When the OW comes to your house......................

[Beehive52]

Long time MN have name changed as am known to some of you very well on other talkboards..... Bit of a long story - basically my husband changed jobs a couple of years ago due to cuts at work. He is a senior professional, very well known in his field, we have been married 20 years, two children, boys, 18 and 15. We relocated to a different part of the country, uprooting away from an area we loved and were loved. No family here, just spent the past year getting children settled in schools etc. I am now an SAHM, dependent on his income. Right from the word go, an invisible barrier went up, we went through the motions, not particularly happy or unhappy, I gave up my job, began job hunting, etc when we moved here. All through the year, my instincts were telling me something was wrong. Little hints, messages 'this colleague' had been to visit in the house when I wasn't there etc. Nothing specific. Asked him whether he was having an affair, answer always no.

A phone call from 'the colleague' six months on revealed a two year affair. A deep emotional affair which had started before we moved house. Myself and the children blissfully unaware. She told me. He didnt, but confessed all, how he had been lonely working away, ( we lived apart for nearly 2 years whilst eldest was in year 10) felt disconnected from me, the usual bollocks. He went to docs and is on high dose anti depressants. But I agreed to counselling because I do love him. and acknowledged the marriage had been in the doldrums for some time and we had never addressed it. We both admitted neglect of the marriage. We are both good parents, we have always been good friends through some very difficult times. Not enough. Six months of counselling with relate, some tough talking, very hard on the children. I thought progress was being made, some days away together, better, open relationship and better and active sex life. Last weekend I opened the door to her standing there. She barged in, insisted on talking to him,horrible showdown with myself and children present. He stood there like a rabbit caught in headlights and EVEN THEN I didn't realise. Over that weekend, a stray email revealed a secret email account, full of intimate messages and photos, all going back to the original phone call in October.

I kicked him out and now know we need to separate. I so wanted to forgive him, to move on with him and truly wanted to believe he was over it all. I wanted to believe it was her instigating it all, and manipulating him. Emails proved he was infatuated with her. He appeared last weekend, shattered, forlorn, ill, and begged me not to give up on him... that she was an obsession, a fantasy and that he loved me and our children. I now feel that I am back to where I was in October - bereft, deeply hurt and not sleeping with high anxiety.

I know what I have to do, please give me the push I need.

[beachyhead]

How are you Beehive? I'm not sure on the dates as to when (d)h is back. I was wondering how your boys are? Do you think it would be possible for the youngest to do 6th form back where you lived previously? And are the oldest's plans local? It would be great if you could make a clean break.

I think, by her appearance at your house coupled with him actually going in the trip, I would forge forth on your own with your boys.

[Beehive52]

Hi thanks for message and for caring... All a bit manic here as just trying to concentrate on eldest A Levels and surviving on a day to day basis! I have been getting legal advice re moving away and on balance, it seems to be a better option to stay... Because of his age I would have to have a really good reason for moving like a job offer etc not just because I want to. the boy has rights to see his dad and they have a very close relationship which would be jeopardised by distance.

I have seen my husband a few times since he got back and we have talked, cried, shouted etc... Away from the house. He is broken by what he's done and has taken loa from work to get medical support, therapy, whatever. I have told him I can't and won't carry him, this is his journey.

It's tough. I still love him but hate what he has done and what he has become but I haven't slammed the door shut totally. I shall get on with my life, make plans for the summer, watch him suffer and simmer in the vain hope he may find some humility, he has, rightly so, been brought very low. Might even try some on line dating as a diversion ;)

[beachyhead]

It's so tough and so tricky timewise for your ds. You are doing really well and I do understand the need to leave the door open regardless. At least then when you do choose to close it, it's your choice, in your time.

As my very best friend said to me at a similar time 'I know he's an idiot, but he's my idiot!'. Unfortunately for both you and she, he isn't really your idiot anymore and you do deserve better......

Your boys are almost men and they will have whatever relationship they want/need with their dad wherever they and you are living. I know you don't really know what you want at this stage, but looking at options away from where you are now may be valuable, just an alternative viewpoint.

[Beehive52]

If it were left only to me I would move far, far away and get some headspace and recover. I know my boys will have a relationship with their Dad whatever, but I have been advised that my sons rights are to have regular access and I know with the nature of husbands job etc any kind of distance would make regular contact difficult. I've talked to both sons and they still want to see him. Eldest is having a gap year before Uni probably anyway.

I have to keep things sane and civilised for their sake even though there are times when I feel homicidal!! I am working towards closing the door on him. Now looking for jobs/activities so I can be less reliant on him and more independent which I have to be now anyway. I will be going on holiday with the boys on my own, I am scared but excited as well. I have had desperate moments where I just want to cave in and wake up sobbing....it's hard going.

[beachyhead]

I'm so pleased that you say you are scared but excited about your holiday. That's a great start point. It sounds like you've had your legal advice, so you should know where you stand (or be a bit clearer).

You are so right to go out and source your own activities and a job, as the space they take up will actually mean the door will slowly be closing on him without you focusing on it so much.

And remember, you are not tied to this place forever. Your youngest son is 15, so he will be off to uni within 3-4 years and it may be that you consider a move then.

I hope your h has the decency to give you the headspace that you need.

Wish you all the best...

[AdeleNazeem]

you sound like you're doing amazingly well. lots of love and luck!