DH and my lovely family

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Will try and be short! I have a lovely and large family. We get together maybe six times a year (3 ds 1db and partners). We live close to my parents and ds and I see them often. Children see cousins and grandparents at least twice a week. DM minds DS2 four days a week. Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I dont ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????

I'd tell him you only get one mum you can have more than one husband.

It's a horrible situation that I have been in.

6 times out of 10 he likes my family and is charming when with them. 4 times out of 10 he does bot like them and is sullen and withdrawn. Sometimes rude. But I cant live wondering if christmas day is going to be miserable this year because of his mood He sometimes says "I didnt sign up to seeing your family 6 times a year", like we had a frequency clause in a pre nup or something. Jeez.

Just read you last post... so he didn't even get his mum to himself, your family swallowed her up too

You may need to sit down and discuss this properly - accepting he may not be able to explain himself properly.

But I can see how he might be feeling surplus to requirements!

Eh? I dont virtually live with my family. Trust me nomama his issue is not "dw and dc, when can we be together more?"

I think its not unreasonable to expect your DH (any DH) to meet and be polite to your family every other month particularly if your DM does 4 days a week childcare for you both.

He is being an arse of the highest order and it would concern me that he couldn't be bothered to even maintain to illusion of civility to keep me happy. Its not a big ask of a grown up

Sorry I have no idea how you handle it though except to say all of that. And suggest that he pays your DM for 2 days of childcare if he isn't prepared to treat her like family. He can't have it both ways - he can't expect them to treat him like family and provide childcare for him and his children but to treat them with such contempt that he can't be in the same room as him.

Nomama you are super nice in your assumptions that dh is feeling sidelined. That is not the case though. The kids love him, I love him. My family exist alongside and I love them. Why is that so hard for him??

Kewcumber when I pointed out that dm watches ds 4 days a week he said "that is your arrangement". OMG. Writing this down ..... what should I do?????

He's an adult though op, you can't make him spend time with your family. If a woman was saying she didn't enjoy spending time with their husbands extended family, and he was telling her he expects it of her we'd be saying he sounds controlling and putting his family first.

I agree that he shouldn't be rude to them though, but if he chooses to spend his time doing other things that's his prerogative. No one should spend their life obligated to do things.

I'm not really being super nice, just relating my own experiences to your/his situation and trying to balance all the 'he is an arse' posts

He may just be being an ares about the situation. You may be feeling super frustrated with him. But you are going to have to sit down and discuss it with him (MN judgey knickers firmly locked in a drawer). Either that or just leave him at home when you and your family have a shindig!

Really? I dont agree with that. He loves me he should occasionally do things that are important to me and to our dc. My dc love cousins aunties etc. Dh makes little remarks. I just think it is disrespectful. And unfeeling.

Two thoughts firstly phone his mum and ask if she knows what is going on - she sounds lovely and like she will be horrified by his attitude to family.

Secondly say that you cant possibly ask your mother to do childcare for free when their father can't treat her with respect and you expect him to investigate and visit all local nurseries so that you can get this sorted. Also that the cost of this comes out of HIS spare cash.

This is not on, we live close to my parents and they help with childcare, DH would never underestimate how much that helps contribute to our happy balanced lives.

He sounds a little like my DBs partner, she doesn't visit with him ever time and runs hot and cold when she does. I think part of the reason she gets annoyed is that we cheerily refuse to acknowledge her weird behaviour and ruin the impact of her moods by being all polite and respectful regardless of what we get back from her.

DP and I grumble slightly about seeing each other's families, we both have big families, both are lovely but we feel like we do enough family time with our own lot! So we dip in and out of meet ups with each other's families. I'd say we join in about half the time and if one of us is slacking we point it out. It has to be fair surely.

Your situation sounds very unfair. I'd be massively hurt if DP branded my family boring dorks and refused to see them. Especially if he's happy to move his mum in for a couple of months! Utterly selfish. Tell him straight.

I was sort of with your DH to begin with. His family are perfectly nice but I just don't get on with them, we don't have much in common and I would be really stressed and miserable if I was expected to spend lots of time with them. 6 times a year isn't that much though.

But then I read the bit about you hosting his mum for nine weeks! Have you pointed out that you won't be doing that again if he can't make an effort with your family?

How about a compromise - he comes to half the family gatherings and not the other half?

All I am saying is he may see it differently like this:

He loves me he should occasionally do things that are important to me and to our dc.
She loves me she should accept that I just don't like the company of her family all the time

My dc love cousins aunties
OUR DCs love their cousins and aunties, I don't want to spoil their fun being a miseryguts

Dh makes little remarks. I just think it is disrespectful. And unfeeling.
DW looks at me like I am mad. I just want her to understand, but she isn't listening

It might help to see it from another perspective. It might help explain his actions as less rude, more not coping.

His comment 'that is your arrangement' suggests to me that he is feeling sidelined. Just because you love the way your family is being wonderful and generous does not prevent him from feeling differently. He obviously does or you wouldn't be feeling so exasperated with him.

I don't think for a second my BIL loves meeting up with us (which we probably do about 4 times a year) but he's unfailingly polite and is a good host even though I suspect he would rather be on his own!

Tis the sign of a mature man with a degree of thought for thier partner and children and a modicum of social skills.

I'm very uncomfortable with declarations of "If you loved me you'd..." It just smacks of controlling to me.

Lucked your sil does sound the same. I dont care if he skips most things, I just want him to be nice. I dont want to be worried that he will be rude to one of my siblings. Or off in the corner sulking like a bloody teenager. None of my family, btw, have ever passed comment.

have you checked his phone recently?
i only ask as this " checking out" of familial commitments is common in some splits

Perhaps he would like to pay for someone else to do the childcare your mum currently does?

Is everything fine apart from this one thing?

If so maybe if he's in a 4 out of 10 mood just let him off attending for everyone's sake.

Yup I had a partner like that for 13 years, I have a family like yours. eventually one of the reasons I left him was his disrespect towards my family.

Well there has to be a reason. We don't know. He does.

If he's rude 40% of the time I'd take the easy route and agree that it would be better not to spend time with them. I'm sure they won't miss him. And you'll probably enjoy get togethers more because you won't have to worry about his mood. It sounds like a win.

Sadly the lose is that you will have less respect for him and like him a little bit less but he seems to be prepared to endure that eventuality so I'd just go with it.

If he's just being an attention seeking arse then ignore ignore ignore. Stop pleading and arguing it feeds his little monster. Agree with him and take no offence. It's nothing to do with you or your family its all about him.

And a bit of reverse psychology here would work wonders I bet.

Yes I am thinking along the same lines as Crystal. My DCousin (Sarah) is very close to her mum. Her mum moved to be 2 doors away. Her mother behaves like she is the other parent for Sarah's son. When we have family get togethers, Sarah's mother announces; 'What Sarah and I do with DS is...' Dead silence from the father of Sarah's DS, who is sidelined.

Maybe your DH just feels sidelined?

Part of me thinks fair enough, he doesn't enjoy their company, you do so that's all fine.

Another part of me wonders what has brought about this change. I think he needs to answer that. I'm also reminded of an uncle (by marriage) who suddenly decided he didn't like us, his wife's family, and he no longer spent time with us. You can guess how he was spending this new found time, the not-liking-us was just a cover story.