Had a row with friend, she thinks I am being tight and pathetic advice please

[bouncy]

Firstly I would like to add that what I love about mumsnet is that advice is usually given as it is, and people are not always told what they want to hear, bearing that in mind I would like honest advice please.

I have had a row is a good friend of 5 years, she does not agree that my ds 7 has chores, and gets pocket money for doing so, all he has to do is keep his room tidy, and clean out his hamster hardly a lot, she thinks that children should be children and not have to do anything.

today she came round with her 2 kids ds aged 6 and dd 4, her kids have no value of money whatsoever, always getting toys willy nilly, always going to clubs, 3 each a week, always trips to theme parks etc etc, but what annoys me most is that they will ask for something, take a bite then say I want that instead, and my friend lets them have it, imho they are spoilt and its hard for me to admit that out of all my friends kids, I like them the least.

Anyway they came today and stayed for lunch, they both asked for a sandwich, i made it, they took the usual one bite of sandwich and said, nah I actually fancy and roll instead, I made them a roll, only for them to do the same again and ask for some pizza, at this point I said no sorry I have already made you X and X, at which point my friend said, why dont you give them a piece of pizza, I told her I already made them the other things as she well knew, she then said she always fed my son when he goes round (yes she does, but he eats what he is given and never changes his mind) and that I am just being tight, and its very pathetic of me to not give them some food, she made it sounds as though I was refusing her kids any food.

I just feel so annoyed with her, she left shortly afterwards to take them to Mcdonalds.

I am so proud of ds as he is a lovely polite boy, who saves for things he wants, his face when he actually buys something he has been saving for, he respects his toys and looks after them.

she is a good friend and i see her mainly when the kids are at school, we have very different opinions on parenting, I like time out and she goes for the wait till your dad gets home approach.

Anyway just needed a rant really as just got a text asking if I am ready to apologise yet !!!!!

to add to my post - actually it sounds like she isn't much of a friend, but a bit of a controlling, superior, bully-type. To call you tight and pathetic is out of order, as is texting you after the event to see if you're ready to apologise. So I would ditch her until she apologises, although it sounds like she won't.

I'd take the stuff back and shove it crumb by crumb through her letter box - how dare she treat you like this - if I was completely honest I would just knock on her door and explain that you are not hard up just bringing your kids up to understand the value of things (including friendships!) and you really do not appreciate her behaviour or that of her children and you no longer feel like you can carry on your friendship unless she realises that you deserve more respect than she is affording you that your children must be more agreeable and behave appropriately at your house.

FWIW I would have stopped making them anything after the first thing they asked for was refused so you are at least twice as nice as me!!

ignore igonre ignore

sorry haven't read whole thread. Whatever your "differant" parenting styles, she in your house! for goodness sake, does she not have any manners at all.(BTW I think you've got it sorted and she will have probs in furture with her kids!But each to their own)

The main issue I see is the fact that she's being so IMMATURE and RUDE!

just read about the bread.

KICK that mad,rude,idiot to the kerb!

I don't know how you can carry on being friends with someone who behaves like this towards you. Do you stick with her coz your DS gets on well with hers?

If not, then she would be dropped if she did that to me.

i'm with beetroot. she and her children sound like real attention-seekers to me... you ignored her yesterday and she couldn't stand it. hence the bread on the step. keep ignoring her, it will drive her crazy.

What a nasty piece of work. Ignore her, honestly, don't let her affect you, you're right, she's wrong and slightly deranged so anything you do won't have any effect anyway, she's clearly a bit of a loon.

Plus it will annoy her

in terms of what you did and how you are with your ds I am totally with you. I don't give dds an alternative food and if they asked for something different at someone else's house - especially having asked for the original thing, I would have told them not to be so rude and to eat the original thing. ie I think you were wholly reasonable and your friend unreasonable.

If what you want to know is what to do with the friendship then I think you have to be upfront - but not approach it from the angle of establishing who was right and who was wrong with this particular incident. You have to say to her, look we are different in how we are with our own kids and that's fine - but when we're at my house and I'm doing tea I need to do it by my rules, otherwise it confuses ds and sends him mixed messages. It's nothing to do with being mean, or tight, it's not disapproval at how you do things, in fact it's nothing to do with your kids at all, it's just how we do things here.

If she's not buying into that and wants to go over in detail this particular event, then, I'd get right up on your high horse and argue your case (because you are in the right here!) - you gave them what they requested, they rejected it, you gave them their second choice, they rejected it again, personally, you think it was them being rude not you. Point out to her that an adult behaving in such a way would have very few friends and not many invitations to lunch - and that maybe teaching children this is a good idea. It's not like you can let them behave in a certain way because they're kids and then, at some magical age say, right, that's not allowed any more because you're not a kid anymore. It doesn't work like that.

as ever I posted first and then read everyone elses...isn't it good when we all agree?

bouncy first I would text her back saying its not you that should be apologising, but her to her kids for bringing them up to be spoilt brats.

secondly, I would lay a hot steaming turd in the carrier bag and dump it back on her doorstep

Great to have a consensus here; she's so clearly WRONG.

Bouncy, just Ignore her now. You can read this thread for ressurance, and take comfort from being the polite and dignified party.

bouncy i would have done just the same as you. and i wouldnt be apologising to her. it was your house, wasting your food and your time.

Ditch and ignore.

(Though my 1st reaction on reading this was to dump the bag back on her doorstep after it had gone blue & mouldy, or, to print off this thread and post it to her).

If you ever needed any further confirmation that she is a rude arrogant bully, then she's just provided it.

Really, the issue of whether you have different childrearing ideas is the minor problem here. It is how she deals with people who disagree with her which is the problem. Being insulted and undermined in your own home, and in front of children, is something you absolutely don't need.

Some "friend".

Ignore her, she is trying to provoke you.

O.M.G. I have just seen the post about the bread. Forget what I said about saving the "friendship". She is rude and a bully. Don't rise to it - she wants a reaction out of you. She wants a "fight". She'll hate being ignored, more than any other response. Just forget it. (or, if you really have to, buy her a book on manners, take a high-lighter to relevant bits, and leave it on her doorstep with a note: "Thanks so much for the bread. I did wonder if you and your family were a bit hard up for manners, so I got you this...")

Touche !

I am ROFL at the thought of her righteous indignation that would make her go out and buy bread products .. write a note with many exclamation points (surely in itself enough to make you want to avoid this friendship) and leave it on your doorstep

I wonder if she hid behind a bush or in her car till you found it

clearly mad as a hatter .. or extremely premenstrual

IGNORE HER

but make sure you tell people what she did .. mad woman!!!!!!! (done on purpose)

Twiglett you are making me pmsl today

"Now don't do it again, or I'll....I'll.....buy bread products at you!!!!!!!"

yes i was pmsl too Twig.

Message withdrawn