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Original poster

The big W word....

254 replies

MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 12:34

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

OP posts:
HeyBungalowBill · 05/06/2014 15:31

Then why does he keep promising marriage in exchange for children?

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 15:32

But you already have two children, you already run his house. What is he scared of? Having to share fairly?

You don't sound like you know what's going on. You sound hurt and baffled.

HeyBungalowBill · 05/06/2014 15:33

I will also ask again, what about the deeds to the house?

If he is afraid of marriage, fine, don't promise marriage in exchange for children. But surely he'd be happy to put your name on the deeds and not just a will that can be changed at any minute?

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 15:33

Some of the advice on here has been great, especially the legal stuff

The Will is watertight in relation to the kids,

No will is watertight because any will can be unilaterally changed without the knowledge of the beneficiaries. That is what you have just been told. You are choosing to ignore. People are only trying to help you here.

We also own his mothers house.

Why do you keep saying "we"? Is your name on the deeds of her house?

CharmQuark · 05/06/2014 15:33

He owns your mother's house.

Owning 2 houses would almost certainly push the value over the Inheritance Tax Threshold.

You might split up because you can't take another brush with his emotional affairs, kissing other people while you are post-partum, and escort websites and porn, and because you snipe at each other at weekends and he criticises you and says you don't match up to previous partners? Why does he look at escort sites?

Do you not think these might be somehow connected to his reasons not to want to give you joint ownership of his and his mother's house through marriage?

Do you love him?

CharmQuark · 05/06/2014 15:35

sorry: 'he owns HIS mother's house', not your mother's.

At least I certainly hope ghe doesn't own your mother's house!

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 15:35

Bungalow is quite right. Try offering him this deal;

  1. Your name goes on the deeds. 2)3rd baby 3)Wedding

I bet he says no.

higgle · 05/06/2014 15:36

This is what you previously posted about the relationship

"Been with my partner 9 years. we have a 3yr old & a 9 month old.
Recently at the weekends we spend most of it sniping at one another. Over very minor things. He tells me his past relationships were never like this and he has never met anyone like me, I should respect him because he earns all the money and I should know my role.I should understand he has been working all week and not have to look after the children (while i am cooking or cleaning for him) the last couple of times he has told me i was thick and have no brain in my head infront of my 3 yr old daughter. The constant belittling today has taken its toll. Normally i will answer back and stand up for myself but i feel such a deep sadness after today i just feel like crying and thats not like me.
3 yrs ago he kissed and had an emotional affair with a girl at his work. I caught him and it stopped... this was 2 weeks after i had given birth. iT stopped. Then when my 9 month old was born i found they had started talking again.. they work metres away from eachother. Because of this I dont even want to have sex with him... I literally force myself. Is it over or have similar people got through it? advice pls x"

You also said he looked at escort girl sites. I don't think he is a good father or a good partner. His reluctance to mary means you have no property rights and he can rip up the will tomorrow, if indeed it is valid. I can't see that it is fair on the child you will have to proceed to pregnancy with him again.

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 15:38

OP we just don't want to read the post a few months from now when you are pregnant and up shit creek.

teaandthorazine · 05/06/2014 15:39

So, why then, if he is so keen to protect you and the kids, why, why, why will he not marry you? If he loves you, and he knows it's important, not only because the woman he supposedly loves wants it but because it's legally important, why isn't he doing it?

He could do it tomorrow. He could book the registry office and then you could have a lovely party/family holiday/whatever afterwards, once you are safely, legally, sorted out.

Instead, he's making promises that have absolutely no legal standing or benefit for you (getting engaged) and insisting on another baby before he will marry you. Why? The only explanation is he's stalling, and he will continue to do so. He has no intention of marrying you, ever.

I don't buy the whole 'his parents weren't good role models', either. If he wanted to marry you, he would. It really is as simple as that and you are deluding yourself if you think otherwise. Understandably perhaps, but deluding yourself nevertheless.

Jan45 · 05/06/2014 15:40

Oh my lord, I can't believe OP that you are confused as to why he doesn't want to marry you.

Point in fact is WHY you even are considering marrying this sorry excuse for a partner.

You are either in complete denial or, he's done such a turn on you, you now actually believe his shite.

Original poster
MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 15:41

wow ok.. this is getting toxic so i wont be replying again to this.

Thanks to those that gave me such great advice

OP posts:
teaandthorazine · 05/06/2014 15:48

OP, not a single post on here has said anything other than 'protect yourself'

I know it's hard to hear sometimes but, you know what, even if your relationship was absolutely peachy, I'd still be saying the same thing. He could get run over by a bus tomorrow, and you and your kids would get nothing. You would be homeless.

He knows this, and he's still come up with reasons to stall you.

Please, if nothing else, don't have another baby until you have that marriage certificate in your hand.

Fideliney · 05/06/2014 15:48

You are either in complete denial or, he's done such a turn on you, you now actually believe his shite.

Either way, we tried to tell her Sad

this is getting toxic

Shock Something's toxic, yes.

Jan45 · 05/06/2014 15:55

OP, your decision to leave the thread pretty much sums up what I said, you are in denial, you have a toxic relationship which now two children are being exposed to, possibly a third on the way.

3 yrs ago he kissed and had an emotional affair with a girl at his work. I caught him and it stopped... this was 2 weeks after i had given birth. iT stopped. Then when my 9 month old was born i found they had started talking again.. they work metres away from each other. Because of this I dont even want to have sex with him... I literally force myself

And that's not including the issue of where you stand financially. I hope one day you get the light bulb moment and don't put another kid in this sorry situation.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2014 16:03

Yes you are absolutely right!
Your relationship is toxic. Not just 'getting' toxic. It is toxic.
If YOU do NOT want a 3rd child then please do NOT have one.
You cannot have a baby for someone else and it all be OK!
You seriously need a wake up call.
10 pages telling you the same thing and still you won't listen.
Stop covering your ears. You are exposing innocent children to this awful man and relationship. WHY on earth would you add another one???

ShadyLadyT · 05/06/2014 16:22

Just to correct some legal points - his sisters do not have precedence over the children if he died without a will. However, OP says there is a will. She also says it has been properly drawn up by a solicitor which is more reassuring. Furthermore, wills in the UK can only be challenged for about three reasons: if it can be proved the person was of unsound mind; if someone can prove they were financially dependent on the deceased (surprisingly hard to prove) or if it can be proved the deceased was coerced.

Inheritance Tax would only be payable on an Estate over £325k.

However - she STILL needs to take legal advice re: their current property and either obtain a Deed of Trust, get her name on the Deeds, or - get married!

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/06/2014 16:26

In reply to your earlier post about your DP caring deeply about you:

Every woman would say the same about their partner and that they and their children would never be left homeless. Unfortunately, some men (not all) don't behave honourably if they decide to end the relationship, especially if they have met someone else. At the moment you are relying on him behaving decently but you have few rights if things don't work out. We all like to believe that we will stay together forever but the fact is at the moment you are in a very vulnerable position if he dies or ends the relationship.

I hope your DP will do the right thing by you, I really do.

Jan45 · 05/06/2014 16:35

Ketchup: her partner is an abusive arse and always will be, have you read upthread???

Ketchuphidestheburntbits · 05/06/2014 16:40

Sorry Ladies, I missed the important bit upthread.

CharmQuark · 05/06/2014 17:01

Why does he not want to make you a) happy and b)secure by marrying?

BooBoo, for all my advocacy of marriage on this thread, I am not married. I have my own salary which is higher than DP's, I own a larger share of our house (owned as tenants on common), our respective house shares are left to our DC via arrangements that make sure no one is made homeless.

Crucially: I have my own pension arrangements. This lack of marriage doesn't just affect you now, it affects you for the rest of your life. Into old age. If you were married you could be a beneficiary of his pension. If you did happen to split up, you could claim half his pension as part of the settlement. And why not? You and he are a team, running your household and family. Your work and input plays one vital role, his earning of cash plays another. You should both ultimately benefit.

Under the current set up, he benefits from the labours of both of you. You do not.

clam · 05/06/2014 17:22

I'm not quite sure what it is you are referring to as being toxic. Is it where people have quoted your own account of the relationship? What are you objecting to with that? The fact that people have mentioned it at all, or that you just don't wish to be reminded of it.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2014 17:49

This is what I wrote earlier re him in the event of him dying suddenly:-

"His sisters would be seen as next of kin and you would become totally reliant on their goodwill which from what you have written about them is in very short supply. They would make you homeless if they could".

You as his unmarried partner have nothing in terms of rights; who has this man left the property to when he dies?. His sisters being the money grabbers you describe them as could well make your life a complete misery. Its already pretty miserable and I think you are in complete denial of your situation because you cannot believe that you have acted so stupidly throughout.

Fairenuff · 05/06/2014 18:59

I still don't understand why he doesn't want to marry you OP. Has he given any particular reason?

clam · 05/06/2014 19:27

"Has he given any particular reason?"
From what I have read, possibly because the whole relationship sounds a bit shit.

"He is a fabulous father, we get on great and there is no talk of us splitting up."
I'm afraid that everything in your previous threads shows the exact opposite.

"We also own his mother's house."
I'm afraid there's no "we" about that statement.