Long time MN have name changed as am known to some of you very well on other talkboards..... Bit of a long story - basically my husband changed jobs a couple of years ago due to cuts at work. He is a senior professional, very well known in his field, we have been married 20 years, two children, boys, 18 and 15. We relocated to a different part of the country, uprooting away from an area we loved and were loved. No family here, just spent the past year getting children settled in schools etc. I am now an SAHM, dependent on his income. Right from the word go, an invisible barrier went up, we went through the motions, not particularly happy or unhappy, I gave up my job, began job hunting, etc when we moved here. All through the year, my instincts were telling me something was wrong. Little hints, messages 'this colleague' had been to visit in the house when I wasn't there etc. Nothing specific. Asked him whether he was having an affair, answer always no.
A phone call from 'the colleague' six months on revealed a two year affair. A deep emotional affair which had started before we moved house. Myself and the children blissfully unaware. She told me. He didnt, but confessed all, how he had been lonely working away, ( we lived apart for nearly 2 years whilst eldest was in year 10) felt disconnected from me, the usual bollocks. He went to docs and is on high dose anti depressants. But I agreed to counselling because I do love him. and acknowledged the marriage had been in the doldrums for some time and we had never addressed it. We both admitted neglect of the marriage. We are both good parents, we have always been good friends through some very difficult times. Not enough. Six months of counselling with relate, some tough talking, very hard on the children. I thought progress was being made, some days away together, better, open relationship and better and active sex life. Last weekend I opened the door to her standing there. She barged in, insisted on talking to him,horrible showdown with myself and children present. He stood there like a rabbit caught in headlights and EVEN THEN I didn't realise. Over that weekend, a stray email revealed a secret email account, full of intimate messages and photos, all going back to the original phone call in October.
I kicked him out and now know we need to separate. I so wanted to forgive him, to move on with him and truly wanted to believe he was over it all. I wanted to believe it was her instigating it all, and manipulating him. Emails proved he was infatuated with her. He appeared last weekend, shattered, forlorn, ill, and begged me not to give up on him... that she was an obsession, a fantasy and that he loved me and our children. I now feel that I am back to where I was in October - bereft, deeply hurt and not sleeping with high anxiety.
I know what I have to do, please give me the push I need.
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Relationships
When the OW comes to your house......................
Beehive52 · 02/06/2014 18:57
Thanks for all your messages and support, what lovely people you are 
and so sad to read others are going through/have been through same.
When I found the hidden email account it was if the exchange had been written by teenagers, endless lust, intimate photos, her plans, always her plans for their future...telling colleagues, holidays, house hunting, suggestions of places to go for their next shag. When she came to the house, I was in shock and politely told her that it wasn't appropriate ..she raced to the back door and I found her in the kitchen. I asked her to leave and threatened her with the police. My husband couldn't react to her other than asking her to go. She wanted 'support' and watched as I refused to give up my space and he floundered around telling me he loved me but couldn't live with me. She verbally abused me in front of the children. Strangely, and unlike me, rather than arguing I kept my dignity and gave her nothing. I wanted him to see her as the creature she is.
When my husband left the room, I left too, and left high and dry she left too. These are two well respected people, intelligent and both with reputations to lose, they acted like infants. Her message was clearly to tell me to back off. I guess the angry side of me doesn't want to see her win (not the right word) but I don't want to settle for such a weak, spineless man either.
Oh beehive. I cannot believe what you've been through.
I hope you find the strength to end it. As you say, 'win' is not the right word. He is not a prize in any way, shape or form.
You will feel empowered by putting an end to this merry go round of heart ache. I promise. As much as it hurts, it's such a relief to make it end.
xx
Interesting. Where exactly does adultery sit on the Professional Christian scheme of things... 
She clearly just wants you to 'go away' so that her precious son and her precious family's reputation is not blemished by their inconvenient past.
this is ALL about how hideous they are and I dare say that they will need all the 'Holy Smoke' there is to con themselves that they are good people.
Beehive you poor, poor thing. I know how bewildering this all must be, but I want you to know how amazingly dignified you came across during that invasion of your home.
They all sound to be bordering on narcissists, let me tell you, if any of them have serious traits, the BEST thing you can do is to get you and yours as far away from them all as possible.
think Swan. By all means paddle like a demon under the surface, but remain calm on top. Don't fall into their trap of becoming the hysterical wretch they want you to become. In fact, the calmer you become (think ice cold fury meets solid implacable steel) the more THEY will lose it.
i admire you. you really are a wonderful woman and mother.
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