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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

The big W word....

254 replies

MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 12:34

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/06/2014 10:37

Banging the drum yet again for the Citizens' Advice which can give advice if stepping into a solicitor's office seems a step too far. It really shouldn't seem too much at this point because at the risk of repetition, OP you need to see where you stand. You and your DCs are depending on a man who makes and breaks promises and is still fobbing you off.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/06/2014 10:38

MissBooBoo apart from anything else, you should also let your idiot "DH" know that it's the man's sperm that determines the baby's gender, there's nothing you can do about it.

Gen35 · 05/06/2014 10:38

Forget the third child, if he kicked you out of his house tomorrow, all he'd have to pay is child support. Get a job, and make him do half the childcare and everything else, he's offering you no security in return for you doing all the traditional work. Traditional roles mean at least you get the traditional rights involved with marriage, like sharing the house. You've let this go too long already ass you know.

ShadyLadyT · 05/06/2014 10:41

Just to correct Attilathemeerkat on a legal point - actually, if the OP's OH dropped dead tomorrow - without a will, his children would inherit, not his sisters. However, the money would all be tied up until they were adults and you can only access it for certain things. However, I believe that upthread she said that he had done a will. But unless it's a totally kosher one it could be challengeable.

I hope the OP is still reading.

OnIlkelyMoorBahtat · 05/06/2014 10:45

(oops, just seen he already knows - sorry )

Gen35 · 05/06/2014 10:50

It makes me sad that so often we see threads about women sah with kids who aren't married and therefore ought to be insisting on working and building up their own assets if marriage isn't part of the deal. The legal and benefits implications of serious relationships should be taught in schools.

Vintagecakeisstillnice · 05/06/2014 10:53

You're a fool OP, and I say this as someone who isnt married either. (But does have her name on the deeds, will, insurance policy, accounts, and his business)

As said above being engaged has no legal standing, trust me I know. My partners sister died suddenly a few years ago, she been with her partner over 10 years. The amount of stuff we had to deal with, the amount of stuff he wasnt allowed to deal with legally was amazing.
Oh and trust me when theres a death an any prospect of money people change radically.

As it stands you have no rights, no security, and you're actively planning to bring nother child in to this mess. . . . . . . . . . .

I cant recall reading any of your other threads but from whats been said above you have no reason to trust this man at all

Karenthetoadslayer · 05/06/2014 10:56

Please OP listen to all these posters. I took their advice and my children and I are so much happier now. Flowers

JammyTodger · 05/06/2014 11:13

Why do you want to marry a man who really doesn't want to marry you?

MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 11:31

I had alot of trouble with my son, 3 miscarriages before I finally held onto my son and I nearly lost him also. If I am going to have another baby I need to get on with it.
We had the first honest and truthful conversation last night and I know my partner. He meant wholeheartedly what he said.
As for financial position, being unmarried leaves me wide open and he understands this. This is the main reason he wants us to get married so the kids and I are secure.
I guess only time will tell but this isnt a deal breaker for me, he knows how I feel now. I couldnt have put it any clearer. I will come and update when there are any developments but thank you all so much for your kind advice, it was great to sound off and receive different opinions...
xx

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/06/2014 11:41

This is the main reason he wants us to get married so the kids and I are secure

But he doesn't want to get married does he?
If he did then he would have by now.

I'm sure I won't be the only to say it.
Do NOT have a 3rd child with this man until you are married.

I know my partner. He meant wholeheartedly what he said
Did you also think this when he said it previously? What has changed this time? Did he sound more sincere? Well that's OK then!?

Is he going to stop putting you down?
Is he going to start appreciating what you contribute?
Is he going to start respecting you?
Is he going to start pulling his weight with regards to childcare and domestic responsibilites?

I know the answer to these questions but I think you are seriously deluded!

Gen35 · 05/06/2014 11:53

I also think as I've said that you are mad to have a 3rd before getting married. If he's not fobbing you off, get organising, it doesn't take long to organise a low key wedding. But I wish you the very best of luck for your future.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/06/2014 11:55

I hope he keeps his word. Take care of yourself OP.

noddyholder · 05/06/2014 11:57

Get married first it only takes an afternoon and you will be financially secure. Getting pregnant and having bay a lot longer and anything can happen in that time. I am not married but am financially secure you are not!

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 05/06/2014 12:07

Right - then if he's so concerned about your welfare, tell him to put you on the deeds of the house. Today.

It's simple.

Then you will at least have a stake in your own family home.

Right now, he could be hit by a bus tomorrow and you and your children would be homeless before his mum and sisters could say 'Pack and leave'.

Tell him that, and request that you go on the deeds.

His reaction will tell you whether your faith in this liar is justified...

MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 12:09

He has made a will...

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 05/06/2014 12:11

... which you said would likely be challenged by his family.

noddyholder · 05/06/2014 12:11

But you will pay huge taxes on inheritance assuming he has left you the house!

Burren · 05/06/2014 12:12

OP, to add to all the good advice on the thread - 'getting engaged' is a laughable non-step in your circumstances. If you have been intending and wanting to marry for several years, you've already done the engagement part. Quite apart from the idea of the engagement as 'buffer' prolonging your total vulnerability and allowing your partner to continue to put something he clearly doesn't want to do on the long finger, it makes no sense.

You've lived with him for years, and have children together - you're way past the stage where a proposal and going shopping for a ring is an appropriate step. Go straight to the marriage part. If you want to have a child in the near future, then get married immediately and start trying to conceive immediately afterwards. Engagement offers you no legal protection - you have allowed yourself to be manipulated again, in fact. He is not making any concession, you have conceded to having a third child, and your situation continues vulnerable.

Imagine this scenario - he leaves you tomorrow. Only he doesn't leave you, he tells you to get out of the house that he owns, as is his legal right. What do you do? Where do you go? What do you live on? Is this really the situation into which you want to bring yet another child? Do you really want to have another child with someone who is so uninterested in ensuring the legal protection of his children and their mother?

If he will not marry immediately, then go to a solicitor. take legal advice and have a document drawn up that entitles you to a fair share of assets and gives you as much of the legal protection of marriage as can be done without actually contracting a marriage.

Those are his options. Please don't allow yourself to be bamboozled again. And please stop being so passive. Best wishes to you.

CharmQuark · 05/06/2014 12:15

"This is the main reason he wants us to get married so the kids and I are secure. "

If that is actually the case, THIS WEEK he could either marry you and / or put the house in your joint ownership.

Why would a man with that belief push to bring yet another insecure child into his family? It makes no sense logically or emotionally, if he both loves you and cares about your security.

OP, you are walking, eyes wide open, into your own ruin.

Whereas I have every sympathy and understanding of women who find it hard to break free of abusive relationships, I can't quite get my head around someone determindly manouvring themselves deeper into such a situation.

In truth, I find your actions reckless and not in the best interests of your two existing children.

Jan45 · 05/06/2014 12:30

and yes i understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage. ive been married to him for 9 years we just havent made it official

But you are not married, not in the eyes of the law, you are not even on the title deeds, time to wake up, you may not want to separate but you now know he has no intentions of marrying you, having a 3rd child with him is just madness.

MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 12:40

If you have written a Will and it has been documented by a solicitor how can anyone question it?

OP posts:
CanaryYellow · 05/06/2014 12:43

Have you see this will with your own eyes?

And if so, you do know he can destroy or re-write the will at any time and you'd know sweet FA about it, don't you?

It's not like you've got a million reasons to trust him, is it?

MissBooBoo · 05/06/2014 12:47

I trust him completely when it comes to looking after his kids.

OP posts:
CharmQuark · 05/06/2014 12:51

A will is a will and cannot be challenged / changed unless it can be proved that it was made under duress of the will maker was not of sound mind or in control of theri decision making due to some factor - in the case of my froiend, her SM got a deathbed change from her very very weak father that left everything to the SM. Another friend successfully challenged a will that her extremely frail and confused mother had ammended to leave everything to her paid carer and her son.

However, a will can be changed at a moment's notice and without you knowing. So his grabbing sisters could persuade him that he should leave money to his mother or to them, etc... or persuade him that as you are not married he should leave the money direct to the kids, with them as trustees, for example.

As someone else pointed out, even if he did leave the house to you in his will, you would have to pay any inheritance tax due - i.e you could be liable to pay a hefty cash sum to the government for the privelige of staying in the house. As there is no inheritance tax between husband and wife, if you were married the gvt would not benefit from the investment in the house at that point.

Tell him that!

With a will in your favour you have some security for as long as that will lasts (and as I say, it can be changed within an hour), and IF he dies. If he changes his will, and does not go under a bus your actual security is zilch, zero, nada.

BooBoo - you know everyone is saying this because we are on your side?