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Original poster

Had a row with friend, she thinks I am being tight and pathetic advice please

202 replies

bouncy · 02/09/2006 20:53

Firstly I would like to add that what I love about mumsnet is that advice is usually given as it is, and people are not always told what they want to hear, bearing that in mind I would like honest advice please.

I have had a row is a good friend of 5 years, she does not agree that my ds 7 has chores, and gets pocket money for doing so, all he has to do is keep his room tidy, and clean out his hamster hardly a lot, she thinks that children should be children and not have to do anything.

today she came round with her 2 kids ds aged 6 and dd 4, her kids have no value of money whatsoever, always getting toys willy nilly, always going to clubs, 3 each a week, always trips to theme parks etc etc, but what annoys me most is that they will ask for something, take a bite then say I want that instead, and my friend lets them have it, imho they are spoilt and its hard for me to admit that out of all my friends kids, I like them the least.

Anyway they came today and stayed for lunch, they both asked for a sandwich, i made it, they took the usual one bite of sandwich and said, nah I actually fancy and roll instead, I made them a roll, only for them to do the same again and ask for some pizza, at this point I said no sorry I have already made you X and X, at which point my friend said, why dont you give them a piece of pizza, I told her I already made them the other things as she well knew, she then said she always fed my son when he goes round (yes she does, but he eats what he is given and never changes his mind) and that I am just being tight, and its very pathetic of me to not give them some food, she made it sounds as though I was refusing her kids any food.

I just feel so annoyed with her, she left shortly afterwards to take them to Mcdonalds.

I am so proud of ds as he is a lovely polite boy, who saves for things he wants, his face when he actually buys something he has been saving for, he respects his toys and looks after them.

she is a good friend and i see her mainly when the kids are at school, we have very different opinions on parenting, I like time out and she goes for the wait till your dad gets home approach.

Anyway just needed a rant really as just got a text asking if I am ready to apologise yet !!!!!

OP posts:
Twiglett · 02/09/2006 22:24

I think your friend is bloody rude

your house your rules

you don't provide a choice for kids so they don't get to chop and change (eminently sensible if you ask me)

there's a difference between being tight (frugal) and bringing up your children with parameters of behaviour ..

that kind of behaviour is 1) rude 2) wasteful 3) spoilt

don't think about it for a moment longer

I would probably purposefully misread the text and send back 'apology accepted'

bramblina · 02/09/2006 22:25

I think you are completely right. What she practises is becoming the nightmare of tomorrow. Stick to your guns.

catsmother · 02/09/2006 22:29

Right on Twiglett.

Beauregard · 02/09/2006 22:30

What a very rude 'friend'
You are definately in the right here,what is she teaching her children ?
She sounds like she went to the verruca salt school of parenting.

harrisey · 02/09/2006 22:50

You are right, she is wrong.

She will be struggling when they are 14!

I am trying to bring my 3 up the way you are doing with your ds - in fact my 6yo dd has to tidy her room and clean out her hamster too!

QueenPeaHead · 02/09/2006 23:10

should have used my favourite phrase "I'm sorry, I'm not running a restaurant - THIS is what is for lunch today".

always works for me!

your friend sounds like a bit of an idiot

Blondilocks · 02/09/2006 23:31

I think that's really rude not to mention a waste of perfectly good food! It was bad enough that they changed their mind once, let alone twice.

My mum looks after LO after school & when LO had a friend round she said that she wanted to eat X but when my mum cooked it the friend said she didn't actually like it! Fair enough to say that before my mum cooked it (she had given them a choice of several things) but after cooking it's too late.

It's not tight at all. If you wouldn't let your child behave in this way & expect him to eat what he's given it's hardly fair on him to change the rules for other people's children. IMO it's up to others what they do at home, but when they are visiting they need to learn to stick by the rules there.

wartywarthog · 02/09/2006 23:42

you're right, she's wrong. so what are you going to do???? are you going to text back??

Sandcastles · 03/09/2006 00:35

My dd is 3 and has to tidy her toys up if she wants pocket money. She also has to eat what she asks for, if she doesn't, she won't get anything else. We brought her a Thomas The Tank Engine train set for her b'day & she took Thomas out & lost him (after we told her to leave it at home) she wanted another, so her dad asked her is she had enough pocket money to cover it. She was a dollar or 2 short, which we put in for her.

Asking a child to help clear a mess they make is teaching them to resepct their toys/room.

You did the right thing, in many years to come she will be moaning that her dc's don't help her round the house, eat her out of house & home & blag money from her at any oppurtunity. Rod & back come to mind.

Only apologise if you feel you were wrong, which imo, you weren't.

wanderingstar · 03/09/2006 07:28

Absolutely outrageous ! She's wrong for SO many reasons.

If you feel you must reply - and I'd be tempted not to - you could maybe try something like this:

"I'm sorry you felt I was being mean when you and x and y were round for lunch the other day. However I did comply twice with their food choices, which I considered reasonable and hospitable. Z (ie your ds) recognises the consistency of the behavioural boundaries I set in our home, and it is not unreasonable for visiting children to do the same. These boundaries are not the same in every home, but in my experience children quickly realise and accept this. "

In other words I wouldn't apologise for MY behaviour, but nor would I comment on hers - she being the other adult in the scenario, hers was worse than her children's - and I certainly wouldn't criticise her children's manners either...even though they're clearly little emperor and princess in the making

MamaG · 03/09/2006 07:50

I like twigletts idea of "apology accepted"

LIZS · 03/09/2006 08:05

omg some friend . What an example to set the kids and certainly I wouldn't expect my kid to be offered endless alternatives to what they had chosen. If your ds had chosen to have pizza and they sandwiches I might have offered them some after they had eaten their own, but not if it wasn't even being served.

Sounds like she chooses to abdicate responsibiltity for her children's behaviour and by giving in is constantly feeding it. Her problem though , not yours, and as someone has said it will come back to haunt her.

Blandmum · 03/09/2006 08:07

If othe kids (or mine for that matter) don't like the food on offer, they are given the option of bread and butter. That is the only option given to them.

Interestingly this happened in the week. The child took it perfectly, as I'd expect of a nice child.

Children need to learn that it is rude to reject food unless there is a jolly good reason. They are not born knowing this, it is our job are parents and adults to teach them.

Original poster
bouncy · 03/09/2006 12:35

thanks for replying

I decided to do nothing and think about it overnight before I did anything, when I went to go out today there was a carrier bag on the doorstep with a loaf of bread and some rolls with a note saying if I was hard up for money i should have just said, it was all in capitals and lots of !!!!!!! after it.

I am livid and decided that I don't need/want to be friends with her, the more I thought about it the more mad I seemed to be, I keep getting texts and me ignoring her seems to wind her up, it must be her time of the month as for a few days she always gets very highly strung.

OP posts:
Beetroot · 03/09/2006 12:38

Bouncey..that is shocking. she is a real bully.

Please ignore her and believe in yourself.

You do not need a friend like that.

Gobbledigook · 03/09/2006 12:41

WTF?!

Bouncy, you sound like a perfectly reasonable human being with decent parenting skills. She sounds like she's got a screw loose.

Drop her like a hot potato for Gawd's sake!

Saturn74 · 03/09/2006 12:42

Bouncy, she sounds very unpleasant, and you have behaved perfectly in very trying circumstances. I feel sorry for her poor children, being brought up to think that it is fine to treat people so rudely. Re the chores aspect - my two children get pocket money based on a few basic chores, and I agree that it is lovely to see them proudly buy something they have saved up for and bought for themselves.

compo · 03/09/2006 12:42

totally agree with GDG and everyone else. Can't beleive she left bread and that note. I would dump it on her doorstop and think yourself well rid!!

wartywarthog · 03/09/2006 12:52

erm bunny boiler!!! steer clear i say! don't know how anyone can justify that kind of behaviour!

LIZS · 03/09/2006 12:54

how insulting ! Please continue to ignore her , she isn't worth it and I doubt her kids are likely to trun out to be a good influence on your ds. Her loss tbh but how sad

fattiemumma · 03/09/2006 12:56

text her back with "no not hard up for money but am now looking for a freind who has the decency to bring well behaved children to my house rather than nasty spoilt little brats!"
omg i just cannot beleive she is so incredibly rude, no wonder the kids are like that!

you are so well out of it

charliecat · 03/09/2006 13:00
Shock
VeniVidiVickiQV · 03/09/2006 13:02

Make sandwiches with them, with a different filling in each, with a note saying "Hope there is enough variety here to suit your very spoilt, ill behaved, ungrateful children".

No, seriously, i wouldnt waste my time. You are well shot.

aDAdOnMumsnet · 03/09/2006 13:02

Another vote for you being in the right.

How rude to watch her own children have a bit of a sandwich, then a roll, both made by you and then ask you for pizza! The cheek of it. Particularly as those were items THEY asked for, not ones that you made without consulting them. Very rude, and shocking that your friend doesn't even realise it - yes you are friends, and maybe she feels she can be like that because you are friends, but it's totally out of order. And it's not doing her kids any favours in the long-run.

Save your friendship as it sounds like you value her friendship, but stick to your guns on this one.

fattiemumma · 03/09/2006 13:07

seriously i would print this thread and send it to her with a noite saying....i am not the only one who thinks your children are rude, ungratefull spoilt litte whatsits...please dont contact me until you have learnt how to either parent or shut up whilst i o it for you!