DH and my lovely family

[germinal]

Will try and be short! I have a lovely and large family. We get together maybe six times a year (3 ds 1db and partners). We live close to my parents and ds and I see them often. Children see cousins and grandparents at least twice a week. DM minds DS2 four days a week. Except for occasions (christmas, easter, big bdays) I dont ask or expect DH to attend family get togethers. However tonight he has declared he "doesn't like them (my family) and will leave me to attend most things alone. I think that is ridiculous. I don't care if he doesn't like them, they are kind and generous people and a huge part of my life and the dc life. I expect him to attend family things and be kind. Ffs. Aibu????

I do let him off mostly! As I say, 6 times a year (is that a lot??). They have never been unkind to him, he dislikes them for superficial reasons (bil boring, sil talks too much). Who cares? Do I like all my work colleagues? NO!! I am kind and respectful because it is what it is and that is how adults behave. IMHO.

Yes, but you are not really expected to socialise with work colleagues to that extent. TBH, it sounds to me like he is just fed up with having them around all the time, and you in each other's pockets. Maybe there IS more to it than that. Also, tbh you seem to be placing them first in this whole discussion. Maybe he is a bit sick of that too. Maybe he wants to be a small, family unit, without everyone else once in a while.

I think the 6 times a year is a bit of a red herring if you have daily contact with your sisters and mother (I appreciate your mum is providing childcare). How much contact on a daily basis does your dh have with your family?

Nope, does not feel sidelined. He only sees them SIX TIMES A YEAR! When I spend time with dm and ds he would be at work or otherwise indisposed. He does not feel like my family are taking away his family. Dm in no way pushy, showy or takeover type . She is very quiet. Bit insecure. She really likes dh. Thinks he is great

I think Nomama makes a very good point.

One of the problems with this sort of thing is that for OP anything other than agreement with her about how great her family is will be seen as being negative and snippy.

I would find that level of contact with family overbearing. Of course when something is irritating repetition makes one hit the irritation button quicker and quicker. This then makes it harder to remain polite when you are a seething mass of irritation.

Why does he care whose pocket I live in when he is at work or not around?

OP, I am not sure you are listening. I think what gnome has just said- her last para is possibly really key to this.

when you say your DH sees them 6 times a year- what kind of visits are they? Major holidays? Family 'reunions' (my personal extreme bugbear?) Weeks away?

Hmmmm. Ok. Maybe I am wrong. Perhaps he can forego family things in the future. I just feel a bit sad about it. My sisters and brother, as I have said, married compatible types. Dh definately odd one out .... Also he knows I love them. It seems mean to tell me he dislikes them.

OP. It IS hard when the people you love are at odds.

Does he care about you spending time with them when he's not around?

I'm not sure what the actual problem is any more.

6 times a year would be Christmas Day, Boxing day, Easter Sunday (egg hunt), DM birthday, DF birthday, miscellaneous occasion like wedding, overseas departure, etc.

waves

er ...affair warning klaxon?

Nope, pleased when I spend tine with them when he is not around as he gets some alone time . Thinks the kids having close cousins is brilliant.Issue is only his participation in my family life. AIBU to expect him to participate and be polite? Is he BR refusing to attend my family get togethers because he finds the whole thing annoying? Vote please....

oh fgs ANSWER ME

I am starting to feel for your H

While I don't think a big get together 6 times a year is excessive, if I were your DH I would find the day-to-day living in each other's pockets too much to be honest. It would drive me nuts.

But having said that there is absolutely no excuse for home to be rude to them or yin

Leave him home to sulk then.

Cynical me thinks he chose his moment well to announce he hated your family ... it's pretty damn manipulative to wait until his own mother has left having spent 90 days in your house being looked after by you. He spared himself being directly pulled up on his hypocrisy and double standards.

TBH, I love my PILs but 9 weeks with them staying they would currently be staying permanently- in the back yard under the patio.

So you spend every single Christmas and every single Easter with your family? I would find that intolerable.

Why don't you just spend it with your own nuclear family? DH should not have to spend every Christmas with his inlaws, especially if he doesn't like them.

Can you compromise here and suggest he sees them maybe 3 times a year and is nice, but that you will not spend all the major holidays with them?

So you never have a Christmas day just your little family unit? That would drive me to the brink personally. I think you're expecting too much from him really. Maybe he's just not the type to enjoy being so involved in extended family.

Prior to his mum coming recently when was the last time he saw / spoke to her?

Christmas Day AND Boxing Day? Every year? When do you spend time with his family over the holidays? Is he maybe pissed off that your family has taken over all big holiday days?

FWIW- I like my in-laws. They are a small family - MIL, PIL, SIL and DH (plus SIL's DH). DH naturally feels that they are 'lovely', that they are all 'compatible' etc etc. But they are not 'compatible' with me and MY (large) family. All will get along and be polite, if necessary- but my Dad and one of my brothers have quietly and politely asked me not to include them (my Dad and brother, that is) at Christmas etc, because they feel sidelined by my ILs. And I myself sometimes feel overwhelmed by them. Usually I am polite, willing to go along with things- and then every now and then it's like I reach tipping point and I back off for a while.

The point is, you probably aren't aware of how much your family impacts on him, because you think they can do no wrong. 6 times a year IS too much, if it's going to be every year forever, every big holiday.

Sorry troymcclure what was your question? was it checking his phone? I dont really check his phone. Would be surprised if it revealed much.