DH resentful about being the sole earner

[TheresARatinMyKitchenWhatAmIGo]

In arguments, DH brings up the fact that I gave up work and that he is the sole earner. He works very hard, feels quite stressed, and if he in any way thinks I am judging him, he brings out this bitterness that I am not earning.

As far as I am concerned this is ancient history. I gave up work 7 years ago, and we agreed it at the time. However, he now remembers it as my unilateral decision. In any case it is usually fairly irrelevant to the argument we are having, but because he feels stressed with work, he always brings it up as a way to score points. Look how hard I work, you're not working etc. And I can’t argue with that because it’s true. So it’s a sure fire winner for him.

He thinks I resent him for working hard and never being around, and that I am unsupportive. Whereas I think I am very supportive, I am very grateful for all his hard work, and I don't give him a hard time about his working hours, or the hours that he spends on hobbies. I merely sometimes express concern about his hours of work, and wish he could manage his job without always working the 12 hour days every day, plus looking at work on his laptop evenings and weekends. I listen to him talking about work and try to help him suggesting he delegates more, sets boundaries around his working hours, stuff like that. But this is unsupportive apparently, and I don't understand.

We are very comfortably off, and although we have huge overheads, private school fees, mortgage, expensive lifestyle, we also have plenty of assets, and his very good salary. When I gave up my job, I had a bit of time as a SAHM and I have been retraining for the last 3 years in a new career. This involves working for no pay a couple of days a week, and studying for a doctorate. At the same time, I look after our 3 children, manage the house and do the cooking and laundry.

He is now giving me a hard time about when my training will be finished, because then I can get a job. I find this pressure unhelpful because it is quite hard to study and do everything else that I do. And we are not hard up. We recently bought a holiday house, because he fancied. it. So it's not like we are struggling because I am not working. If that were the case, I would try and get a job. I think that him bringing this up is a way for him to beat me in arguments and make me feel bad. And diverting the discussion to something he knows he can win. Because I can't really argue, that yes, he earns all the money.

He earns more than I ever did in my previous career. Is it so wrong that one of us works and the other doesn’t? Will he ever get over it or stop using it as a weapon?

Youve got lots of outgoing and one sole wage,thats risky
You've got quite a pampered life you do need to contribute,other than chores
Your kids school all day,that's quite a nice doss for you.not to mention unnecessary

I completely agree with what you say Donkeys, that sounds so right here.

Scottishmummy, you been eating those wind up pills again?

My DH is a rarity, he and I married young and are still together. Most of his colleagues who do his sort of work and married are on wife 3, or playing the field.

This sort of high pressured work just doesn't bode well for a great family life. Together you have to find a way to make this work or the marriage won't survive.

You say you are being supportive - but you're not. You're trying to CHANGE what is going on. By talking about less hours etc you are criticising what he is doing.

Right or wrong, that is the work he has chosen. It is what he is thriving on, stress or not.

But YOU can't suggest ways he can change his work life. You just can't. If it is a decision that gets made, it can only be made by him. Sorry.

You CAN, however, do what you need to do to make it work for you. Knowing he is not likely to be around at times you need to decide how to make the most of it. (Like your study)

Clearly he thinks the holiday house will be a great way to have family time. Maybe it will, maybe it won't. It certainly won't be easy juggling a holiday home. But with planning you could have some great family time together there.

I'd feel the same in his position. Both partners have to agree to this otherwise of course it is totally unfair. Why should one person have the financial responsiblity for the household. Have you posted about this before as I recall a very similar thread. You are an adult and should take financial responsiblity for the household. There's no such thing as a free lunch.

Will your doctorate lead to paid work?you need to stop faffing about

Wow, scottishmummy - what makes you think I am faffing around?

Yes it will lead to paid work. Quite likely NHS or public sector, so not necessarily earning a fortune, but yes it is a good career. I would rather not go into detail.

Youve been off 7 years,3yr pt study.4yr housewife.hes sole earner,you're beneficiary
Are you planning to work with the phd?will it lead to employment
Youve bern off 7yr,whats your plan?what will you add

viviennemary no I have not posted about this before, as far as I remember. So do you disagree in principle with people being stay at home parents?

I think if you were in a full time job, he would resent you for working and not staying at home looking after him and making his life less stressful.

He's taking his stress out on you & thinking the grass would be greener.

I would confront it and say that you could pack your training in and get a full time job, but then he would have to pick up the slack with housework and childcare because you would no longer be available to do it all.

Two parents working full time with 3 children is not likely to be less stressful than the life he has now.

The obvious thing is to ditch the second home and cut your outgoings if he's stressed about his financial responsibilities.

Scottishmummy - I have not been faffing about during this time. I took some time out of work to be a stay at home mum. Our kids were at an age where I felt like they needed me around. My job was not working well with part time hours and childcare was not working well. One of my DDs was struggling at school. Then in 2010 I had another baby. And shortly after this I began my retraining. Which involves work experience placements, coursework and also doctoral research. Hardly faffing about.

Thatll be why you and dh see eye to eye then,your busy schedule

I think you are getting a jealousy backlash op. Ignore it. It's tedious .

Fundamentally dh attitude is unfair. But, maybe after 7 yrs it's worth talking again. It sounds like a while since you communicated about this without recrimination, but with future hope. You know how you talk on holiday? Over a nice meal? With a great view? The plans, the dreams, the hopes?

Op finally, be careful, could sn affair be in the offing? Any chance he's comparing you to another if yet unrequited person....?

A contrary opinion,isnt jealousy.its simply a pov one may not care for or concur with

He'll see soon enough that second homes are a royal pia.

If it brings in a good rental income that's great, but it will be seasonal.
You will simply have 2 boilers to go wrong, 2 roofs to leak, 2 places to be burgled...

It ain't like it is in the movies...

housework, bringing up children, running the home etc is unpaid work but it is still work
hence why people employ nannies, cleaners, housekeepers, PAs and so on.
OP and her spouse agreed she'd take on this role, which is unpaid, while he will work FT which is paid. She's fulfilled her half of the bargain, sacrificing her own career and supporting his high paid job, which has no doubt been easier for him in terms of stress levels and career progression than say the position pinkpeonyis in.

Now kids are older she's already retraining and working PT while still doing all the other stuff.

imo if couples have sufficient money for a nice lifestyle its a very understandable choice that one will be home to be there for the kids enabling the other to focus on career.

I find comments like 'he's sole earner you're beneficiary' as if paid work is the only work that counts (even though if OP wasn't doing it they'd have to pay someone else to) and as if looking after children and family isn't a worthwhile thing to do, utterly nonsensical and offensive.

So am I too busy or am I faffing about? Make your mind up.

If you can afford for you not to work, I think that he is being unfair and unsupportive. i also think you will get some jealous responses.

Cant you see?youre protesting your busy.he thinks your not contributing economically
He's right.you're not seeing eye to eye because you think your busy.he disagrees
When course finishes will yiu work,have you looked in jobs.and afterschool etc

Oh and my mother was very like you in terms if the fact she hasn't worked since she had her oldest child for MONEY but I think she's always worked extremely hard in a non-monetary sense and is a bloody brilliant mother. I loved her being at home when I was a child and teenager.

horrified why?
Just because dh is a workaholic doesn't mean OP has to run herself into the ground trying to match him
I agree re some jealous responses