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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The big W word....

254 replies

MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 12:34

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

OP posts:

Original poster

MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 12:57

Thanks so much, that was great advice. I did not realise! Yes I do

OP posts:

Wrapdress · 05/06/2014 13:04

I wonder if he really wants a 3rd baby or if he just wants to get you off his back for another year?

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 13:04

So we have made a deal.. we will get engaged then have baby then get married. im going to have to run with it

3rd baby? How many broken promises already littering the floor?

Complete madness.

HeyBungalowBill · 05/06/2014 13:05

Will you be asking him to put your name on the deeds to the house?

Jan45 · 05/06/2014 13:11

Engaged, then baby then married.....

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 13:17

OP PLEASE think about how you will manage if you have a third baby and then split.

Three small children, no job, no home is a grim prospect in any economy.

Childcare is expensive and child maintainence is chicken feed (and hard to secure). How the hell would you live?

There is NO REASON why he needs you to have the third baby before getting married. He is PLAYING you.

mrsmopps · 05/06/2014 13:19

even if you and the children are named as sole beneficiaries in his will (have you seen it?) his parents and siblings can contest it because they are legally his next of kin. not you.
Is there a chance he is put off marriage because he's afraid if you split he would have to give you half of everything?

MatildaWhispers · 05/06/2014 13:25

You still don't sound convinced that you actually want a third child...all you have said is that you feel you 'need to get on with it' if you are going to have one.

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 13:25

She should get half of everything mrsmopps

I hate to see women leaving themselves at risk of destitution like this.

mrsmopps · 05/06/2014 13:27

fideliney I wasn't suggesting she shouldn't get half but I thought maybe that was why he wasn't keen to get married.

MatildaWhispers · 05/06/2014 13:37

And IF you are being pressured into the pregnancy, please realise that if you feel you have no option but to have this third child -there are other options. Sorry if that sounds patronising, but as someone who was pressured into my third, I just didn't feel like I could refuse to have another. In my own case, I had a third and was then pressured for a fourth. What will you do if you have a third, then he says he wants one more child before you tie the knot?

MatildaWhispers · 05/06/2014 13:39

Sorry, to clarify that I did refuse the third, but he kept on forcing discussions about it until I was worn down. Sound at all familiar to you OP?

Kewcumber · 05/06/2014 13:40

I don;t know how much your house and any assets are worth but you do realise that as the housekeeper he's having sex with you will potentially have to pay inheritance ax on anything he leaves you. If you cannot afford to pay the tax then the house may have to be sold to pay or you may have to borrow the money.

You cannot leave assets to people without incurring inheritance tax (over the tax free threshhold) and in the eyes of the law you are just "people".

Even with a will.

He cannot leave a will saying "I always meant to marry her but it kept her under control better to keep promising it so if you wouldn't mind Mr HMRC please don't charge her IHT and turf my children out of their family home"

And you haven't made "a deal", you have accepted his statement because you want a third child. Don't kid yourself.

He doesn't want to marry you, if he did, he would.

Who on MN says famously - when people are telling you who they are, LISTEN.

GenericDietCola · 05/06/2014 13:45

I don't normally post on threads like this, but I am compelled to do so.

If he wants to get married, then call his bluff and do it now. You need to do this so that you are legally protected in case he dies or leaves you. Why on earth do you have to wait until you have produced your third child? (Apart from the obvious reason that he does not actually intend to marry you and is simply stalling).

Get married now - the type of ceremony you want sounds simple to organise, so get on with it. You can even TTC or be pregnant when you get married, there is no good reason to wait. Please don't 'run with it'. You will look back on this time and feel you have been a total mug. I hope I am wrong, but please listen to what everyone is saying.

Kewcumber · 05/06/2014 13:51

or persuade him that as you are not married he should leave the money direct to the kids, with them as trustees, for example. Oh yes this... what a nightmare.

You can contest any will leaving it to someone else as you have a reasonable expectation of inheriting because he supports you now but what a nightmare trying to fight it.

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 13:52

fideliney I wasn't suggesting she shouldn't get half but I thought maybe that was why he wasn't keen to get married.

Indeed, I was assuming that all along. Not sure that it changes how the OP should react though.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 05/06/2014 13:53

I was with DH for only about a yr before I got pregnant, and soon after that baby, we planned another. I'd never been interested in marrying. Then I read threads on here and realized how precarious my position was especially as I didn't go back to work. We discussed getting married and then we did it, quickly.

Your DP's reluctance makes me anxious for you.

mrsmopps · 05/06/2014 13:55

It doesn't change how the op should react.
It was the only reason I could think of as to why the op's partner might be against marrying. Surely finding out why he is reluctant to set a date is the first step to resolving the issue?

Gen35 · 05/06/2014 13:55

Op should be more concerned about her lack of ability to support herself or have a roof over her head before her p dies, by far the biggest risk is that she ends up not being able to work as she has 3 kids to cover childcare for while only being entitled to piddly child support. Nightmare...

FoxInTheDesert · 05/06/2014 13:59

This sounds like an episode of the Tudors! Give him a son? Is he aware that it's the male bit that decides the gender?
I don't see how not having a 3rd child unless he proposes makes a difference. You already chose to have kids unmarried. So how do you expect it to change now? If you want to get married propose. Why wait for him to do it?

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 14:51

It was the only reason I could think of as to why the op's partner might be against marrying. Surely finding out why he is reluctant to set a date is the first step to resolving the issue?

Sorry, yes ISWYM now. I don't think he will be honest though.

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/06/2014 15:15

Missbooboo please listen to the advice on this thread. These posters know what they are talking about.

I know someone who was in a similar relationship to you. She had three children in quick succession and had 'never got around' to getting married despite being a SAHM. Her partner met someone else, asked her to leave and she became homeless. She had to move back to her parents home for a while and life was very tough until her youngest went to school. To add insult to injury her ex married his new partner fairly quickly because she insisted on a wedding!

No matter how much your DP promises to look after you and your children, remember that in this situation it is actions that count not words.

Original poster

MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 15:23

I know my partner inside out and he would never allow me to be homeless with his kids... also why are we going to split up?
Some of the advice on here has been great, especially the legal stuff but alot of you are judging my situation on your own experiences with men.
He is a fabulous father, we get on great and there is no talk of us splitting up. He would never leave us with nothing, he would rather cut off his own head then see anything happen to his kids. The Will is watertight in relation to the kids, yes I have seen it. He doesnt even speak to his sisters as their past behaviour has been pretty disgusting... it is only his mother and if he died she would move in with me. We also own his mothers house.

OP posts:

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 15:24

If you know him inside out how have you come to be in this situation?

Original poster

MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 15:29

Because he is scared... his parents were hardly the best role models for marriage.

OP posts:

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