Long time MN have name changed as am known to some of you very well on other talkboards..... Bit of a long story - basically my husband changed jobs a couple of years ago due to cuts at work. He is a senior professional, very well known in his field, we have been married 20 years, two children, boys, 18 and 15. We relocated to a different part of the country, uprooting away from an area we loved and were loved. No family here, just spent the past year getting children settled in schools etc. I am now an SAHM, dependent on his income. Right from the word go, an invisible barrier went up, we went through the motions, not particularly happy or unhappy, I gave up my job, began job hunting, etc when we moved here. All through the year, my instincts were telling me something was wrong. Little hints, messages 'this colleague' had been to visit in the house when I wasn't there etc. Nothing specific. Asked him whether he was having an affair, answer always no.
A phone call from 'the colleague' six months on revealed a two year affair. A deep emotional affair which had started before we moved house. Myself and the children blissfully unaware. She told me. He didnt, but confessed all, how he had been lonely working away, ( we lived apart for nearly 2 years whilst eldest was in year 10) felt disconnected from me, the usual bollocks. He went to docs and is on high dose anti depressants. But I agreed to counselling because I do love him. and acknowledged the marriage had been in the doldrums for some time and we had never addressed it. We both admitted neglect of the marriage. We are both good parents, we have always been good friends through some very difficult times. Not enough. Six months of counselling with relate, some tough talking, very hard on the children. I thought progress was being made, some days away together, better, open relationship and better and active sex life. Last weekend I opened the door to her standing there. She barged in, insisted on talking to him,horrible showdown with myself and children present. He stood there like a rabbit caught in headlights and EVEN THEN I didn't realise. Over that weekend, a stray email revealed a secret email account, full of intimate messages and photos, all going back to the original phone call in October.
I kicked him out and now know we need to separate. I so wanted to forgive him, to move on with him and truly wanted to believe he was over it all. I wanted to believe it was her instigating it all, and manipulating him. Emails proved he was infatuated with her. He appeared last weekend, shattered, forlorn, ill, and begged me not to give up on him... that she was an obsession, a fantasy and that he loved me and our children. I now feel that I am back to where I was in October - bereft, deeply hurt and not sleeping with high anxiety.
I know what I have to do, please give me the push I need.
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Relationships
When the OW comes to your house......................
Beehive52 · 02/06/2014 18:57
Oh Bee
You asked for a kick up the arse so here it is 
He doesn't need to minimise and make excuses because fuck me love your doing a bang up job for him right now.
She walked in your house ne barged in? In front of your children and caused a scene and he stood there like a fucking rabbit aught in head lights. And you let her? You let some back stabbing husband shagging bitch in to your territory to face you and your CHILDREN down and he stood there and you took it.
What the utter fuck, pack his sorry arse bags cut the oh but I love him shit out for a minute, and think about what the two of them have down to your babies yet alone you.
He's on a jolly, oh but he doesn't really want to be there, and oh how we laughed, the poor mite must be so stressed with all this constant attention from two women fighting over his carcus.
Get some self respect and a shit hot solicitor and put an end to this farce. Your kids deserve better than this apart from you, he moved you away and isolated you, it was all planned like hers was for her poor sodding husband. He's 60 she won't want to be his carer and wipe up his drool when he is older, she's already proved that with her dh. When he comes back to you because no one else will get his pipe and slippers or change his adult diaper tell him to get to fuck.
For you
Thanks for another spot on link, really sums him and her up completely. Since she was widowed she hasn't been out of our marriage, is ultra precious about her blood relatives but clearly couldn't give a crap about me, her daughter in law of 20 years. She has never contacted me since October. Not once. It explains a lot about his ongoing fog relationship with her.
I think in such a long marriage you do get attuned to each other and happily co-exist without realising there could be more. The affair originally shone a light on the areas of our marriage requiring input and attention. You can probably guess that I too, have a 'faith' and understanding and forgiveness are a big part of that, I am not a holier than thou type, or a professional like my MIL.
Thanks for the kick up the butt. Today has given me endless food for thought and a clearer pathway and insight into everything
Any inside knowledge as to how a Narc operates, if it falls into the hands of one, only serves to make him/her better at it. It hones their skills as it were.
My dear Beehive my ex had narc tendencies, and was manipulative and actually abusive. While yours may have stopped short of that, their sense of entitlement is similar (just how they exercised it that was different)
The day I got rid of him, he utterly unravelled before my very eyes, cycling between anger, defiance, sadness, SELF pity, nastiness, niceness and lovey-dovey.
It was the most disturbing and shocking thing i'd seen up till that point. Took me a long time to fully process. Long after i'd wheelspun away left Heathrow T2.
Stay focused on getting through this. One day none of this will hurt. To get there you have to go through all the waves of other emotions, sadness, grieving, anger, fury, hatred, fear, numbness (in no particular order)
Whatever you feel, remember you're right to feel it, allow yourself to feel it, understand it, process it and tell yourself that it'll pass.
One by one these waves will pass over you and you'll feel stronger on the other side.
There will be setbacks, but you will get through them too.
Be kind to yourself, and forgive yourself of everything. You didn't break anything here.
It will be ok in the end.
If it's not ok yet, then it's not the end.
Trite, but somehow it works!
(((hug)))
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Read your posts back Beehive. He has been telling you a story about how everybody stopped him from stopping the affair. How he did everything he could. Other than stop fucking and planning a future with OW.
He listened as you laid yourself bare in counselling and his responses were all lies. He has not been "stupid". He has lied to you for years. Clever, premeditated lies so he "could have his cake and eat it". This was not "a mistake".
I understand you wanting to hope Beehive, but the reality is your marriage is over.
. Therapy cannot save it. But it can help you deal with it / and hold your hand while you do, so it's a really good idea for you to continue to see your counsellor alone, especially if you are away from your support network.
The future won't always be easy, but it will be better than staying with your DH. In time you will have new, better hopes for the future. I wish you strength and comfort in the times ahead.
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