Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The big W word....

254 replies

MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 12:34

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

OP posts:
Glastokitty · 05/06/2014 05:45

W is for wanker not wedding in this thread I reckon.

neverendingnemo · 05/06/2014 06:15

OP, he is not going to marry you, just shutting you up with another empty promise. Please don't fall for it and have another child with him. He will not marry you.

I am still suspicious as to whether he already is.

please see a solicitor.

CharmQuark · 05/06/2014 07:09

Can I just ask what the OP will get out of seeing a solicitor, other than a very expensive version of what we have already said? The law is very simple on this matter as I understand it: without marriage she has absolutely no claim on a house in his name.

The only possibility is if she can demonstrate, with then paperwork, that she has made a significant investment into it in terms of lump sum, mortgage payments or carried out a home improvement (such as physically built an extension, for example).

WildBill · 05/06/2014 07:29

MISSBOOBOO

You really need to wise up and fast. There is NO SUCH THING AS A COMMON LAW WIFE...you do not own the house, he does.

Being engaged has no standing legally and your position will have changed not a jot.
If you want things to change DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER BABY for heavens sake. He is not going to marry you any more after another kid than he is now. You can't be so stupid that you can't see that?.....Bottom line is if he wanted to get married you would be married by now.

You need to start getting informed about your legal position re financial security, you have zilch right now. Don't keep breeding in order to get this man to marry you - it's not going to happen.

NotNewButNameChanged · 05/06/2014 09:02

So, we all say the OP is being hoodwinked. OP says she is now realizing she has had her head in the sand, that he has been delaying it all and needs to think carefully of what to do.

OP comes back to say "hurrah, everything is all right, my bloke says we can get engaged, have a baby and then get married"

Collective sound of jaws dropping on desks and heads being banged against walls from everyone on the thread except the OP.

OP, you say you believe him. No one on this thread does, other than you. He has stonewalled you, delayed you and seems obsessed about procreating rather than ensuring you and the children are looked after by even having your name on the house you live in together (I don't necessarily have a problem with people not being married as long as both are happy and the legal sides of things - wills, house etc - are taken care of).

I actually don't think it matters what we say, you are blinkered as hell. You should probably, referring to another thread, write to Graham Norton for his advice.

HeyBungalowBill · 05/06/2014 09:14

Notnewbutnamechanged - perfectly worded post. Especially the dropping jaws and hitting heads against walls!!

What's this about Graham Norton?

NotNewButNameChanged · 05/06/2014 09:19

Bungalow - see the thread currently at the top of the Relationships board as I type this

hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2014 09:19

WOW!
I think this man is a controlling bully.
Do you even want a 3rd child? You are doing this all on your own anyway and you want to add another child into the mix. You talk about HIM wanting one. What about you?

You could contact Womens Aid to get their advice on this.
He sounds vile and horrible and I cannot imagine for one second why on earth you would want to a) marry this nasty piece of work or b) have another child with him.
Please get away from him.
This is completely unanimous on here!

Please listen to all the wise women. This is just not right.
Get to CAB as well to understand what you would be entitled to if you left. i.e. Housing benefit, tax credits, child benefit, maintenance from him etc.....

ShadyLadyT · 05/06/2014 09:30

re: Charm Quark's point about what OP would get out of seeing a solicitor - she needs to ask about a Deed of Trust which could be drawn up. These is a legal and enforceable document signed by both parties and dealing with the share of equity in the home. It should say, amongst other things, that the OP would get 50% of the equity of the house if there was a sale. Alternatively, her DP could just get her name put on the deeds but usually that is a case of putting the other person on the mortgage as well and that's not easy in the current climate.

OP - leaving the whole marriage thing aside - you are terribly exposed financially if it all goes tits up. I think you said he has a will - has it been properly drawn up? Please, please at least see a solicitor about getting a Deed of Trust drawn up re: the house.

BeyondTheLimitsOfAcceptability · 05/06/2014 09:31

Have you explained to him that if he drops dead tomorrow, you and his children are homeless?

If he doesnt marry you within a month based on that, that tells you how much he cares for his offspring, apart from the basal urge to procreate.

One other thing. Do you have a joint account? Because again, if he drops dead, you cant access that either. Even though it is in your name, all of his assests will be frozen. Or, are you going to say his wages go into his account?

NotNewButNameChanged · 05/06/2014 09:31

hellsbells - some of us are actually wise MEN you know! (sssh!)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/06/2014 09:34

He is so full of it. I just read your other threads.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2014 09:40

Terribly sorry for my faux pas!!!
Of course there are also very wise men too.
Blush

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/06/2014 09:42

OH MY GOD

MissBooBoo get your name on the deeds NOW PLEASE!

Do you realise that you have to fight him for every penny and you will have a very hard time proving your rights to your house if your name is not on the deeds? Believe me, I was conned into that position and not having my name on the deeds and I know what I am talking about. My exP has been very clever to engineer things so my name was not out on the deeds virtually behind my back whilst assuring me that it did not matter, but of course he knew exactly whst the legal situation would be, whereas I didn't.

If shit hits the fan, you and your children are in an awful position if you are not married and your name is not on the deeds.

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/06/2014 09:44

Hi Donkeys Smile

getthefeckouttahere · 05/06/2014 09:52

i want to know what associated services i should hold out for??

Car cleaning?
Weekly foot massage?
One of those fancy pants concierge services where i can call up and say 'i need a jet to Geneva .....Now?

What an awful view of what married life is all about, a trade of sex, children and 'associated services' for financial security and a big bash at an edge of town hotel. Yuk!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2014 09:53

"So we have made a deal.. we will get engaged then have baby then get married. im going to have to run with it... you may think im nuts but i
believed what he has said".

Why, is that because you feel you have no other options but to believe him?.

Some deal that is and he will renege on that as well just like all the previous times. He hit paydirt when he met you because you are so easily fooled.

You still have a choice MissBooBoo; you are not completely powerless here. You will likely have this third child (do they all have his surname?) and then he still will not marry you. He is and has hoodwinked you throughout this past 9 years; you have believed all the lies he has told you.

But I have to look at you as well; what did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships here?. You have really sleepwalked into this and have hoped for the best but you're coming off far worse here. It has not and will not work out. I also think your only option going forward is to leave.

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/06/2014 09:57

I think you can be on the deeds without being on the mortgage.

As Shadylady said, a Deed of Trust would be a good interim solution, but that May alarm him and if he is not the honorable man you think he is! that may not be a good idea.

It may be the best solution after all to persevere to get him to marry you and a definite "no" to more children until he does. You have to have some security and that is a reasonable request.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/06/2014 09:58

Karen have PMd you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/06/2014 09:58

If this man dropped dead today you would really be up the creek without a paddle. His sisters would be seen as next of kin and you would become totally reliant on their goodwill which from what you have written about them is in very short supply. They would make you homeless if they could.

Many doors will remain closed to you. You as his unmarried partner could NOT open Letters of Administration re his estate nor even choose a headstone. You would also not be entitled to claims Widows Allowance (currently around £100 a week) as you are unmarried. A financial mess of truly gargantuan proportions would ensue.

fortyplus · 05/06/2014 10:03

Honestly OP you're being ridiculously naive here. 'Engaged' means nothing and you can't send the 3rd baby back when your partner stalls on marriage yet again. He has no intention of marrying you - take some advice as others have wisely said - and whatever you do don't conceive a third child unless this man puts you on the deeds of your home.

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/06/2014 10:03

I disagree, I think the OP should try to get married to him, from a purely practical point of view. After that she can still leave him.

In this traditional setup, would family pressure help with formalising the relationship?

CanaryYellow · 05/06/2014 10:25

Sorry to bring up one of your other threads, I know it's bad etiquette but for fucks sake... You caught him having an affair two weeks after you gave birth to your last child.

Why the fuck would you even consider having more children with or marrying this guy?

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/06/2014 10:28

Canary if she does not get him to marry her and she wants to leave or he leaves her she will have a hard time about her rights to the family home. It does not sound very romantic, but f* romance if you have two or potentially three) children to feed.

CanaryYellow · 05/06/2014 10:35

He's not going to marry her.

Never ever.

That is the plain and obvious reality of the situation she is in.

She needs to forget marriage because it's just not going to happen.

The OP needs to start from that basis. If she's got an ounce of sense she will get a job, start saving up some money, tell him he'll have to pay towards the childcare costs. She needs to start protecting and supporting herself.

He could tell her at any time that he doesn't want to be with her any more. I predict that when he eventually can't fob her off any more and he gets really sick of her banging on about marriage, that's what he'll start threatening her with.

And if he does she has nothing.