I have never been so unhappy

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry me again, posting about the same old rubbish. Don't know how I have got in such a mess. Just to remind split from X of 20 years, NC for months. We have some how got to the situation where he stays here several nights of the week and every weekend. Our relationship is much improved but there are still big issues with his drinking and odd behaviour sometimes. Will just runaway to his little pad if things get too much for him.

I was OLD but not seeing anyone else atm, I would feel guilty. I am in such a mess moneywise just feel I am going to drown, and just totally adrift, the only thing keeping on the straight and narrow is DS, I just can't see a point in anything, feeling really hopeless, I have to say I have never felt so low in my life and just don't know how to even start getting myself out of this. Don't really know why I am posting but just needed to vent I suppose. Kick up the ass maybe

[Blossomflowers]

Well all went a bit wrong, XP came over on Friday he bought food, I cooked. Was waiting for OLD man to call thought he did not but stupidly missed 3 calls from him, so did not meet up XP been ok, less drinking and no horrible outbursts. I am slowing trying to distance myself and am going on a date Wend. I think he would just like to carry on like this but I want a proper relationship and commitment

[Blossomflowers]

Oh and found out what he was XP was doing whilst I waited for him weekend before last. Went on a bender stuffing Coke up his nose. Did not know he was into that these days, might explain the money problems over the years, How could I have been so blind.

[LisaMed]

Okay, you know what I think...

STAY AWAY FROM YOUR EX IF YOU WANT TO FEEL BETTER!

So now you do cooking, cleaning, ego soothing and fund things so he can pay for the sort of drugs that will lead to really bad mental health and possibly problems with the police.

You really are worth a lot more than this.

However it is really easy for me to write this from the safety of distance, and I know it is tough. I suppose it is like giving up cigs. I tried everything you could imagine, had no success, I must have given up ten or fifteen times. Then one day I just said, 'not having any more' and that was that. There was even a pack of half smoked cigarettes in the house and I stayed away. Perhaps you need to have that moment.

You know your own life best, but I do think that you would be better off for seeing less of your x

I hope things are settling down for you on other fronts.

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks lisa You right he is some kind of addiction, logically I should not allow myself to be treated like this. I know when I write on here he must sound like a complete dick, but when being good he is lovely to spend time with. Know that sounds like a contradiction. He is messing around with his AD's again so know it is def time to withdraw again. I will not text him today, have friends coming around for BBQ tonight and going on Date tomorrow night so keeping busy. Am very sad about the drugs things but will explain a thing or too. I know he done this when he was young but never thought he would do it now, especially as being diagnosed with very high blood pressure ( on machine for 24 hours as I write this)

[LisaMed]

It is really, really, really tough. I could write all sorts of glib stuff but when all is said and done it is you at the sharp end.

Sending lots of hugs - and give yourself credit. You are doing better than you were six months ago. Hang in there.

I'm not supposed to be on mumsnet. I'm supposed to be writing. You may see me around looking shifty.

[Blossomflowers]

Naught Lisa do your writing lol. Umm got a text from him, ignore I think

[LisaMed]

Definitely ignore!

(not here, just writing, not passing through)

[Blossomflowers]

Keeps sending me his BP reading worst 204/113, just replied saying that is extremely dangerous, and asked about money he owes me. that's all

[LisaMed]

The easy answer is that next time you just ask about money. He wants you to be running after him, I think.

Good luck

[LisaMed]

Or next time you could ask if his life insurance is up to date. It wouldn't be helpful in real life, but I couldn't help but think of it.

I'll get my coat.

[Blossomflowers]

You don't think he would have life insurance, he cancelled that years ago.

[LisaMed]

Strictly humourous and not in real life...

Apparently you can take out insurance on someone else's life. You could (in theory, not suggesting irl as I don't think it would help) that you were going to insure his life in favour of DS as if he carries on drinking the way he does the money will come in useful.

It really wouldn't be pretty if you actually said that, but I bet his face would be a picture.

hugs. It does sound like everything has landed on your shoulders. Don't let his problems become your problems.

[Blossomflowers]

lisa I dunno sounds like a plan. He is only telling me about BP as no one else to tell. Think it has scared him, you never know might stop drinking and taking drugs

[LisaMed]

His problem is not your problem. While he can talk to you he has not reached the 'I am going to have to sort this out or I am stuffed' stage. He still believes that if he has eg a stroke and is unable to walk/work/wipe his bum that you will look after him.

btw is there a chance he is lying about the bp? Not previously but if he has an idea you have a date.

Hang on, didn't you ask him to have ds so you could go out so he turned up with food and you ended up not going out? Nice bit of sabotage! Don't miss the next date because your x has a problem (or turns up).

[Blossomflowers]

BP thing real alright, I have a machine and seen the one he has to wear for 24 hours and saw reading. Yes he did sabotage the date week end, not going to tell him this time. (thankfully it was a nice weekend) Next date tomorrow.

[LisaMed]

Keep on keeping on.

I don't know that much about stuff, but I think you are his safety net. This does not mean that you are going to be treated well.

Have an amazing time that is so amazing that it is too outrageous for mumsnet I don't think you should any more texts from him.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

So, missed calls from online dating guy because ex dropped by with food to cook, so your date arrangements were stuffed, ¡ay caramba! Gotta hand it to ex.

But his drug use occasional or not, Blossom, when you have struggled with money for months for you & DS, on top of the boozing. Another slap in the face when he moans about feeling down. And if ex has never been honest with his GP about how much he drinks, has he told him/her about his other habit?

Don't waste time feeling anxious about his bp; he excels in winding you up, it is a wonder yours isn't through the roof.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

But tomorrow is another day and you can get back to civil with ex for DS's sake yet detached. He has led you a merry dance the past few months so time to take those dancing shoes off and sit this one out. Him and his £4000 watch!

[Blossomflowers]

donkey As usual you are right. He turned up last night with £25 and 2 bottles of wine, literally all he has. Had friends over who he has know as long I have, he drank to said 2 bottles of wine and then promptly got up and drove home. I was shocked when they said after he left that he needs committing and I am taking too much responsibilty, have urged me to call his GP today. Not sure that is going to do any good.

On positive note my date for tonight has been texting about tonights arrangements. Not going to get my hopes up, but if nothing else a couple of hours out of the house. He seem lovely but you just never know with OLD

[LisaMed]

This is easy to type but hard to do...

Don't let him in. Don't answer his texts/calls/emails. He is determined that you will look after him and it looks like he is trying to force a crisis.

I am saying that as it is following a pattern similar to my elderly uncle who was trying to get me to divorce my husband and move me and ds to live with him to look after him. He refused to let me arrange carers and told the district nurses that he had plenty of carers coming in and lots of family around (no carers and no family close). In the end he lost his leg due to neglecting himself to forcing a crisis and it was very nearly a lot worse.

Uncle is now in a very nice local care home and is now at least more or less lucid (this week anyway).

Don't make his problems your problems. Good luck.

[Blossomflowers]

lisa was feeling nothing when he left last night, just worried/disgusted about the drinking and driving and the fact that he did not say goodbye to DS. DS getting pissed of with him. I think he had gone beyond wanting help because in his mind there is nothing wrong. Part of me still loves him and he is the father of my son so for that I will call GP And help if I can, but I need to detangle my emotions now.

[Blossomflowers]

Oh and omg about your uncle

[LisaMed]

The story with my uncle ran and ran. It was awful as he was in Wales, I am in Yorkshire and I already have my elderly father living with us. I swear I nearly had a breakdown this spring.

The trouble was that uncle was pushing and pushing and pushing to get looked after. He actively lied to health care professionals because he thought if things got bad enough then people would give up jobs/families and go and live with him and look after him. It was not going to happen! btw he wanted half a dozen people to be moving into his five room (ie bathroom, kitchen, living room, two tiny beds) tin bungalow with rubbish schools and no jobs in a village in Wales. The family suspect recurrent UTIs and vascular dementia. He is diabetic and wasn't able to feed himself but refused any carers or food services. He wouldn't consider the ready made frozen stuff.

I'm only really sharing because I think I've seen this in one form or another a few times, and your x seems to be doing a sabotage of you moving on plus a spectacular self destruct in front of you. He seems really angry that you are not running around after him. If/when he realises that you are not going to pick up the pieces then he may have the sense to look after himself and get sorted out. It may take some time for that to sink in, and it may be too late to keep any sort of relationship with his son.

Have a marvellous time tomorrow. Try to keep x out of your mind - whenever you find yourself thinking of him try to not think about pink rhinocerous or try saying the alphabet backwards or do anything that keeps your mind away from him. Wishing you all the luck in the world, this is not easy.

[Blossomflowers]

pink rhino I love it . Date is tonight actually, starting to get a bit anxious

[LisaMed]

Go and have fun, stay safe and be disgraceful!