When the OW comes to your house......................

[Beehive52]

Long time MN have name changed as am known to some of you very well on other talkboards..... Bit of a long story - basically my husband changed jobs a couple of years ago due to cuts at work. He is a senior professional, very well known in his field, we have been married 20 years, two children, boys, 18 and 15. We relocated to a different part of the country, uprooting away from an area we loved and were loved. No family here, just spent the past year getting children settled in schools etc. I am now an SAHM, dependent on his income. Right from the word go, an invisible barrier went up, we went through the motions, not particularly happy or unhappy, I gave up my job, began job hunting, etc when we moved here. All through the year, my instincts were telling me something was wrong. Little hints, messages 'this colleague' had been to visit in the house when I wasn't there etc. Nothing specific. Asked him whether he was having an affair, answer always no.

A phone call from 'the colleague' six months on revealed a two year affair. A deep emotional affair which had started before we moved house. Myself and the children blissfully unaware. She told me. He didnt, but confessed all, how he had been lonely working away, ( we lived apart for nearly 2 years whilst eldest was in year 10) felt disconnected from me, the usual bollocks. He went to docs and is on high dose anti depressants. But I agreed to counselling because I do love him. and acknowledged the marriage had been in the doldrums for some time and we had never addressed it. We both admitted neglect of the marriage. We are both good parents, we have always been good friends through some very difficult times. Not enough. Six months of counselling with relate, some tough talking, very hard on the children. I thought progress was being made, some days away together, better, open relationship and better and active sex life. Last weekend I opened the door to her standing there. She barged in, insisted on talking to him,horrible showdown with myself and children present. He stood there like a rabbit caught in headlights and EVEN THEN I didn't realise. Over that weekend, a stray email revealed a secret email account, full of intimate messages and photos, all going back to the original phone call in October.

I kicked him out and now know we need to separate. I so wanted to forgive him, to move on with him and truly wanted to believe he was over it all. I wanted to believe it was her instigating it all, and manipulating him. Emails proved he was infatuated with her. He appeared last weekend, shattered, forlorn, ill, and begged me not to give up on him... that she was an obsession, a fantasy and that he loved me and our children. I now feel that I am back to where I was in October - bereft, deeply hurt and not sleeping with high anxiety.

I know what I have to do, please give me the push I need.

[Beehive52]

Baked =naked :)

[captainmummy]

I'd have done exactly the same, Beehive. I hope they are quaking now. At the very least they know that you have enough on them to cause them problems in the future.

Won't do any good with MIL; she'll have justified it somehow to herself.

Actually, getting an STI check for yourself is a good idea; through him, you've essentially been sleeping with anyone OW's slept with. Why would you rely on HER to let you know any problems?

[Nevergrowingup]

Beethoven, I admire your response to the moral majority. Like you, I feel their response will not be in your favour. I agree that the duplicitous behaviour of your MIL is galling and there is no harm in you pointing this out. Of course, things like this never happen to them, only to people less fortunate... I've seen and heard relations justifying the most abhorrent behaviour by their adult child. Again backed up by a desire to maintain the public face of Christian belief. Indeed, they were quick to blame the innocent party so it may be a good idea to step back from them, they may throw a lot of hurt your way. Remember that he is ahem... 'ill'.

Hold your head high. Your actions have been to support your DCs and, mistakenly, your ex. The work angle is very important and they will know that. Let a solicitor deal with that. It's time for you to take control and start to disengage personally and formally.

[Nevergrowingup]

Beethoven!!!! Haha. Spellchecker

[Inertia]

You have been treated despicably, but you're smart and strong and already taking action. I thimk the most telling measure of what this man is really like is that he uprooted all of you - including his teenage children at a time when they're sitting incredibly important exams - to be closer to his OW. This is a man prepared to jeopardise his children's future for his own sexual convenience.


I would have been very tempted to turn up at the church, and introduce myself as being intrigued about what kind of christianity they were preaching to my husband's mistress.

[Beehive52]

Love the name Beethoven, seems quite appropriate ...

My husbands mistress is quite a well known public figure who is a Christian herself, apparently going to church with him and MIL was extremely 'special'... On Easter Day he went to church with them, then came here and took me to a different church, later service, which was the 'closest he has ever been to me'.....I am now seeing him through your eyes and he appears unrecognisable :( but all your messages have helped me escape from my 2D image of my life, and I realise for the sake of the kids mainly, I have put up with too much.

[LBZT]

I think that you should talk to the church leaders about this. They cannot condone such behaviour and if your MIL has any influence at church it must be stopped now. She is not in a place to hold that responsibility anymore, it would be very unfair to those that attend that church as she and them are deceiving them as well as they have deceived you and your sons. Despicable the lot of them and shame on them. So sorry that you are in this I hope your faith gives you some strength at this time.

[doziedoozie]

I am just thinking that if you might move back to where your friends are encourage your DSs to look at universities in that area. Line up open days visits for eldest DS, it would be nice to focus on something positive for the future.

[Nevergrowingup]

Special?? What hypocrites! So the OW thinks she has full approval from the matriarch and has the god-give right to enter your home and abuse you?

Hmm... selective Christianity at its most distasteful.

Focus on yourself, your DCs and start to plan a life away from these morally corrupt people. Your Ex is a player and is probably getting off on all of this drama. Time to take yourself away from this damaging family, for you and your DCs.

Yes, 'Beethoven' - an appropriate typo

[Beehive52]

My MIL as an ex clergy wife(and therefore the moral compass of everything) has had far too much power and influence over us all. But also quite well connected at her church. When we first moved here OW left her details of the church and they have attended together (unknown to me) ever since. Her other son lives abroad so full responsibility for her has passed to our family. I can get on with most people but have always found her controlling and overbearing. I never had the public glittering career the OW has, "you must understand she has such a difficult life" have been an SAHM mum, worked part time, done lots of voluntary stuff, but never been the high flyer my husband clearly deserved. Her influence on my marriage and her son has been catastrophic. I am not excusing him, but the article linked yesterday about the sons of narcissistic mothers explained his inability to stand up to her. I am not entirely sure he was even aware of their ongoing mutual admiration, that seems to have taken on a life of its own.

However it is all a sideshow to everything else.

[Nevergrowingup]

Yes, you can see the pattern and the futility of trying to change anything.

Turn your back on the sideshow and take steps to protect you and your DCs.

And by the way... the 'glittering career'? One built on lies and immoral behaviour? Someone has their bible chapters in a muddle, or is it just me?

This is now about what you want. Protect yourself and your DCs legally. You'll need someone strong in your corner. SAHM? See her roar!!

[mammadiggingdeep]

SAHM- see her roar.

Absolutely!!!!!!!!! You rock beehive.
X

[FantasticButtocks]

Wow! Well done for the emails to OW and MIL, excellent work beehive

Your H and OW must be quite worried they could get into a lot of trouble...

[Beehive52]

His reputation is in the can, so tragic for him because he was once so well respected and honourable, but he appointed her (before the EA) and helped her get an extremely high profile and sickeningly well paid job last year. He should be bricking it.

[Beehive52]

My only problem is that if I do expose all this, then he will lose his job and I am screwed financially. However I think the threat of it all should be enough.... Silly bugger

[dollius]

OP, just sling him out. Your kids, for one, just don't need this drama at the moment. You defo don't need it.

All three of them are revolting and the sooner you exit the stage, the sooner they will start imploding all over each other. You can get popcorn, sit back and watch with amusement.

[Fontella]

Sounds to me your pathetic husband, his delightful mother and his lovely mistress all thoroughly deserve each other.

What you deserve dear OP, is to be free of the lot of them.

From what you've told us here I wouldn't piss on any of them if they were on fire.

[IfYoureHappyAndYouKnowIt]

You seem like you are handling this extremely well Beehive.

Given the 'well known' comment you made are you ok with this thread being in this topic?

[TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos]

dollius no, you're not ......

[Beehive52]

No. sorry am not explaining things properly, tiredness and anxiety. In a very narrow world in which they operate, they both have international standing (or did), not well known like celebs or public figures. Both have big egos and are self important in their own narrow (but public ally funded) roles because of this. The rest of the world would not have heard of them or cared that they exist.......:). Sorry that it is not more juicy!!!

[captainmummy]

So Ow has shunted her own DH, suffering from MS, off to a flat on his own; she then (or really, before) takes up with your dh, and she, as a Christian, is OK with this. MIL is OK with this.

O.K.

Obv you will not want to shoot yourself in the foot regarding DH, but re the church - I'd def let it be known how completely non Christian these people are, regardless of how many times they goto church. Loudly and often!

[badbaldingballerina123]

I'm glad you did that with the emails. I'd now set about divorcing his pitifull ass asap. What a disgusting trio.

[brighteyedbusytailed]

Wow, big hugs OP, if the woman had attempted that in my house she wouldn't be living, after I had her arrested for barging into my house and scaring the children.
What did you say to her?

[badbaldingballerina123]

You may find this helpful for insight into the script that is playing out. It's the same sad story time and time again

talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/

[brighteyedbusytailed]

I've read it all, do you have any rl support atm?

I would let your family know via phone etc, And I would MOST DEFINITELY have a private meeting with the leaders of the Church, and tell the leaders (even if its not true) that their disgrace is common knowledge,