The big W word....

[MissBooBoo]

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

I don't think sleeping with a man you're not married to makes you a whore. I do think women have been hoodwinked into providing sex and associated services to men, for nothing, whereas in the past, men would have had to make proper arrangements before they got those things. Men managed this neat trick by taking note that women want sex too. But be honest, a lot of women also want long-term partnerships, children, home and so on, and they now don't have society's support in getting them.

Erm... Have I read you correctly? Women are fools for giving sex away for nothing, when before, sex could be used as a bargaining tool for financial stability? If the word 'whore' is going to be applied to either of those scenarios, I know which one I would consider the most appropriate.

I am also curious what you mean by associated services. Is there a menu with a sliding scale of prices? No blow-jobs unless he pays for the new living-room carpet or similar?

I am married to a lovely man because I want to spend the rest of my life with him, and the marriage was so that all the legal stuff is taken care of for both of us and our son. Denying myself sex and only 'giving in' after I have the ring seems to be both pointless and manipulative. I know he married me because he wanted to, not because it was the only way he could get access to my fanjo

He's doing you up like a kipper. I truly believe he will never marry you .

How about try for another baby AND book the wedding ? It might mean getting married while pregnant but that's no big deal .

Try putting that idea to him - see what he says.

Can I just clarify, if it's necessary, that the original reference to the word "whore" was from a comedy sketch!

And sorry if I am hijacking your thread OP. You are far more trusting than I would be. If he is telling the truth, and is happy to do all three, agree to that but just change the order. Marriage then baby. If he resists that, despite the fact he is now aware of your feelings on the matter, then there is your answer

No, I did get that, Clam. It is just all part of the same mindset that considers a woman cheapened by having sex, and their value and bargaining power is based around that.

I definitely agree with pp that this is to shut you up.

Getting engaged so he can have this third baby then delay the wedding even further.

No protection for you or your children. OP you can't seriously be considering doing this?
You should be putting yourself and your children first, giving in to what he wants is foolish

Hah! Well that tells you everything you need to know.

He won't marry you. It's about money. He doesn't want to.

You're doing the opposite of protecting your kids I'm afraid.

The way to protect them would be to play hardball. No third baby and no relationship until you are married. That might do it.

It's your only card. He's now soft soaping you to get you past the point where you hold that card.

Engaged? A word. Means nothing. A bit like 'I'll literally get down on one knee straight away if you give me a son...' Yeah. Right.

If you have another baby before you marry, you are signing up to him being able to throw you and your children out of his house at a moment's notice. You would be an utter fool to do that.

I don't get why you want to marry him anyway, to be honest.

Hang on, I know this one... Is his name Henry VIII?

Have you actually stopped to think whether you really want and are ready for a 3rd child? It sounds more like he is manipulating you into having another baby, on the promise of finally getting the marriage you want?

Does he do much with the children? Help with childcare? Why is he so keen on another baby?

If his father had not been ill I would have insisted we got married first then had children.
Now unfortunately his father has died, you have children together, so what is he waiting for now??? Some other convenient excuse to postpone?

we own our house.. my name is not on the deeds No you don't own your house, HE does, and while you are not married you are in a precarious position if you split up or anything happens to him, especially in view of what you have said about his sisters.

OP do not even consider having another child until you are married. A 3rd child is your only leverage.

Sorry - but he is clearly stringing you along and has no real intention to ever marry you. I'd LTB.

Well, he already lied to you about proposing immediately your son was born. Any reason you think he is not lying now?

Sorry to ask, OP, but just so that I can get this straight: are you bonkers?

You don't have to 'run with it'! Getting engaged means NOTHING. It has no legal status, nothing. If you have a baby after 'getting engaged' you throw away your strongest bargaining tool in the same move that you make yourself ever more vulnerable.

Yup - if he gets hit by a bus you could be a single homeless mother of three instead of two kids - woo hoo! How exciting and cuddly 'getting engaged' is. How much easier and cheaper to pay for 3 sets of childcare while you work to put a roof over your heads!

Even without the bus - yes work away and care for 3 kids which have his name.

No wedding, no more babies. No more giving babies the name of a man who won't marry their mother.

Tell him that unless he marries you within the next 4 weeks you will:

-Take steps to change the children's names to your surname (you can't without his consent as it happens - see how much power he has over you? but it might spook him and names seem to mean a lot to him)

• Look for a job and start saving your own money - and he will have to do 50% of all childcare during working hours and 505 of all household work

• Take active steps to prevent conception and spread it around all his friends that you are trying for a 3rd baby but unfortunately he is impotent and that's why there is no baby.

• and obviously, not have another baby.

Look, I know this is really bad form to refer to past threads, but I think it's relevant in this case, if people are going to be able to give appropriate advice.

You have previously posted that this bloke has told you that you should respect him because he earns all the money and you should know your role, refuses to do any childcare because he works all week and you don't, and told you in front of you dd that you were thick with no brain in your head.

In addition you think he had an emotional affair shortly after the birth of one of your children and to cap it all, you found adverts for escort sites on his computer.

Come ON, missbooboo. Wake up and smell the coffee here.

Since you have already agreed you are getting married at some point YOU ARE ALREADY ENGAGED! Nothing has changed!

Someone upthread said it, but if he wants a third child (and you do too) THEN THIS IS YOUR ONLY LEVERAGE! I think you should use it. He said he would marry you if you gave him a son and you did. Engagement is a stalling tactic.

Leverage? As someone else said upthread, why would you want to marry someone who is so clearly showing by his actions that doesn't want to marry you?

Because without marriage the OP has NO legal rights to 50% of the assets of the relationship + 2 kids the OP has invested in for 9 years.

It's not a romantic/scorned woman situation - it's about protecting her position and security for her kids.

I wouldn't have given up work and become financially dependent upon a man who wouldn't get married first. OP you're taking on the 'old fashioned' SAHM mother role without any of the security of marriage.

BooBoo: I have revised my advice.

Please stop trying to conceive, or taking risks (breastfeeding a 10mo is not contraception).

Go and see CAB and find out how much you would be entitled to in benefits and leave him.

If you have a 10 month old now, and he is the one pushing for a baby but he does absolutely zilch for the 2 children you already have, you really need to get proper contraception sorted now.

As the person who, based on past form, will be doing all the childcare for 3 pre schoolers, you have to REALLY, REALLY want this third child yourself. You could end up feeling so trapped if you go ahead with the third child, and all the extra work and stress that will bring, with him not helping out and expecting you to deal with everything related to the children.

Don't let yourself be talked into having a third before you are ready, because he makes out that he wants a third. He sounds like a very controlling character, and as others have said you will be/are in such a precarious position given that you are not married.

Even if he agreed to marry you and then have a third child afterwards, if he is not that involved in the lives of your existing children then you really need to ask yourself why he is the one pushing for you to get pregnant. As it sounds like it is just another way of making sure that you 'know your role'.

OP I am so worried for you. Please see a solicitor. Engagement offers you absolutely no legal protection whatsoever. Do not put yourself out on the street for this man. He lied to you about marrying after the last baby, he has form, why would you trust him now? It's as plain as day, my dear.