DH and my lovely family

[germinal]

Will try and be short! I have a lovely and large family. We get together maybe six times a year (3 ds 1db and partners). We live close to my parents and ds and I see them often. Children see cousins and grandparents at least twice a week. DM minds DS2 four days a week. Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I dont ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????

Thanks so much mumsnetters. Have taken all comments on board to consider. Wont file divorce papers yet.... xxxxxx

What a silly man.

I would give anything to have what you and he has. I miss having that extended family link and being able to share it with a partner.

My exH and I separated/divorced 8 years ago and I've split from my long term partner.

I feel so envious of families now. It's just me and my DSs and although we have a great family I always feel the 'odd one out' as I'm on my own.

Good luck, germinal :-)

"I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life."

I find that really strange.

I'd care if my husband didn't like my family & would try & see what could be done, not expect things to carry on as they always had been.

Maybe he doesn't dislike them OP, just had enough of the current dynamic & wants things to change.

I often say on here that I dislike my ILs.

Truth be told I find them hard work & don't enjoy spending time with them.

Fortunately I don't see them often as we are abroad, but it's always a great relief when a visit is over.

when I pointed out that dm watches ds 4 days a week he said "that is your arrangement".

Is this true though? Did you both discuss childcare options or did you organise it with your Mum and then present it as a done deal?

I think every holiday with your family is too much, maybe he wants the chance to spend Christmas just with you and the DCs.

What does your mum looking after her GS have to do with anything?

I know it helps you both, but presumably she wants to.

As for his mum staying for so long-were you OK with that?

If not-don't do it!

I don't think that he should have to see your family because your mum gives childcare & his mum stayed with you though.

I agree diddl I think the childcare issue is separate.

The mum and childcare was, I think, one of those instances when he might have felt he hadn't been involved, that OPs family had organised things around him.

But we don't know. OP needs to sit down and talk to him (and get the image of him being a fuckwit out of her head )

I can see the view that he should do it for Ops sake.

But then I can also see the view that life's too short!

When we visit UK, we visit parents together and separately.

Suits everyone tbh.

Op would your family be very offended if he saw them less?

It's nice when everyone gets on, but would people really be bothered if he sees them less?

If so, would it be for appearances sake or because they like to see him?

I'll tell you honestly that if I had to have a "big family get together" with my dh's family (or mine for that matter) I would find that a bit much!

Once a year is plenty afaic.

No 6 times a year is not much IMO.
Your DH sounds sulky and immature.
I would let him get on with it (ie. leave him out) and the chances are he will start to feel left out and want to be involved again.
Advise him he is only welcome if he brings some respect and manners along with him.
PS. Very envious of your family set up.
Good luck!

Without having read the entire thread, I can just speak from personal experience. My Ex had a huge extended family and it was always the same people at every party and the parties were frequent, I did find it a bit wearing.

That is no excuse for him being rude to anyone, but I don't think it's fair to insist that he attend every event.

I can recognise your situation. We are also Anglo-celts.

I have my own large family and in the gathering ,which are nothing like 6 times per year , often there will be an in-law or two missing. Nothing is ever remarked upon about this .

Dh also has a large family. I like them all on a one-to-one basis. I hate with a passion the big get-togethers though. I resolved years ago to limit my attendance at these as I got nothing out of them except feeling stressed and a rictus grin from trying to look polite when really I felt like sticking knives into the lot of them. I feel much calmer now .

I have one relative who has never attended his PILs christmas or birthday parties but chooses instead to go to his own DMs for a quiet dinner and snooze. Everyone is happy with this arrangement as they can all enjoy themselves equally.

People are allowed to like or dislike people and situations and to work out for themselves who they want to spend time with. I think if your DH is given time to himself he will choose the times he wants to spend with your family and will be all the better company for it. Of course, when his DM comes to stay again you also have the same courtesy extended to you...

I think it's fine for your DH to limit the get togethers tbh, but not fine at all to be rude.

Um..what's an "Anglo Celt?"

livingzuid
The problem might not actually be the family but how he sees you and his family unit interacting iyswim.

I think he is, however, expressing himself very poorly and using language which is not pleasant.

I agree with this. From the information provided, I'd question whether your dh actively dislikes your family as much as he suggests. It sounds instead like he resents the frequency and depth of family interaction and the fact that you and your family's lives are so deeply entwined. When your dh spends time with your family, perhaps his feelings are also coloured by the thought of preferring to do other things. His words to you sound like an attempt to control something that he feels he has no other means of controlling.

Could you talk to your dh, and get him to better express his feelings and consider some sort of compromise?

I wonder if he just wants to have the choice sometimes, and I mean a real choice. What would HE like to do?

It would drive me crazy for there to be an assumption that we do x at Christmas and we can't possibly miss the traditional egg-hunt at Easter.

And I don't mean 'have the option to go or stop and home'. I mean, 'if you could plan your ideal Christmas, what would it be?'

Also, I wonder whether he just feels like a total spare part when everyone has their script and he's just supposed to enjoy it on everyone else's terms.

Stop at home

Tbh I wouldn't want to spend my Xmas, Boxing Day, Easter etc with people I don't like. It's one thing make allowances for family, another's when it trashes your own important family days.

Christmas is our big get together, and, to accommodate inlaws it is every other Christmas. We might get together a bit through the year but there is only one biggie.

How would you feel/react op if he wanted to stay at home with just your nuclear family at Christmas? If he doesn't want to go, and you usually spend the day with them what's going to be the approach/compromise?

Could it be that he feels guilty spending time with your family what with his mum living some distance away.

I have a big family and we see each other most days, our lives are intertwined to quite and extent and I can see how it could rankle people if we weren't aware of the fact it could easily rankle people.

I'm normally a bit suspicious of men trying to detach their wives from contact with family, but I must say I have a certain amount of sympathy for the OP's DH (not for his snippy behaviour though, that's out of order). I mean, every Christmas with the in-laws? Spare us that, however nice they are!

My dad was one of a very large family, and as we had the largest house they held every event at ours. My mother loved them dearly, but after several weekends on the trot of various relatives dropping in, finding other relatives already there, and it morphing into a party - jolly though that was for us youngsters - she was driven to say "I want to spend at least a month not having to entertain anyone by the name of Gun!" (I think she was a little extra miffed because my dad was funny about any of her friends coming round, in case they were judging us or something .) After that it was much reduced, probably not even one major gathering a year. We did visit them all regularly by turns, though.

XH nipped the visiting in the bud after we married, but that's another story which I doubt is relevant here...

op I feel for your DH, from your posts your family all seem too much.
I should imagine he feels isolated by your attitude that your family are all great and hurt that you don'tseem to want to spend special days as your small nuclear family.

6 times a year is a lot
talking to your family every day is a lot

Another one saying they are there all the time.
Do let him opt out. Other people's families can be hard work, however much you love them. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you.