DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

You need to sit down with him with a pen and a weekly planner.
Tell him you are going back to work full time so you need to sort certain things out.
Ask him what days he wants to do school drop offs/pick ups; which evenings is he going to cook; which chores does he want to do at the weekends( cleaning toilets or ironing) etc etc.
Oh, don't forget to remind him that there are 13 weeks school Hols so he needs to decide which of those he wants to book off work to look after HIS DCs, at least 50/ 50.
If he really wants you to work full time he needs to do his fair share of housework and child care.

Whats hard?7yr not working.3yr studying pt?gosh yes its a grind...

AChicken - I do realise I am in a privileged position. If things were different, and I was a single mum, of course I would have to get whatever work I could and I wouldn't have the chance to do what I'm doing.

I earned a fair bit in my previous career, we were together for ages without kids and both working full time and as a result we have a good financial position. I did contribute to this and I contribute now in a non-financial way. So whilst my DH supports me I think I did help set up this position in the first place. So I don't feel horribly dependent on him. It feels like a partnership not a dependent leechy kind of thing. But I appreciate others see it differently and it is useful to get other perspectives.

But you're relying on historical used to work to justify not working,when he sole earner
Referring back to your historical,past contribution doesn't address the present discord
Do you plan to work on finishing course,or is it delaying to say you will

Sorry, I thought I had said it a couple of times already. Yes, I plan to work when I'm finished.

Best wishes with your studies and career when you complete
Youre both v fortunate to be solvent with no financial worries

Viviennemary - what compromise can you suggest for me?

scottishmummy you have a doctorate yourself, I assume? So you speak from experience when you imply that 3-4 years' work and writing an 80,000 word thesis is the equivalent of fitting in a spa pamper day while also working part-time and running a household?

She doesn't work.off 7ys, study for 3yrs.its not been a 7yr study period

Viviennemary obviously has a good sense of humour.

I almost thought you were serious VM. Well played!

Oh dear Buster. Don't you know that the term "running a household" is not the done thing on MN?

Op, i think your dh is being a bit of a dick. Unless he is willing to step it up at home, he shouldnt be throwing being the sole earner back at you.

FFS where do the OP's posts suggest that she is the one unwilling to compromise? Her DH won't entertain any discussion of changing his working hours or practices, insisted on making an unnecessary major financial outlay with no discussion, and shuts the OP down if she disagrees with him. And you think she is the unreasonable one?

Financial contribution to a household is not defined solely in terms of earnings. The OP is contributing to the financial status of the household by preventing expenditure. Would you say that someone setting a budget, finding ways to save money etc wasn't contributing to a household's finances?

The OP is not refusing to work. She has gone to considerable lengths to retrain and make it possible for her to re-enter the workplace given that by her own admission she was unable to return to her previous career.

Whether it's the done thing or not dripty, that is in effect what the OP is doing.

It seems it's not only men who need to read Wifework

I've never seen a SAHM get so much stick for choosing to stay at home on here. So I can only assume that, despite bleatings to the contrary, the real issue here is that she is relatively well off. This always happens on threads where people clearly have a bit of money.

As an aside. I think if my partner wasn't earning and was doing a PhD that I was funding I would perhaps have moments of resentment. It does sound nice.
But since he agreed and you are clearly rich he ought to be a bit nicer. When I win the lottery I'm heading straight back to university :)

I'm guessing since you use the term doctorate that you might be looking at an Ed/clinical psych role. Wishing you the best with your studies.

I really don't get why some mumsnetters feel the need to point out that relationships end so both partners must work. I'll take my chances.

I think that's it. It must be affluence envy. Personally (and as I said up thread) I work full time, and actually I think that's easier than looking after children/ house plus trying to study and look after miserable and unappreciative husband.

I am also hoping to retrain when my youngest starts school and no I won't be working too.

Thanks to everyone who has wished me well with my studies.

I wonder if there would be so much understanding if it were the OP who was the sole earner and her DH was the SAHP

Buster I totally agree with you.
OP you need to make your DH realise that by you working FT HIS workload will increase. Yes you will have more money coming in but HE will have extra work with the housework and childcare. But that seems to be what he wants so go for it.

Sadly I suspect that the only person's whose workload will change when the OP goes back to work will be her own...

I also wish you well in studies OP. My comment about the privilege wasn't an attack but looking at the facts from all sides.

As I said earlier there is no correct answer. I hope you sort it and you've got some insight from this thread on a usually inflammatory topic.

Best wishes