH did it to me.

I'm sure other posters have pointed out, too, that these 6 family occasions you keep mentioning aren't just random dates, are they, they're major holidays that you assume have to be spent with your family EVERY SINGLE YEAR. That would drive me insane. It sounds like it drives your husband insane. Why doesn't that matter to you? Doesn't he get a say at all?

OTOH I do agree that hosting your MIL for 9 weeks goes way beyond the call of duty, & that your DH's timing in voicing his complaints - just after she's gone - makes him sound fecking ungrateful. Have you discussed with him the apparent mismatch between what he wants from you, in terms of hospitality to his family, & what he's prepared to give?

At the end of the day, though, even if you have had his mum on an extended visit, I don't think it's fair for one person in a marriage to get the final say about days like Christmas, Boxing Day & Easter every single year. And I don't get what there is to be gained from trying to insist that another adult attends certain social events when they clearly don't want to.

He is rude to them (recently). He has said mean things to me about them (recently). That is how he has been mean.

anyhoo, unless I leave him and partner with napoliteanofcrime allowing dh to "opt out" more often is the only way forward. Ho hum.

Yep. Nothing to be gained by forcing the issue. We are mismatched in this part of our luves. Will certainly take majority advice and not expect dh to attend social events xx

Wish I had a lovely close family OP don't let your dp spoil that. See them without him.

Ps I should not have said fuckwit. Am sorry I used that term.

Thanks celestria. They are lovely. Xx

Fuckwit is quite tame really. I once got so cross with my do for not phoning to let me know he arrived safely when off on a holiday I told my mate I hoped his plane had crashed lovely aren't i. Ten minutes later he phoned and I called my friend back to tell her how much I loved him

Every so often she keeps threatening to tell him

He sounds like a fuckwit.

OP. How often does mil visit?

Is DH happy for you to host her for 9 weeks at a time - does he think this is reasonable?

Are you open to having every other Christmas as your own immediate family and not the extended family?

You keep stressing that you only want him to spend 6 days a year together yet you have said when his mother stayed with you she spent time with your DM and brother and sisters which implies you spend a lot more 'casual' time together.

You want him to spend the big 6 day 'formal' arranged time together, but also a lot more everyday, being around each other happenings too I imagine.

My DH had a slightly funny relationship with my DM, I think he was jealous of my close relationship with her.
But I don't know what you do about that.

Sounds like you do see an awful lot of your family. I wouldn't like this sort of closeness. But it does suit some people. You don't have to dislike people not to want to see them multiple times a week.