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Original poster

The big W word....

254 replies

MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 12:34

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

OP posts:
HeyBungalowBill · 04/06/2014 21:39

Missbooboo - would you consider saying you will not be having a third child unless you are married?
It sounds as if you are considering still having a third child despite your partner being what I would call a complete arsehole to you not long ago

teacherwith2kids · 04/06/2014 21:39

OP, it matters not one jot that you are not married per se - BUT it matters A LOT that you are in an extraordinarily weak position legally.

In your shoes, I would avoid the 'wedding' question.

However, I would research what rights you would have as a wife that you do not have currently - joint ownership of assets, pension arrangements etc etc etc, and set about organising as many of theose as possible with proper legal formality - names on deeds, etc etc. It may turn out that the easiest way of organising that is to be married. Or it may flush out that actually, it is the 'making your position stronger' that is, in fact, why your OH doesn't want to get married.

oikopolis · 04/06/2014 21:40

MissBooBoo he sounds a twat. I'm so sorry. That's really not an acceptable response, you aren't asking him to sign away his earthly possessions in his own blood ffs! He needs to talk to you!

Talk to a solicitor and try to work out what needs to happen in order to ensure protection for the children. You need to be made his next of kin, must be on his life insurance, etc. Then approach him with the practicalities. If he refuses to do even that, then you have your answer and need to start planning for a future that may eventually not include him.

Preciousbane · 04/06/2014 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheUnburnt · 04/06/2014 21:45

Hang on, your name isn't on the deeds? Fuck! You definately need legal advice, especially after his reaction when you brought it up again. DO NOT have a 3rd child with this man! He is using you. He will not marry you. You need to protect yourself, and personally I would be getting back to work pronto so I had some money behind me for when he decides he wants a "proper family". Actually I'd be leaving.

CharmQuark · 04/06/2014 21:46

Don't accept his 'lap' comment.

Tell him calmly that it is HE who has everything in his lap. Tell him that it is your labour undertaking his childcare that enables him to earn money to pay the mortgage, and that you are the one who has nothing to show for it.

Ask him what sort of a man allows his wife to work for nothing, in the house and doing childcare.

Ask him why wanting to be married is having anything 'in your lap' rather than being a simple equal partnership? In what way does he view it as doing you a favour?

He is the one who wants to have his cake and eat it - and that's what he currently does!

guineapig1 · 04/06/2014 21:49

Yes, please see a Solicitor asap to get some clear info on your position regarding the house. I have a very dear friend who is a Solicitor and she categorically told me that knowing what she does she would never have a child with someone without bring married ( at the time I thought this sounded highly dramatic, particularly as she had a long term partner with whom she lived though tbh I'm not sure whether the house was in joint names or not). Anyhow true to her word they suddenly announced their engagement ( no big drama or proposal, just agreed between them) and shortly got hitched after about 15 years together. Their first DC was born about 18 months later.

MiniatureRailway · 04/06/2014 21:52

Eek, I don't like the sound of his reaction. I agree that you need to start looking at things from a legal point of view.

I had two children with a man, lived in his solely owned house and worked part time while he was a high earner for several years before we got married though. Sometimes that's just the way it works out but it's no guarantee he doesn't want to and won't marry you. However I agree you would be wise to protect yourself.

Chaseface · 04/06/2014 21:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndyYorkeSingsBetterThanThom · 04/06/2014 21:56

AndyYorke Are you Dr Nora, from Frasier?
No, but she sounds like my kind of woman!

Seriously, I don't begrudge anyone a sex life. I don't think sleeping with a man you're not married to makes you a whore. I do think women have been hoodwinked into providing sex and associated services to men, for nothing, whereas in the past, men would have had to make proper arrangements before they got those things. Men managed this neat trick by taking note that women want sex too. But be honest, a lot of women also want long-term partnerships, children, home and so on, and they now don't have society's support in getting them.

MushroomSoup · 04/06/2014 21:57

Is he already married? You said he works very long hours...

Cabrinha · 04/06/2014 21:59

Wouldn't be keen on someone who thought a son worth a proposal, but not a daughter. Cock.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2014 22:00

That is not a respectful response OP he must be very sure of himself.

shil0846 · 04/06/2014 22:04

My mother ran exactly the same argument as AndyYorkE when I moved in with my boyfriend. He's now my DH. Not all men are as selfish and feckless as some of the older generation would have us believe.

OP, sit down and talk to your DP and find out why he doesn't want to get married. Try to explain to him calmly your reasons for wanting to get married (commitment, security, open demonstration of your love for each other etc) and how hurt you feel that he hasn't. It may simply be the expense or the fear of change that is putting him off. Either way, take control and bring matters to a head so you know where you stand. Good luck!

Chaseface · 04/06/2014 22:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

motherinferior · 04/06/2014 22:12

What the hell are 'associated services'? You seem to assume that those of us who aren't married are providing our partners with cooking and laundry and housework.

(BTW if I came home and he'd organised a wedding I would be rather frightened and run a very long way. Just saying. I do realise the OP is in a different position, though, and economically vulnerable.)

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2014 22:17

If he uses the old "it's just a big dress, a ring and a piece of paper" argument, I assume that his name is on the DCs' birth certificates, they're "just pieces of paper" too.

Original poster
MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 22:20

Sat and had a chat with him about it. He seemed to get over his initial response. He says he does want to get married but has been in no rush to do it and had not realised how deeply I felt about it... i find this hard to believe. So we have made a deal.. we will get engaged then have baby then get married. im going to have to run with it... you may think im nuts but i believed what he has said.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 04/06/2014 22:22

Why on earth would you agree to have a baby before getting married? Seriously WHY?

mammadiggingdeep · 04/06/2014 22:23

Why do you have to run with it??

You do know nothing will change except that you'll be engaged to a man that won't marry you??

What's the rush for a 3rd child? (Genuine question- sorry if I've missed it in the thread)

CoteDAzur · 04/06/2014 22:23

The 3rd baby, I mean.

Why on earth would you have another baby before you get married?

HeyBungalowBill · 04/06/2014 22:24

It doesn't sound like a good idea to me OP he's delaying marrying you to get what he wants again.
What about when it doesn't materialise again?
And if he definitely wants marriage why do you have to have a baby first?

Sounds like the "provide me with a son" shite allover again.
Provide him with a third child and see if he marries you, I'm seriously thinking he won't OP Sad

Chaseface · 04/06/2014 22:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CoteDAzur · 04/06/2014 22:25

9 years and two children later you will now... run with it?

You have already run. For 9 years. Running with it clearly hasn't worked.

You need to set your own conditions to having the third baby that he wants. First marriage, then baby. Stick to it.

clam · 04/06/2014 22:28

Being engaged won't change your vulnerable position one iota.
Why are you "going to have to run with it?"

Have you resolved the other issues you had with him recently, by the way? Because those indicate to me that his reluctance to set a date is the least of your problems I'm afraid.