Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The big W word....

254 replies

MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 12:34

I have been with MrBooBoo for 9 years now... we have two children together and he is wanting us to plan our third. However, in this whole time he has not asked my hand in marriage. 4 years ago he gave me a bracelet (before we had children) with charms on it, one of them being a ring to let me know that marriage was just around the corner. Well it's been a long bloody corner... then I got pregnant... had 3 miscarriages inbetween and then I had my boy. He really wanted a son and said that he would literally get down on one knee straight away if I gave him a son... my son was born 10 months ago and still no ring has arrived. I have tried to be patient, I have explained to him how important marriage is to me, I have not mentioned the word WEDDING in months to see if that was the problem and he says he wants to get married but no ring materialises.. now he is talking about having another baby. I am 34 so I dont have time to mess around if we do want another one...
We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding
Am I joking myself over this? How can I speed up the process?

OP posts:
tippytap · 04/06/2014 20:22

Sorry, Booboo. You don't own your house, HE does. I don't believe you don't understand this since you pointed it out.

Get a job. Get independent. You are in a very vulnerable position.

PlantsAndFlowers · 04/06/2014 20:22

Your name isn't on the deeds?!!!! It's not 'we' own a house then, it's 'he' owns a house. He could kick you out any time he wanted.

MuttonCadet · 04/06/2014 20:23

Your point 3 - read it again, you don't own anything. You would if you were married......

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 04/06/2014 20:40

I just dont understand what is taking so long... and when i ask him he says let me do it in my own time and stop ruining it.

Delaying tactics OP. And if you are living with him but unmarried and not on the deeds you are vulnerable

CharmQuark · 04/06/2014 20:45

" I can see the pov that there is no bigger commitment than owning a property together and having DCs."

Yes, there is a bigger committment: owning property together but not having it protected by either marriage or your name on the deeds, and giving up paid work in order to stay at home whist having absolutely no protection in the form of marriage.

OP: in what sense do you own the house? If your name is not in the deeds you do not own it.

And there is no such thing as common law marriage. If you were married all the property within the marriage would belong to you equally. You do not have that assurance.

I would tell him that either you get married and have your name on the deeds of the house or you will be getting a job to give yourself the financial security you need and he will need to start taking on half the childcare and household responsibilities.

MostWicked · 04/06/2014 20:48

We arent the type of couple of just go to a registry office either, we would want a traditional wedding

4. We have actually spoken about how we want to get married.. which is not the princess ceremony people have assumed. we want to go on holiday with our kids and no one else to take our vows not interested in a big wedding

So first you want a traditional wedding, now you want a holiday wedding just with your kids.
That really does beg the question of why you haven't done it already then!
Seems very contradictory. If you are not sure about what kind of wedding you want, are you sure he is?

And to have absolutely no financial stake in his house, is madness.
Wedding or not, that needs sorting - absolutely non-negotiable.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 04/06/2014 20:50

After reading your 7 points I would just go ahead and organise it if I were you. I don't really see what you are waiting for it you have discussed it to that extent. Is he just crap at organising??

Also, get your name on the deeds ASAP.

CharmQuark · 04/06/2014 20:52

Is he already married and never got round to divorce, or something?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/06/2014 20:53

HE owns the house and he can throw you out at any time if he so chooses. You have few if any rights legally as his unmarried partner.
If he decides to ask you to leave you actually have no right to stay within his residence.

And no you have not been married for nine years either, you have only been together for that length of time.

I think he has and continues to stall you. If you are also not sure about the type of wedding you want (now you're talking about going abroad) then he likely does not either. I doubt very much he will marry you actually simply because he does not want to.

Also some men find it all too easy generally to walk away from both property and children.

Chaseface · 04/06/2014 20:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

neverendingnemo · 04/06/2014 20:58

Is it possible at all that he is already married?

clam · 04/06/2014 21:11

AndyYorke Are you Dr Nora, from Frasier? Grin

Transcript:
JENNY: (on radio) Hi, Dr. Nora. Uh, my boyfriend and I have been living
together for about two years.

DR. NORA: Are you having sex?

JENNY: (on radio) Our sex life's not the problem. It's, its great but
whenever I mention marriage, he changes the subject. Do you think that he's afraid of commitment?

DR NORA: No. That's not it. Let me help you see this from a different
perspective. You're a whore, Jenny.

JENNY: (on radio) Wha ?? Ah ? Huh?

DR. NORA: You're sleeping with a man you're not married to. In my book, that's a whore.

JENNY: (on radio, on the verge of tears) Well, I'm not a whore?! I'm a,
I'm a flight attendant.

DR. NORA: (sarcastically) Oh, you think there's no overlap?

Original poster
MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 21:12

i dont think so... how could i check??

i understand i do not own the house and it worries me this is another reason why i want to get married to feel more secure

OP posts:
clam · 04/06/2014 21:12

Oh, and forgot this bit:

(JENNY is crying.)

ROZ: (sarcastically, outside the sound booth) Well, she's got her jitters
under control.

DR NORA: Wake up, Jenny. You've blown it. Dump this creep. Find a new guy, and until you're Mrs. New Guy you keep those knees together, okay? Staple 'em! I don't care if you have to hop to the altar! God bless, honey.
(laughs) Who's next?

(DR. NORA hangs up. FRASIER freaks.)

Doinmummy · 04/06/2014 21:14

I'd feel very insecure if I were you Op.

Your name is not on the deeds

You are financially dependant on him

He won't marry you ( and I'll eat my hat if he does )

In order to show his dying father he was settling down , why on earth didn't he marry you ? Much quicker than trying for and having a baby.

Very odd

HeyBungalowBill · 04/06/2014 21:15

I enjoyed that clam Grin
I like Frasier, I haven't seen that episode though but I could imagine the characters acting it out

CookieMonsterIsHot · 04/06/2014 21:27

What will you do if he continues stalling?

Is there any downside for him if he doesn't marry you?

oikopolis · 04/06/2014 21:28

Oh OP... you really didn't make very good choices here. You are a SAHM to a man you are not married to, two kids in, and you don't even own the home that you make it possible for him to pay the mortgage on.

You are stuffed if you split with him, and he knows it. Which is why he will not marry you.

Do you have any education or work experience?

If I were you I would brush up the qualifications and start thinking of ways to earn an income. I would certainly not have another child. You may also want to have a chat with a solicitor about what your rights might be should you split, or should he die (God forbid).

Original poster
MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 21:28

I just approached the subject again of marriage and he said "you want everything in your lap dont you" then shut the door
i actually feel like crying... i actually would understand if we had been together 2 years but we are 9 years deep.

OP posts:
CoteDAzur · 04/06/2014 21:32

"3. we own our house.. my name is not on the deeds"

HE owns the house. YOU don't own diddly squat.

"4. We have actually spoken about how we want to get married.. we want to go on holiday with our kids and no one else to take our vows"

Do you have ANY idea about what kind of applications, permissions etc are necessary to get married abroad?

"5. and yes i understand the difference between a wedding and a marriage. ive been married to him for 9 years we just havent made it official"

You are NOT married. Only married people are married. You know, after a marriage.

You need to open your eyes and secure your future. Quickly get married, then worry about romantic stuff like your vows, travelling abroad with your children etc.

HeyBungalowBill · 04/06/2014 21:33

I'm sorry missbooboo Sad
What an awful thing to say.

I'd definitely start planning how to protect you and your children.
It doesn't mean you will split but as pp have said you are extremely vulnerable right now

Doinmummy · 04/06/2014 21:33

You have your answer right there Op. Do not have another child with this man .

Preciousbane · 04/06/2014 21:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
MissBooBoo · 04/06/2014 21:37

Taking my head out of the sand... think you guys are right. ive been blagged... not going to split up over it but im very disappointed and disheartened right now. need to protect myself and kids. Making a decision about 3rd child over next few days

OP posts:
almondfinger · 04/06/2014 21:38

Is he older then you and already married???

You need to see a solicitor pronto.

I would also go back through some of the advice given above and maybe put the key points as to why it is important to you in a letter as suggested earlier.

Do his sisters have his ear? Do they not like you?

I would strongly suggest not getting pregnant again, until you have this sorted to your satisfaction.