DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

You need to have a serious chat with him It maybe that he was happy with you giving up work but is no longer happy It is a big responsibility to be the only earner and it may be he wants to share the load

Is he feeling less secure at work - is there a possibility (however faint) that there may be redundancies?

He's out of order imo. Congratulations on your studying for a phd. Is he jealous/threatened by that perhaps?
It sounds very much like my exh, nothing you do is right. The fact is, you made a joint decision, you've held up your side of the bargain and are now taking steps towards working again.
I'd make less effort to please him, not more tbh. Tell him he can do half the housework and childcare arrangements etc if you go back to work FT. We could all potentially be earning a big salary with a wife at home doing everything else.
And as for will he ever stop using it as a weapon, no is my guess, sorry to say. But may be projecting, as mine left me for a career woman with no kids and I'm still the 'baddie' many years post divorce

Dd he expect it to be for as long as seven years I wonder? I know he's not hard up but I do think he feels resentment. He's stressed out and he cannot see all that you put into running the home.

You need to talk to him.

Talk about your hopes and dreams maybe? Perhaps say to him that he sounds as if he hates his job and resents being the only earner, why don't you both set a date for him to stop work and have some time as a SAHD? Or perhaps to retire? Or is it his turn to retrain?

I don't think so crumpet, he's just changed jobs and he is very senior.
I agree Rangirl, it is a heavy responsibility, which is why I aim to get a decent job once I have qualified.

I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

Sometimes people like a whinge and aren't looking for advice. Maybe that's why he sees it as being unsupportive.

Other than that ask him what he would like to do if he is not happy in his current situation. Would he like to work part-time, downgrade to a less pressured job with less money? Give up work and you go back to your old job and downgrade your lifestyle accordingly? Maybe you could say that once you are finished retraining you could support him while he takes over the childcare and housework while pursuing a change of career (while adjusting down your lifestyle to match)?

There are stresses to being the homemaker and a student and there are stresses to being the breadwinner. There are also stresses particular to our individual character types eg having it instilled by parents that money = success.

Maybe just remind him firmly each time that his job is separate from whatever the subject at hand is and can we just concentrate on that just now.

Some good points waffly. Thanks. I think I will try and resist with the advice and just be more validating. There is no way I can return to my old career as it was technology related and I am way out of touch.

I think that some workaholics know they are not striking the correct work/home balance and choose the blame others rather a than admitting they are doing more than is required at work because that actually enjoy it but need it to be for the sake of the family to justify it, rather than because they are indulging in what they want to do.

Point out that his huge salary will help him pay his child support if he keeps fucking going on about it!!!

My high flying dh got a shock when I went back to work and not only did he have to have a day off in my first week as dd was ill, he had to mop the floors at the weekend.

I am enjoying being back at work now and it has definitely given him an insight into just what has to be done in order to keep things ticking over. Finishing work early once every six weeks to take dd to braces appointment. Phoning netball to book into team etc.

Yes, I would tell him that he will be doing half the days off work for sick children, half the housework and cooking when you go back to work and see if that suits him better than the current arrangement.

It is completely unacceptable to keep browbeating you with this, particularly when it is actually a very cushy number for him - someone at home to manage the kids' needs and keep his home comfortable and clean for him, so he doesn't have to do it.

And I never get this "being the sole earner is very stressful". I don't think it is at all. Much more stressful constantly worrying about getting back in time to collect children, which one of you will have to piss off their employer the next time one of them is ill etc etc. The nanny being ill so you are completely fucked frankly.

And I have been in all positions - main breadwinner, two breadwinners and not being main breadwinner.

It sounds as if your husband is in an extremely well paid jobs. Usually the trade off for this is high pressure and the expectation that they are constantly available-it probably isn't as easy as just 'delegate' or manage working hours.
He is probably expected to be in the laptop/email throughout the weekend. Particularly if he has recently been promoted.

If, in addition to this, his wife is complaining about him having the laptop (or whatever) out at the weekend, I can see why he might get a bit frustrated.
I am not saying he is right, I would hate to live like this and my DH who had quite a high paid, high pressure job took a step down when we had a family to get a better work/life balance.
Would you be happy for your DH to do this even if it meant you taking the kids out if private school, getting a job yourself etc?

Lots of partners do difficult demanding jobs without belittling their spouses. If he can't handle the pressure or organise himself an hour between the end of his working day and being at home to de-stress and chill out he is not very smart.

He would be moaning more if you weren't academic or inclined to retrain whatsoever so hang onto the prospect of qualifying and after the second grump of every 24 hours time he opens his mouth to complain say, "Yes dear and I'm very grateful".

To certain minds salaried work has a prestige that unsalaried lacks. I wonder how much DH will pitch in when you are also working.

If he is hunched over the laptop during evenings and weekends that means he is available to mind the DCs while you go out. It needn't be anywhere special but as he doesn't want to interact I don't see why you should go short on entertainment. After all it is good practice for when you will need to stay out late or travel away or be out networking.

Maybe you should take advantage of the holiday home and go over when you can. As what you do is such a doddle he should find it easy enough to sort out domestic arrangements.

Unfortunately there's a risk that once a whinger, always a whinger.When the time comes you do go out to work he may switch tactics altogether.

Have you tried the old trick of working out how much he would have to pay for a live-in nanny, housekeeper, taxi service, secretary, and all the other things you handle when he's not there, if you didn't exist? Or even if you concentrated on your studies full time as many students have the luxury of doing.

Sounds like you're working pretty hard actually, or steadily at least. Just not being paid for it yet (and you're even working towards that).

TheEnchantedForest - taking the kids out of private school is out of the question, certainly for two of them because they are at secondary school and it would be too disruptive. If we sold the holiday house then that money would see them through even without his salary, but he would never do that because that would be eroding capital. I would like him to ease off and do something less stressful when I get a job, but I don't know if that will happen. I suspect it is just a stick to beat me with rather than, him not wanting to do this type of job.

Does he have any idea what will happen to your smoothly run life when you do get a job?

Will he just carry on with his long hours while you do too much?

"Will he just carry on with his long hours while you do too much?"

Yes, basically. Me working full time won't make any difference to him. I take care of the house, admin, childcare, dog etc, or I arrange for extra help where needed. He pays for it all. I'm not complaining about this, because to be honest, I have a great life, and go out when I want to. And have the good fortune to be able to retrain for a second career, all funded by him. Most of the time, he is fine with this, and very supportive, but any time there is a cross word, even if it is about something entirely different, it gets dragged up as if I am a scrounger frittering away all his hard earned cash.

I think I'd find it difficult to stomach funding someone else's (fairly luxurious?) lifestyle. The kids are at school, you work 2 days per week, study & do the housework. That's still a lot of time for yourself.

'Is it so wrong that one of us works and one of us doesn't?'

Yep.

Is he living to work or working to live? You already know the answer. You need to say his work/life balance is not in line with family life and that you and the dc would love to spend more time with him.

If he doesn't change then I guess you've got some choices to make. I mean whats he trying to do kill the love you have for him? Because that's where this is heading if something doesn't give. He is showing a strong lack of interest in you by spending his free time on his own enjoyment.

Good luck with it all

It's incredibly insulting that he doesn't value the work you do to enable him to work the long hours in a stressful job that he does! If it weren't for you 12 hour days wouldn't be an option as he'd have to help sort out the kids, do housework, admin etc. etc.

What is he going to do about the stress and pressure he is under in his own job if you start working?

I can't see how the simple fact of you also working is going to change anything if he doesn't also change jobs.

It will just be the same, with childcare thrown in, and probably a less well organised homelife to boot.

'Is it so wrong that one of us works and one of us doesn't?'

Yes, when it's only what one of you wants. He's clearly unhappy where's it suits you to not do any paid work and have lots of free time. Looking after your own children and doing housework is nowhere near as hard as a high stress job and being the sole earner. You clearly state you have a great life as he provides for every aspect of it.

Decide together how you can take the pressure off him, does he want to swap roles, down grade etc? Both of your opinions matter, not just one.

I don't have "lots of free time". I am working 2 days per week and the rest of the time trying to complete a doctorate. That is pretty full on with 3 kids as well. I said I enjoy my life but I don't have lots of free time.