DH and my lovely family

[germinal]

Will try and be short! I have a lovely and large family. We get together maybe six times a year (3 ds 1db and partners). We live close to my parents and ds and I see them often. Children see cousins and grandparents at least twice a week. DM minds DS2 four days a week. Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I dont ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????

6 times a year for a low key meal out or something at yours or theirs seems completely reasonable. 6 times a year for a huge family get together sounds both exhausting and overwhelming. I see my in-laws, who I don't especially like about once every six weeks for a meal or they come over after DD gets home from school and have dinner with us or (occasionally, like twice a year) we go to theirs on a Sunday for lunch. We do Christmas at theirs every other year. There is no way on God's green earth I'd be prepared to have Christmas at theirs every year because I'm afraid I find them very boring. They're not nasty people, I just don't really get on with them. I have to say, I feel a bit sorry for your DH and in his shoes I would want to opt out of some of the big get togethers, too.

Thanks everyone. Lot to digest. Will definately let dh opt out morr frequently.

Those saying our family "a bit much" and "too intertwined" . I think many sisters are close, many adults spend time with parents etc. I am not asking dh to be involved in that but he has no right (nor is he) to ask me to be less involved with ny own family.

Of course he was involved in childcare discussion!! Ha!! He is not some dude sitting around henpecked by wife and mil.... that is definitely not the situation

Oh Dear God! You have reminded me of Christmases Past with XH family when we all had to play games. It was absolute torture.

Ahahahahahahahahaha! Bum slap ritual and acorn throwing?!?!

Yes, I remember that one. Not entirely sure I believed it, mind you.

Blimey. I'm with you op. I would hate DH to be like this.

DH is no fan of my dad, but he knows dad adores the kids so he always puts a smile on his face, has a chat before disappearing, and this is 52 times a year at least. He would never expect me to see less of my family.

Your family sound lovely.

Germinal, I get your setup completely because its how we work as a family and we're happy though I do understand that to some it may seem too much, but I suspect its one of those things you have to be living before you understand it well.

Im not convinced that your husband is unhappy with the arrangements because the timing is too convenient, I think its more than likely he's missing his mum a bit more than he used to (none of us are getting any younger) and he's kicking back a bit because of the role yours play in your joint life together.

Its great his mum can come and stay with you for so long so perhaps now is the time to say lets have her over again soon, you could also suggest to him that you all go and see her a bit more.

I'm of the opinion this isn't the time to be backing off from family, its the time to be levelling the playing field a bit more by encouraging more contact with your MIL.

I agree, he, s probably got Inlaws Overload.

Do you ever discuss how you will spend Xmas, Easter etc. or is it always a done deal?

I would find that amount of interaction with my ILs clausterphobic too.

I agree with Iflyaway and others re Inlaws Overload, and I don't think it's necessarily anything to do with how nice they are, or aren't - does he often have trouble expressing himself or was he trying to be mean?

Sorry, germinal, but I am more with your DH than you on this one. An ex-girlfriend of mine had a very close family. She spoke to her mum on the phone on a daily basis. Every bank holiday she, her two brothers (plus their wives) and her sister always went home for family gatherings plus other weekends throughout the year at which every Friday night they had a big dinner party and on the Saturday night all went out to the same Italian restaurant and on the Sunday all went out for a big walk. They were lovely people but myself and the two wives often used to escape to the garden or other room because it was just TOO much. They were quite smothering but because they had always behaved like that, that's what they did.

I went to the ex-girlfriend's cousin's wedding at which I had umpteen aunts and uncles come up to me and say they were amazed I was still around because they knew how smothering the family set up was for 'outsiders'.

They were lovely people but it was all very claustrophobic, especially for me who is an only child with almost no family.

If his mum lives overseas and he rarely sees her, I can imagine the constant overload (which, for a lot of people, it would be) does bring that into sharp focus.

I don't think he's a fuckwit and if your own sister felt sorry for him that one time and thinks your family set up is weird (which I am sure she means in the respect that you are all a lot closer than the majority of families) then I do think you are possibly not seeing the bigger picture.

I can't see this issue straight because I am close to my family and speak with my mum every day on the phone but several things stick out to me:

He is rude to them or withdrawn 40% of the time- this is absolutely pathetic! I don't always love spending time with my IL's but I would never ever disrespect them by sulking or looking withdrawn. Basically he is spoiling one or two events a year by his behaviour and he doesn't even have to go to that many.

I don't find 5/6 times for contact much in a whole year. That's less than every two months. Again- politeness and courtesy is not too much to ask infrequently especially when you are exceptionally nice to his mum for a 9 week period.

He is also utterly hypocritical about being happy for your mum to be a childcarer and then bitch about her being around all the time/not liking her. What an insult to her kindness, she has saved him tens of thousands of pounds and he doesn't even like her. I would be seriously thinking about stopping this arrangement and calling his bluff.

If he genuinely feels the family needs rebalancing and you need to spend more time just as a nuclear unit, then he should stop his own mother coming for over two months, pay for a nursery and stop your mum wasting her time contributing to your family unit.

My husband sometimes finds my family a bit claustrophobic, and doesn't attend every family event, but he is ALWAYS kind and polite to my family when they visit or vice versa and would never ever make them feel unwanted. He knows that my happiness is to a large extent dependent on their happiness and doesn't make me choose between them. I also support him with his family which includes long holidays with them which I might prefer to spend elsewhere.

I suspect your husband is dissatisfied with his life in general, and is looking in his middle-age grump at possible objects to blame, so has fixed on your family- my guess is if you stopped your mum coming around, and spent far less time with them he would still be unhappy and critical, what do you think?

Also- I think saying he doesn't like your family and he is never going again is exceptionally childish, like a toddler having a paddy. I don't much like my MIL, wouldn't spend time with her if I had a choice, but she is my husband's mother and I would never ever say to him I don't like her (he says it quite often, I say 'mmmm') and would never see her again. He would be very very hurt by this and it's just not ok to say this type of thing.

I have a different view of family though than some on this thread- we have a close family, and also a family that undertakes childcare and caring for the older members of the family (having them live in our homes, visit them pretty much every day), so our lives are naturally entwined, a twice yearly visit would be anathema to us.

I would be interested to know what your husband envisages happening in relation to caring for his own mother if she becomes too ill to live alone- ask him? (I have a good idea and think it blows out of the water any idea he's not family oriented, he just wants you to care for his family and not your own).

Am ever so please the previous poster, like me, doesn't think 5/6times in a year for contact/get togethers is too much.

Phew.

Granny the thing is if you are doing childcare for your grandchildren that is a huge huge advantage for them, but it inevitably means lives more entwined and much more contact, you know, what with them caring for your own children pretty much every day- to then be so ungrateful, say you dislike them and refuse to go to any events, it's just unbelievably rude and I think if the parents got wind of this hostility, they may well want to withdraw their services, as they are offering believing they are all part of one big happy helping family, and if that's not the case, then if it were me I would stop doing childcare and limit interaction to the odd event, I wouldn't go in a house where I wasn't wanted to care for the ungrateful man's children for free!

Then I see my mum at least once a week so I am obviously some type of weirdo!

I think we can kid ourselves on that we would stop looking after our grandchildren if family dynamics changed, but I know I never could not look after them or see them as often as I could. I'm lucky enough to get my hands on them everyday and hope to be able to for a long time to come.

Im really thankful that I live in a place where being a closely entwined family is seen as the norm, and very similar to what I grew up with in the UK in my Irish/Scottish family.

See, Thenapoleanofcrime's OH is polite and nice to her family and Germinal's will be too, once he too is given the option to opt out without a fuss.

He may be currently acting like a 4 year old for all of the reasons people have given. Once he is heard, has his moment in the sun, so to speak, he too could become a lovely polite man again!

It isn't a case of right and wrong, just what any one of us can cope with. Germinal's OH apparently can't cope with her family at the moment. I know how he feels, as does my DH. We have given ourselves and each other permission to opt out as and when... it is much easier to decide on an ad hoc basis if today is a coping day or not!

I don't think 6 times a year is much however big or close your family.

Whether he likes them or not is not really relevant, he's an adult, they're your family, he should manage to be polite. He doesn't have to go to everything but he should at least not behave like a sulky teen.

If you were from a S.European country, or you were Jewish, or from an Indian or Arab cultures - all of which these have a much stronger sense of family than the UK - what you describe would be standard. Family get on your nerves & drive you crazy, but you just get on with it.

He already does opt out, the OP makes it clear she doesn't expect him to attend every time, just very occasionally and on big occasions and to be polite. This is so minimal an expectation for a spouse that's supposed to love you, it's pathetic.

He has managed to be polite about 3 days a year- she has just had his mother there for 9 weeks (approx 80 days) in one go!

Sorry, I would be calling him on this one. If he hates family so much and wishes to reprioritise his own nuclear family, fine, no more visits for MIL beyond his three day tolerance.

He is choosing to pander to his lack of tolerance, I'm guessing he would go mad if the OP also chose to develop a lack of tolerance of his mother and her extensive visits. Something gone wrong in this relationship, power-wise.

then her MiL/his DM lives a long way overseas. It is probably the case that a trip to the UK can only be undertaken every few years in which case 9 weeks is quite standard. When my dm goes to NZ and Oz she will go for 12 weeks every two to three years and vice versa when relatives come over. Even from Asia/Canada etc it is a big trip not possible on a regular basis unless you have millions in the bank.

Six times a year for big gatherings is a lot if you take into account the daily contact. What is not clear is how much the OP is putting her family first ie DM, sisters etc, at the expense of her own core family unit which should be DH and DCs. He may well be frustrated with that rather than the family members themselves. He should, however, be respectful and deal with the problem he has in a somewhat more, I suppose, intelligent manner than he has thus far. I imagine it is hurtful for the op to hear her family being called boring etc.

9 weeks is 63 days.
9 x 7 = 63

thenapoleanofcrime thanks for your posts. They really reflect how I feel. I dont expect, or want, dh to get involved in my family other than half a dozen times per year.

To those saying "six times a year PLUS OP talks to them daily" I don't see how the frequency with which I talk to my sisters/mother is any of his business!! It might seem excessive to some but as it doesnt involve dh, and I dont report back, how is it relevant?

Why do I owe DH more loyalty and concern than I owe my mother? Isnt she part of my "core family unit"

Btw dh does not want ME to spend less time with my family. He thinks my (and our childrens) relationship with them is nice. He just does not want to see them and is being mean about it. I think that is ridiculous and unfair.

germinal - your last question is an interesting one. I have seen many threads in the past on MN where, actually, your DH and children would be classed as your core and primary family unit and your mother would be secondary.

I think the problem, OP, is that you have a particular family dynamic. That's fine. But not every family has that dynamic. YOU regard it as normal and usual because that is what you are used to. Those who don't have such a close bond will regard THEIR family arrangement as normal and usual. You will never quite see someone else's viewpoint on this and perhaps some of us won't either. You don't see why you speaking to your mum every day is relevant whereas many of us think it is relevant. Doesn't mean anyone is right or wrong but it can blinker us at times.

At the end of the day, OP, he married YOU and not your family.